Category: A Woman’s Plight

“It’s still f****d that he was taken from me when I had just figured it all out and was on my way to tell him.”

(Early twenties, 1994)

“What I see around me is a tease.

None of it is mine – except what I brought with me and seem to be in process of losing.

I am only allowed to give to others, but rarely receive.”

Sometimes, patience is overrated.

“I’m either all in, or not involved. I don’t understand how people can play only partially. “

“So olllld – ah-ha ha-ha-ha!”

(Society takes ageism way too seriously)

“It’s likely ok that I’m out of faith because I sustained radical positivity for so long that there’s bound to be an accounting.”

“Works well if they are also living for you.”

“I mask enough in my daily life, carefully choosing what fits each occasion.

But for the time being, this space is mine.”

“I guess it must be ok to realize that I no longer have the answers,”

“And what man is capable of and would want to invest in me where I am stuck and seem unwilling?

When I was honestly open and available, these traits were not valued nor encouraged – and they certainly were not given safe haven.”

“There’s this concept that finding true partnership could restore peace and prosperity

But it’s really more about finding congruency and mutual devotion.”

A state that overcomes a woman when her valiant efforts are found to have been wasted.

When trust can no longer be valued.

“No man should be allowed to bring another womsn into my house – either in concept or reality.”

She had traveled to where they used to have a specialist, but all that was left of the structure was its foundation.

“My heart…my heart doesn’t have what it needs.”

How each individual
And group of people

Picked on and tugged
At what glued them

Because of jealousy, envy,
Or misplaced sense of duty

But ultimately the couple
Failed because he gave in

Regal and elegant
Strongly prevailant
Yet shattered frail

She could see the good and potential in people, and she never played coy keep away games to get a man to have to earn her.

She just just loved with an open heart and invested without ego or judging one.

And she wondered if this was why men felt that they could easily take her for grantef.

(Title ref to  phrase,  “A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush.”)

“It upsets me that all I can do is slow the fall…”

To have spoken of such things to where their grip relinquishes the life caught and throttled within?

Although she had known at the time that the zealots were full of sh** to condemn her as a child when she had commited no wtongdoing, they had still gotten their way because it was if she were actually condemned to living in Hell, surrounded by their vacuous influences.

“Unfortunately, it seems to increase with time.”

“If I was not desired in my younger years, why would I be desired when injured?”

Either there was nothing or
Waves of grief kept coming

Was this a type of depression
Sucking her will to keep living?

“It’s not a bad life…

I could do this…”

“I guess when the children have grown and no longer so much depend upon a mother’s consistency, it is finally ‘safe’ for her ‘to let down her hair’ and process more fully her own experiences.”

“One can have it – and not need to beg attention for it.”

“The truth is, looking back, I’ve apparently never been given a very good offer.

When younger, love was so rare that when a glimmer of it arrived, I grabbed on tight, did my best to keep nourishing it, and ‘made the most of things.’

But now I know what kinds of damage that lack of reciprocation can actually render, and it becomes undeniably clear that there are no real options for me to currently invest in.

The blinders have been torn off for some time, now – and as my once ever-overflowing-despite-any-challenges optimism finally dwindles out from fatigue, I survey the wrecked fields that I’ve been left with and think to myself, ‘I need a better view.'”

He had drawn her back into believing their love was at last rekindling, and although things still felt off, he seemed to be trying.

But then, as she encouraged him to express his feelings, trying to be supportive as she’d always been, it at last came out that he was just using her to make sure how he felt about another woman he’d been seeing.

“I think that when a man chooses an alcoholic, disabled prostitute over the vital woman who did everything she could to help him rebuild his life while providimg a family and developing herself competently leaves a debilitatingly negative impact upon the woman’s self esteem, sense of self worth, and overall confidence that she could ever be desireable to anyone – especially when she keeps encountering ignorantly shallow men who take her for granted.”

Something about the sanctity of pair bonding would not permit her to keep from speaking truth when she found herself tangled up in another shallow relationship.

She experiened spliced-together snippeted dreams of types of roles that men could be in for her, but the one that lingered most strongly was the feel of one man’s fingers interlaced tightly with hers in a promise to be there always.

“A friend told me that good guys get taken quick, once they are ‘out on the market.’

But, I’m not going to go out there and flaunt myself to gain someone’s attention.”