A Woman's Plight, Where Demons Tread

The Trouble With Love

Ok, so here she was, sobbing for being unable to reach out to and hold him.

No way to assuredly contact, so just hoping he was listening.

Can’t go and directly petition because not even confirmed what they are to each other.

Yet, in person immediately defaulting automatically to high self suppression because the situation is so important that her system overloads and freezes.

Let alone, it has never been safe to express her deepest feelings in person about loving a man.

How to be authentuc in person on such a profound level?

Especially exposed out in the open?

What if she suddenly burst out into tears and crumpled?

Was it acceptable to fling herself forward into hugging him?

What does one say simply when entire internal worlds press in wanting to rush out through a body for greeting and welcoming?

How to reach out and touch without clear permission given?

And then, how to unthaw one’s system to respond in any measure to match right timing?

It’s an equation that she had never before experienced – and therefore, could not ensure any perfection.

Altered States, Male Bonding

Privacy

“I had wondered why I had stopped doing my hips’ physical therapy routine at the gym because I need those extra dial-ins, and I am too distracted and compressed at home to do them there.

So last week, I pulled them out again, and then found that guy suddenly in the row right behind me from out of nowhere again.

I caught him looking in a definitely not ok way as I turned to finish my routine.

The look was not one of appreciation, but like he was ‘getting off’ on me lewdly while storing info for later self indulging.

Right.

I had suppressed that memory because it was so, in fact, disturbing.

So I immediately left the area, showing my vote directly with my feet.

But later after making sure to keep always well away from him, and when I was relaxing with eyes closed into unwinding on a machine, he was suddenly right there on the machine next to me – but this time, with his eyes downcast and offering.

There was no mistaking what he was doing.

He had decided to press the point from a different angle with me.

So I got denser in my mass, moved firmly grooved in my own zone, and pushed out ‘don’t mess with me’ vibes as I again immediately left the scene.

His behavior wasn’t something that one can prove easily – which is a disgusting predation scheme that men of baseline morality often like to cultivate, and unfortunately his society cultivates as acceptable for male behavior if done on the ‘down low’ surreptitiously.

And while I could be in a way flattered by his stripping down his ego to submit to me after so rudely leering, the idea of accepting made me want to throw up quite literally.

I am not some abstract geisha queen.”

Altered States, The Accident - As Of 10/10/25 Early AM Named "Clyde" (Short For Collide) Because It's Funny And I Deserve Mirth At Its Expense

Pack Mentality

“The hound and wolf are no longer synced to me, having absorbed into pack mentality.

The other dogs, either being very young or untrained in their communication niceties have more pushy and frequently jarring and obnoxious barking tendencies, so when mine hear me, they whine and demand rudely.

There’s no real hope of my currently curbing mine back to civilized politeness, and so they only respond, if at all, if I yell and demand right back at them – or at the very least, I must be firm in my tone with a ‘don’t mess with me’ edge to it.

I’m not loving the ptsd reaction this keeps reactivating, nor the ever present stress charge blooming on edge of last ditch efforts in self salvaging sparking over into anger.

And I must veer away from thoughts and any desire to walk my two for rebonding and needed extra exercise.

My limbs are just too prone now to tearing if pulled by force into different directions.

But still, if I could find those boot shoes that disappeared, I’d be tempted to try to go carefully with my walking sticks and their harnessing, anyway.

Yet then, they’d build up an even greater demanding in their expectations – and that is not something that I can further manage, especially when I cannot guarantee them nor myself capability of consistency.

So it would be one more pressure that they see in their minds as valid to pile onto me.”