Counting Losses

“Part of healing retraining today has involved working on TMJ muscles and related energetic and myofascial tension associations.

I had not realized that my jaw held the intense grief from my fiance breaking up with me, and that this tension further suspended down through the front of my neck and into my sternum causing central diaghragmatic breath constriction.

The whole anteriority of external self expression if one were to authentically expel breath, cry, yell, protest, and/or scream at such a loss had been frozen.

I had just taken the blows and absorbed that energy because I knew that the situation was extreme – and I refused to add to the negativity that he’d experienced from others which had pushed him to his decision.

This suppression of my own tormented reactions also kept me from experiencing further humiliation because keeping myself composed prevented their projections from being validated as reality.

The remnants of this incredibly complex and intense situation have haunted and kept me cautious in being directly forward about my deep feelings for another man.

I think that the entire situation imparted a sense of shame upon me for having believed in my fiance, and for risking to try with him.”