There is a hidden arc to every story line, which in being unable to further climb past mountains, she was determined to scale until she could clearly see the world stretching out before her, far below.
Category: A Woman’s Plight
Movie Fifty Shades Darker Quote
No rules.
No punishments.
No more secrets.
A Love Letter’s Reveal
I have not known for sure that it is me that you have wanted.
This has created immense insecurity in me.
I have loved you from the very beginning.
My heart’s soul recognized your love as having been made from the same cloth as mine.
I cannot remember what I said to you that first time that I crossed the line.
I thought that perhaps my words would not matter to you – but I felt compelled then to bridge and give them to you.
I sensed something there could be between us – a shared essentiality that I could not ignore.
But I also knew that you needed time to figure out and decide things for your self, in your own way and processes.
I have loved you from behind the scenes, from behind the veils that have ever cloaked me.
I will continue loving you.
I will support you.
Sincerely, from the depths of my heart.
Even when I am pissy, frustrated, and totally angry at you for misreading my signals and/or seemingly deliberately misunderstanding me and getting it “wrong” – I still love, want, and need you in my life, playing your part.
And my heart – even when it decides to do the crazy things that it feels it must needs to do that also mis-signal you in its own attempts to still self protect – will always want to return to yours, no matter what.
I love your essence.
I love your core.
I still do not know you in our physical reality but I want to – always, and more.
So do you want to figure out how to make our dreams come true together at last, my dearest darling lover baby heart-throbbing, love-aspiring – yet nihilistic existentialist?
If you do, please reach out to me clearly.
Just let me know that you want me too, my honey bun bee.
Your sugar is here, ready to still struggle against the inevitable demise of your securing me.
Yet secretly, hopefully and happily anticipating.
(Love Potion #9 – The Searchers)
Rye Hilarity
What was funny was that she had meant to pack her roll-on scent focusing on devotion, but somehow instead found inserted “Love Draw” potion – which she had not packed (or maybe had packed, previously) and had not wanted to apply.
But she had put this scent on, anyway – not feeling quite right about doing so, but wanting to smell nice and pretty.
At The Club
The decision to invite, to prepare, and to show up had all been levels she’d had to traverse despite internal barriers.
She took a chance once there and asked a man if they knew each other.
He said no, she apologized for the mistake, and then distanced.
Nerves entering the dance floor, she began on the outskirts.
How was she to get into the groove, the rhythm at any given time in a room full of strangers?
How was he to find her among a sea of bobbing heads?
She couldn’t wait in the lounge like some ‘trick’ as if with a sign that said, “love for sale.”
So she stepped up to stand above the crowd on the farthest bench as she leaned against the wall and (quietly, assuredly, stoically) observed the participants subtly, focusing on the DJ while lightly skim-scanning for any trace of him in top to lower levels
Then, the man that she’d approached came and asked her to step down, as the event’s managers needed to keep other people from climbing up.
Thus, having announced her presence the best that she could, the only thing she could think of next to do was to find the pulse of the music.
So she spiraled in to the heart of the dancing crowd, feeling for the groove, and feeling for how to neutrally – yet joyously – share connection.
People came, and people left, and then she was with a good group, reflecting her spouts of expressive freedom and fun-loving energy in their own way, surging and expressing in ranging variety.
She could feel her zone syncing, and it felt good to be part of a collective positivity.
Had she helped influence them into carefree abandon by releasing her own self a bit in the darkened room, publicly?
Was it a group dynamic of right aligning in energetic perfect timing?
Then she saw him to her left…
A different man staring right at her and smiling every time she glanced his way.
She kept smiling back, feeling able to do so with her eyes cloaked behind her spiffy sunglasses – making her braver than she could have been without them.
Yet it felt like he could see right through them, and they kept strong-connecting as he’d watch her eyes search for, find, and then briefly look intently back at him.
There was communication going on between them in a language that she had never spoken with another on that wavelength before.
And every time she would glance toward his way, his eyes were locked onto her, and she wanted more.
But the crowd’s surging and patterns of dancing took him farther away from her.
And the people he was with seemed to form a type of inadvertent barrier toward her approaching him or his reaching for her.
And the DJ’s constant music interruptions began aggrivating her sense of harmony, making her have to work too hard to keep adjusting to maintain her sphere.
And her limbs had been too good for too long and she was pretty sure that she was likely about to be causing damage.
Go outside for air…
Just recover a bit and then you can go back inside and try to find him, again…
As she carefully climbed steps from the dance floor, passed through the lounge, and then exited the building, she confirmed with the door person that she could re-enter and luckily found an outside chair to sit upon.
A different man she’d seen earlier inside came to inspect the food cart in front of her, turned slightly to assess her and maybe initiate conversation, but then left her alone.
Observing this as if from a too far distance, she found herself frozen upright stiff and solid in a granite-type body language guarding, warding off others’ energy in a self protectuve lockdown.
Shock.
She was surprised to find that she was in a state of shock.
It just hit her hard as a solid awareness once she was able to stop moving her body and disconnect from social process.
Was it from overexertion?
Or was it from possibly seeing him – but his hands were around the waist of another person?
If it had been him, the feelings suddenly inside wrenched at her.
She had thought what they had was beyond special.
That it was sacred.
Just between the two of them.
Inviolate.
But the messages on any count were still unclear and confusing – whether it had really been him dancing with others, or whether he had remained secluded in the shadows – or even if he had not been there at all, in the first place.
She had offered, extended – yet still had no real answer returned.
Bumped further off of her track hard by this sudden system shutdown, all she could do was gather her dignity elegantly and retreat back to her car.
Back to the safety of prior knowns.
Back to where she could tend to her recovery, and could focus on nursing her wounds.
A Wonderful Night
“Overall, the prospect of at last meeting him, getting dressed up, and going out on the town to go dancing had been exilarating!”
You Know…
“If I start yelling, I’m just gonna keep on yelling at this point – so I need to not yell.”
“Home Again, Home Again – Ouch!”
“My things are scattered now between car and home.
Went straight from the trip back into crisis and work.
The dishes are piled higher, still dirty, with more dust on furniture and grime on floors.
Monday saw agency denial and Tuesday pending eviction’s next step throws.
But my new training is beginning to find ways to integrate and show up on its own.
And I have learned more about my capacities for loving beyond boundaries – yet my integrity ever struggles to remain at the fore.”
—
(Title movie Bladerunner reference)
What I Want
“The question has come up generally, so I will answer it plainly – keeping in mind to let it be noted that there are many other things and aspects that I also desire to have included and added throughout time.
But to bare, basic desired necessities building the bedrock of good partnership in relationship with me:
1. Amazing, deeply intimate and evolving, groundbreakingly-hot sexual mutual feedings.
Yes, I said it.
There are integral reasons for this – not the least of which includes providing a forum for creating deep trust and soul bonding through developing a shared love language.
2. Absolute, unwavering commitment to each other and the relationship first and foremost, yet also taking into consideration other life aspects.
3. The creation and maintenance of an excellent, adjusting-to-needs system of productively and positively reinforcing communication.
4. Monogomous fidelity.
5. Shared vision.
More to be added, yet these are core essentials whereupon a blueprint for enduring success becomes a guide.”
No Ho-Ho
3:45AM and finally to bed.
I think that’s the problem.
I keep pushing
But, then again, how else can I win unless I keep up my momentum?
(Crashes and burns)
The Next Blow
Some things, the audience did not need to know…
You Better Believe It
Because you don’t know what’s possible when a woman of faith and passion is finally given safety’s mutual exchange.
You Have No Idea
Fury too damn late
Reason dislocates
And you’ll never have to talk about it
You’ll never wanna talk about it
—
(Sleep Token “Granite” lyrics)
Imprint’s Admission
He’d made a mistake in keeping her guessing.
Whatever original intentions, his anonymity was allowing others to infiltrate and attempt to manipulate.
This had caused her to attach to one possibly incorrectly – and then, later to another, causing internal dichotomy.
Due to her adherence to faith and loyalty in love, this put her now on the edge of duplicity.
How had she been man-euvered into this position?
Inside, she screamed at the pain as she felt torn apart from within.
Why?
Why was she put into this position?
She struggled to rip her heart out of these embedments so that she could feel honest and free again.
What she wished most was to live honestly, to give purely, and to not contribute to deception’s sins.
Especially when it came to the heart that she had most wished to champion.
So she withdrew again, less able to trust than before – which compressed passions.
Mystery
Draws us closer by illusion of safety
But if not careful, becomes entangling
Fragmenting orientation’s spacial reality
Restraint
She had learned caution
As essential to survival
Yet needed connection
Which confused efforts
Delayed Gratifications
“I no longer want to have to wait regarding some things.
So why does it still seem necessary to?”
Even If As Decor
“I am glad to have my instruments near.”
(Closer Than You – William Black & AMIDY)
Baby,
I protect myself because I have no filters.
You matter so much to me that I need to be careful to still hold my own center when I am around you.
(Kickstart My Heart – Motley Crew)
Having Difficulty
Driving back…so tired, feeling lack.
Hugs
(Dig – Incubus)
The Bonds Of A Love Once Lived
In the dream, her ex-husband sauntered into a kitchen where she was rumaging for snacks after having just seen that she was at last spending quality, playful exploration time together with her guy.
Her ex said that there was a region steeped in ancient tradition on the other side of the world where he could obtain a type of rare martial arts swords that could be used – and at first she thought that he was planning to move there for his own further training.
But, no…
What he meant was that the depths of his feelings of envious protectionism compelled him to express what he could do with them to go after the guy she was seeing – said in playful jest, but growly, heartfelt meaning.
“You see,” her ex-husband explained for once clearly, “I am finally mad at myself for not being able to be with you, anymore.”
She stopped in her tracks and pulled up straight – alert, wary, and very unprepared to hear such words come out of his mouth and giving him a crinkled brow look of extreme confusion, saying “What the – ?!”
And for the first time in far too long, she could see him – truly at last see him – with his clarity of mind, heart, and soul restored – shining right there, openly in his eyes, again.
As tears shimmered and a bit of shy, open love poured out at last from him for her, he reached out to straigthen her shirt collar in a tenuous display of affection and said, “Now…go get your man.”
And she reached for him with a muffled cry, letting the love for him that she had still felt over so many years pour out into him.
They hugged for a long moment, and then laughed tearfully together as he shrugged ruefully in acceptance at his life’s past and current predicaments.
Taking his face gently between her hands, she gently kissed his lips, forehead, cheeks, and then back to his his lips to share in their moment of brief reuniting how happy she was that he felt and was whole inside, again.
Then she pulled away with nervous haste – and he laughed gratefully with more than just warmth in his eyes at acknowledgement that they both knew that her reason was to avoid rekindling their flame’s sparks, again.
With heart ache and sincerest appreciation, she realized that she was now set free to fly and soar among Heaven’s higher realms with her guy on the wings of love, again.
Intense Emotions
Sometimes take time to unpack
(Love Will Find A Way – Pablo Cruise)
Sharing Isn’t Caring
“Not in this case…not when fidelity was implicitly promised.”
So What’s The Real Deal?
“You and me, only – or a type of polygamy?
A Heart’s Crush
“Maybe that person was worried that they would lose you, and maybe the other’s concern was because now there were mixed messages – and you…
You just trusted and believed in me purely, thinking that I would be able to see through all of it to the more important core truths.
But, I am human, too…
My heart is very fragile when so open – and I need clear reassurances when exposed to mixed signals”
(Title of multiple meanings)
Mine
“I thought you were…that was the whole original point to my investment…”
I Guess,
“I finally broke at the event – and then fled to safety.”
And, Yet
He had kept smiling at her in such happy peacefulness – as if none of that mattered, and she was all that he cared about.
What did it all really mean?
Body Language
“If you’ve got your hands on someone’s waist to help appease their possesively jealous insecurity, this means…”
This Is Why
She had declared for the other one.
His energy had matched the message.
‘Compromise’ had meant granting patience, not compromising commitment.
Polar Swing
Beween mixed identities and now potential mixed alliances, she suddenly felt even more out of her element.
(Multiple meanings)
Shock’s Breakdown
What she had seen had seemed to indicate that his love was not for her only – which was opposite from the messages that she had received and believed in.
(Title of multiple meanings)
Niggling Crack
Was she expected to share him with another?
([I Love You] For Sentimental Reasons – Nat King Cole)
Premises
Her heart did not know where safety and trust could be found.
She felt flipped and laid flat upon the ground, as if her trust had been misled and broken.
(Title of multiple meanings)
I’m Feelin’
“A little bashed and trashed.”
(Ripped nails and heartache)
Unsettled
She felt extremely insecure about her position.
(Voodoo – Godsmack)
Disconnected Frequencies
Maybe there were just limits in her injured capacities to hold open a door and risk at any given time.
Sudden Flare
When she’d left the gathering’s ensmble to recallibrate and get some fresh air, she paused outside and realized that she was in a state of physio and psychological shock.
She didn’t know why…he didn’t follow…so she retreated to her solace full of emptiness and bleak despair.
Comparative Sharing
She was now cold in the classroom without her favorite, soft, and insulative sweater jacket.
But she knew that she was not as cold as the woman curled up on the concrete had been.
Time Bumpers
Time constraints to help keep m8ving through system, pushes toward commitment and confudence creator – even though initially feels restrictive.
(An instructors guidance)
Creating A Frame Of Reference
So that you feel like you are “participating together.”
(Therapist approach to help assist another’s system, and which can apply to personal connection relationships)
Strangers
“I don’t know you.”
Candid Corvid Productions 