“My face is breaking out with impact blotches.
Internal bruising filtering its way to the surface?
I guess this is a good sign – meaning that the dense forehead trauma is trying to break up and alleviate internal pressure.
But its effects look like a type of subtle liver splotching swelling on my face.
Come on, Crone!
Give me a fu**ing break!
Dig down deep into the ground
Closing eyes so they may see
Old wounds still festering
Hiding truths of you and me
Let them bleed out by confessing
Without harm to our life’s legacy
We are not flawed nor broken and
Must allow ourselves to break free
From enchantments still denying
How we have always been worthy
And are designed for
Love’s greatest glory
But they had not deserved what had happened to them – even though they could find plenty of fault in reviewing their own past “mistakes” and extreme behaviorisms enacted that had originally stemmed from source of good and worthy intentions, but had become corrupted over time by continued unrequitement.
So she gently-but-firmly held onto him, refusing to let him go until the spell was broken and their phasing could match – whether back into wolf, human, or some other form better for coinciding.
She knew where it must have happened…
They had both given too muvh to past mates who had not wanted them, and other competitors had come along, taking advantage of their life bond’s power imbalances.
They had each been so open-hearted and invested that they had not realized their own vulnerability – and had been blasted by hits of betrayal.
The black wolf burst into growling, at once feeling the “threat” to their situation.
But rather than let him dig and burst out to attck the well-meaning healer, she grabbed onto him, aware that his scrabbling sharp claws and pierce-snapping jaws could at any moment turn against her.
Surprisingly, he didn’t attack her.
He at first fought against her arms restraining him – but then hearing her cries of pain as her wounds ripped and feeling her will’s determination that for some reason he must stay still in her arms, his aggression subsided into quiet, trembling panting.
She had realized something.
She and the wolf were caught in a duality polar opposites enchantment.
She determined that they would stay in the earth’s concealment, and be receptive to their curse being broken.
The younger woman realized that she must have found the place by how the environment suddenly went very still and silent, as if everything were listening and guarding.
“Still as a tomb” – that was the feeling.
She realized that something different was needed here than she had originally thought and intended.
Deeper earth magic…
Deeper healing.
There was a younger woman looking for her, reading the signs, wanting to find and help her as she checked mounds of leaves to try to identify the tree for where she should begin digging.
But while she appreciated the love and healing that could be shared and provided by this younger one, she willed that for once just leave her there and buried.
She was hurt and tired with her youth’s luster pounded out of her.
She quieted her heart’s beating, willing her cell energy to slow, mask, and blend with the earth’s conduits.
Let her fuse with the elements.
Perhaps they would be her redeeming.
She couldn’t bear the heaviness and pain anymore of trying to work against gravity.
So let her soul become heavy…
Heavy as stone.
She didn’t understand how the black wolf had found her, but since she had been phasing between forms as she ran to ground, she must have left trace trails everywhere.
How she fashioned her thought creations must be like dropping formed petals of hopes and desires along breezy trails that got swept up by little gusts of wind and carried off floating until they landed, fluttering for others to find or miss along their own paths’ travels.
And it was getting colder now as the seasons shifted rapidly from bright leaves falling as their energy spiraled down into winter’s underground dreaming.
He seemed to be asleep, resting against her back, his strength’s heat keeping her system shock shivering down to a minimum.
So she carefully turned, hoping to not wake him, and breathed in his warmth more fully, nestling her face into his long scruff that smelled of green grass, sheltering earth, and the spicey hint of forest detritus that releases into the air as it gets crunched underfoot.
Daring further, she brought her arms up to protect her chest with hands under her chin and tentatively extended her fingers to feel and gently brush the nape of his glossy jet fur.
He was still there with her, but she didn’t know why.
If he were a man, would he welcome her into his arms and protect her like this?
She imagined her head resting upon her mate’s chest, listenimg to his heartbeat, as their arms wrapped around each other like the roots of trees, securing.
“Oh, to be able to reach out to touch and grasp your fingers, reassuring you as you reassure me…”
“Are you my ‘Jekyll and Hyde?'”
“Please do not judge your light and dark sides against each other.
They both have validity and compliment each other.”
The fact that I have managed to create
What I have created through the years
Is testament of my determination to
Lean against barriers until they budge
“I don’t know how to recover from this accident, except to go slower while experiencing more neural twitching – and to keep doing what I have been doing.
But the resources are even thinner now, and all I can do is keep trying to show up, even with further diminished capacity.
Yeah…
My kids and I have had to have the talk.
‘If I end up in a home because my system crashes, don’t give up on me – please make sure that I am getting the right therapies for recovery.
And if I am ever in a coma, don’t give up on me.
I am in here, trying to reroute the wiring.'”
That I should avoid influences
But you made it impossible to
So tell me now, love
Where’s our reward?
(Multilevel sobs)
“I have been trying to figure out why my several, strong attempts to stop my flipping fall head first into the shower wall that Friday night failed and, instead, resulted in increasing momentum each time gripping moist hands hit the wall.
Usually, fiberglass-like plastic will have a dry squeek traction that one can engage with once out of the direct water’s flow – even with damp hands.
But, instead, a sequence of expounded upon slippery compounding effects resulted, assuring my impacting doom.
Then, yesterday, a friend reminded me that the cleanser used in hotel bathrooms is a spray that they wipe over the surfaces and never have time to rinse off.
I remember this being true from my own past experiences of when I briefly tried working in different hotels, but did not take the jobs because it was a thematic that management expects cleaners to cut corners for quick room turnovers.
So layers of this spray accumulate, and with no traction provided on the tub floor or bars on the wall for maintaining stability, the situation is a ticking time bomb scenario for an accident to happen.
I also noticed after being moved to a room with bars in the bathroom after the accident that those shower walls were also flexible.
So, great…
Flexible walls saved my life by providing some bounce to my head and shoulder impacts – instead of cracking with force into a hard surface – but slickery walls without bars was a set up to cause someone damage in the first place.
And I just happened to get the ‘luck of the draw’ that evening.”
“Fresh damage from the shower accident.”
In this quiet, we belong to each other
Yet in the ‘real world,’ we are far apart
Until I feel you then, too, permeating
What madness pervades my senses
Causing such desires blooming
Without ability to touch you?
Teach me your desires so that
I may give you what you need
Freeing you from anguish
So we both may fully feed
“I am supposed to be soul-vibrating in love’s frequencies.”
(10:13 AM)
An agent of deliberate intentions.
(10:11 AM)
“It is a ‘Hallmark’ of an accomodator to try to make things easier for others.”
“I know we think that it is perhaps safer to keep things the way that they have always been – but this is because we are afraid to be vulnerable in order to receive and give.”
“I must know that I am good enough – even though I do not feel that I am good enough.
It is harsh to keep having what few externals that I had felt proud of exhibiting being taken away.”
She had loved being able to breathe in his scent, and had forgotten that that was an essential element in bonding relationships.
—-
(Neurofeedback altered states internal experience as if in a waking drean)
Repost from November 2022
“Dependent upon help from society.
Remember how I’ve been consigned for ages as an outlier?
Well the side benefit of this was my autonomy and independence!
My pride and self manifestation!”
Look at me now
See my suffering
Did I truly do something wrong to
Deserve my beloved’s distancing?
See how it turns me inside out &
How I try to redirect to creating
You and I are not so different
Caught in the wakes of losses
Therefore, let my pain
Absolve your suffering
The guilt you felt and feel
Let my regard forgive you
Awaken, my love &
Accept being loved
We are both broken so
Let’s start the mending
Candid Corvid Productions 