Category: A Woman’s Plight

“We had ridden up way into the mountains – farther than I had gone since a child.

We stopped in one of the main tourist lodges to look around – and the raw crystal slabs of flourite caught my attention, having never seen any of such colored, resonant clarity before.

I turned to him and tried to deferentially ask, ‘Do you think I could get one of these, sometime?’

For I was still very young and not yet solidly employed.

A simple enough sharing of fascination’s joy and longing to hold something mystical in one’s possession as newly budding love’s symbolism.

But there was a piece of reticence in his vague reply – and I detected a strong hinted undercurrent of resentment, which shut me down immediately.

I blew it off and let the innocent request go, sensing sudden clouds of hidden potential conflict between us.

I didn’t understand why or what it related to at the time, but this having to read into what was expected of me to figure out how to keep him happy set the tone for imbedded insecurity in relationship inequality.”

“There are certain moves they say that a woman must make in order to capture a desired man’s interest.

Or rather, moves to not make – which result in a retraction of energy that ‘keeps one’s cards close to chest’ to ‘retain one’s attraction, one’s power,’ etc.

For example, creating a song with an honestly-motived declaration of love is considered these days to be ‘so passe,’ they’d say – and surely would cause any man to run toward the opposite direction!

Right?

‘Of course…’

Instead, one should withdraw and be mysterious – one should never display true, open-hearted glimpses of one’s intentions!

This means that if I display any giving of myself freely, doing so will set up the impression that I am ‘easy to access’ – and then no man will see me as rare and desireable and that I am the best of all prizes.

Well, as my Dear Friend has unfortunately had to experience first hand, it turns out that despite what I display, I am not, in fact, so easy to access – despite any accidental impressions given.

(I am so sorry for our misunderstanding, my Still Desired…)

And, anyway – there is a huge logic fault to this kind of ‘withholding’ thinking.

Though these ‘strategies’ may work as a type of manipulation, they create broken lines of communication and prevent creating solid connection congruency.

It is true that my path has been extremely solitary – and maybe it is because I actually intentionally don’t play courtship games.

Honestly, I do not understand most of them.

I mean, why don’t people just communicate, directly?

Where is there security that two people are even on the ‘same page?’

And while I can observe some thrilling results from them, playing games is not something that has ever come easy nor automatically to me.

Maybe this is from retained hypervigilance after having repeatedly experienced multiple and varital types of social trauma?

Yet, more likely, it is because I have always had a preset of highly valuing honesty.

This predisposition naturally blocks gaming requirements of being able to easily slide into behaviors of ‘subterfuge’ in the name of outwitting competitors.

However…

I would like to learn some games to play that make courtship with My Desired plenty hot and spicey – don’t get me wrong!

Absolutely!

Sign me up and count me in!

But I’d prefer to have us clearly predefine the games’ rules and parameters to ensure that we can avoid any accidental harm or misunderstandings, and so that maximum mutual fun and benefits could be gained for our happy experiences.

(‘Stand under the stained-glass and I will know it’s you…’ – Sleep Token)

Honestly, I just prefer to be me – vulnerably daring – even if desiring someone openly ends up causing derision from society.

I believe that love and courtship are so much more fun when both partners feel how much they are loved and wanted from each other – and games played have outcomes providing mutual satisfaction winning.”

There is a great deal to
Address and overcome

In creating and building
A functional relationship

I am stuck on a repeat cycle where
Men are attracted to be my burden

What I mean is they like my strength
So think they can put weight on me

For the health of our relationship
Desiring a free ride’s easy breeze

So I have to keep my heart reigned
Ready to stop and walk away again

Because attraction’s initiation
Doesn’t guarantee partnership