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“You’ve passed the bug onto me.

You know the one.

THE one.

It isn’t fair, you know.

Not if I can’t have you.

Not fair at all…”

It’s been so long since I’ve interfaced in real life with someone that I deeply want to be with.

In uncovering my internal authenticity, I’ve realized recently that ‘reality’ is where I have yet to express and experience this.

There are aspects that I share in brief glimmers here and there externally.

But your sudden arrival about popped my system – where between realms had prior ruled in our passion’s dreaming.

Ah, My Dearest…

I don’t know how to overcome this – how to have so much rushing to the surface all at once, sweeping away reserve, discernation, and propriety.

I feel so much pressure to just shove it all back down because survival has meant that I must always stay hidden.

But, I don’t want to lock down on you again.

And I’m afraid to say something and have it taken literally when it shouldn’t be because this brain injury has increased my abstract external verbal communication complexity.

I feel and think about things so deeply that what comes out in verbal speech is like a simplified conclusion missing needed vital background information so much more important.

What I say maybe not even related to what I truly mean way down deep inside due to automatic brain to speech external instinctual camouflaging!

My best guide for you decoding my underlying truth and intentions in our person-to-person communication is to listen to your heart.

If anything I ever say feels wrong or hurts you – please, please immediately question what I mean and dig into it with me.

Especially if it somehow reinforces prior negative messaging that you have experienced because I can near-guarantee you that I have mispoken and do not mean any harm.

My intentions, always – even when I am mad, hurt, or frustrated – are meant to express myself, but never to cause harm or state dead-end conclusions.

My core resonance is essentially about supporting and promoting mutual growth, love, healing, joy, and happiness.

Yet, I am still trapped within my shell by how society harmed me when I was forming – and its continuous messaging clamps hungrily at my senses, yelling as it tries to keep disallowing my ability to be me and free.

I am constantly battling a war inside of me to reclaim inner authority.

Therefore, my words can sometimes come out as messages fashioned from pieces of phrases that might have absolutely no relavancy to what I am actually feeling inside because my words get limited by what’s been allowed by society if I am under stress.

I am still trying to understand and hack these limits, but because they are within me, they are harder to identify as they mask as if they are parts of me.

And because this can happen more when I am stressed, being stressed puts me in greater disadvantage and less able to see this clearly if happening.

And the language of truth, honesty, and love has been banned from our society.

So I have difficulty not shutting down, not cringing in fear of another rejection at anytime if I speak at all – about anything I care about!

I’ve been so crushed and stepped on in so many of my life’s experiences that I’ve had to learn to tread very cautiously.

You matter so much to me that I was hit so hard by sudden sight of you – and I felt powerless to control or guide the upsurging of so many internal thoughts and emotions.

I care so much about both of us individually and about our getting to be together – and I didn’t want to somehow drive you away by saying or giving wrong signals.

But I gave you the wrong message, anyway – so you see…

I’m having a constantly hard time feeling like I can do anything right, these days.

But my intentions and desires inside want the best possible connecting between us.

I need your help so that I can learn how to bridge better with you.

I hope this message makes sense to you.

“You cast the dust into nothing.”

(Sleep Token, “Rain”)

“Please forgive me.”