Author: Candid Corvid Productions

I do not need to feel wrong:
It is a concept of “shoulds”

That has nothing to do with
The realities of my situation.

Officially retrieving my supplies from employment.

I can be a real hellion when my patience has bled dry and I am just stuck in quicksand, struggling.

A vicious stream of curses may then be heard pouring unchecked from my mouth as I rail at the forces that “brought me to this.”

But I have not been cursing nor flailing about this time, preferring to save what dwindling strength is rebooting.

An antibiotic pill taken with a sleep-inducing expectorant – and hopefully, a nap puts me back on track to finish my taxes.

It seems hard rebuild when I have lost my momentum due to being sick, and I have to dig myself out of more sticky quagmire pulling and sucking at my feet while the compass spins – no longer sure, itself, which way is North.

She had not known what it was, but she could feel it coming…

I very much enjoy the fact that I can help enact profound, healing change – without causing pain.

Antibiotic intervention and gym time.

Having the luxury to feel miserable and gripey without having to worry about what anyone else would judge or feel inclined to say.

There are no reassurances when one is out on the edge of all that one has known.

Illness, fears, lack, and limitations – these are all just trends in cycles that must be measured as mere data points, without emotional attachment.

Additionally, trends in data points that promise success must be allowed to overlay those which cause distress.

This is a proven way to “haul one’s ass” out of a caved-in hole.

I guess that it should be no wonder that I feel I cannot “see” the future.

It is the hardest kind to produce.

I tend to fight when up against a wall.

I tend to resist when I have everything to lose.

The hour is bleakest when I cannot see light on the horizon.

Being sick for a long time hits self confidence with a low blow.

Bad habits that must become mitigated.

For me, it has been a remnant, misplaced thing that happens when I cannot make other people happy.

What I have learned so far in this life is that we can create peace and prosperity, we can cultivate and promote good morality – and that external, superficial relationships based upon mutual beneficience are the one’s that may last, in the end.

When concept of self fragments and swirls – and there is not yet enough incentive nor satisfaction in piecing it all back together.

Maybe when I’m 60.

I turn 52 – that’s right, 52 – on the 18th!

Hee Hee Hee!

Whoo-Whoo-Whoo!

HaHaHaHaHaHaHa!

I love the feel of soft, smooth, and supple black leather – that which may or may not be genuine, but feels like heaven.

On the day that I found my black artist sachel, I also found my thigh-high, black-sheen “stomper” boots.

It made me giggle out loud with delight in Ross to have come upon such treaures.

There’s a lot of push to overwork, try to buy a house, live beyond one’s means – and always teeter on the brink of disaster.

I just want to get stabilized.

What burns more than my lungs from repeat coughing is that for weeks I have had all of my energy forced into focusing on just getting through being sick – rather than other aspects of my life where I would prefer to invest productively to gain improvements.

I think that the last time I was solely in business for myself was 2015.

Between then and now, I kept turning myself into a pretzel to conform and find standardized employment.

I could not begin well without a Bachelor’s degree, despite my business and life experience, and every time I entered a model, I found it extremely limited, stilting, and distressing.

At first, it began as a desire to take pressure off of myself to always be the income fabricator.

Then, my conscription tied tighter because for three years I was trying to stay qualified for a fiance visa as the income provider.

After this failed, I was just caught in the chop of the Covid disaster/relief system.

Moving to a new region, I thought I would give it one more go and stuck it out through difficulties – until I realized that the employment paradigm just does not benefit me.

It keeps me bound by dependency on others to provide, and degrades my identity when they don’t – and in fact, turn the responsibility against me, making me responsible for their success or failure.

It just comes down to that I cannot afford the aggravation that this type of toxic relationship imposes upon my emotional psychology.

When what you want eludes you, it’s best to go about your own business.

(Multiple meanings)

Watching and experiencing flagrant disregard of cautions put in place to protect us is like being in a box of viral fire crackers ready to spark off.

The great relief felt when I may return to bed after having pushed to obtain objectives while sick reminds me of the prospective diminished pressure my new lifestyle of self employment may grant me if I approach it with measured balance.

As I give up attachment to outcome, need, desire, and passion turns like the prow of a ship – set free to move with the stronger currents of loving and replenishing the self.