Dear Alex,

“I thought that you were he and that I was wanted openly.

But I have not had clear confirmation, so lack of having my arms around him suggests fantasy.

Meanwhile, my foundations are crumbling underneath my feet on too many levels.

Saving myself is just up to me with pending timelines pressing.

Helping hands reach for mine to assist and people care – yet I feel too isolated and depleted.

I have tried to stay open for him through these trials, but now I am caving inward.

My being is closing off extensions like root retractions.

Self preservation necessity from lack of love’s tactile exchange reinforcements?

I am literally ‘love starved’ and need to stop this effect.

And to survive starvation, you do your best to no longer think about it – the ‘food’ you are needing.

And then, if you find any – even if it is full of decay and maggots – you are temped to ‘feed.’

So yeah, I am going into shut down mode, just so I can continue to try to breathe.

And he wonders why I withdraw!

It’s so that I do not fall into a trap of others’ deceit when I am vulnerable with need!

I am mad at him, though, for prolonging.

I am tired of being tested by pain to show that I believe.

And quite frankly, I deserve more rewards and better treatment.”