Category: Alex (An Ideal)

“Are we the same in our tendencies?

Do we fit together in our needs?

What I’d give to find out, if you’d concede.”

“To feel it for real, on our skin.”

—-

(Title ref to Sleep Token’s “Provider”)

Until my eyes
Behold you

Here, now
In my life

It will be difficult
To regulate how

I feel about you
In your absence.

“I am sorry if I have said anything that has made you uncomfortable.

I am working in a vacuum here, and also, still learning.”

“Do you think that we could build it between us?”

“I am so glad to be able to write to you here because it filters out the intensity of the emotions I’m feeling – and I hope allows you to see me more clearly without overstimming you in the process.

I have been around a lot of wonderful, yet autistic people who inadvertently have given me a complex due to their oversensitivies.

And I was told while growing up that I was the one who was sensitive!”

“What is your ideal of a bonded pair?

How could we act?

What could we share?”

Darn it!

I don’t understand these delays – and why is time both pressuring and preventing me in progessing?

It’s like I live a year in a day – but not much around me is changing, not getting accomplished – and I need time to slow down, but can’t afford it to.

Or maybe, I am just frantically spinning my wheels like a mouse on a track set, in a room surrounded by a field of stasis.

Meanwhile, I can see I’m not getting any younger by the strain from the injuries.

If I weren’t struggling so hard to recover, I’d probably be weathering better.

And what’s so important about “right timing,” anyway?

And why does my own mind get all tangled up in overcompensating – still thinking I must manage everything?

Again, it is said that a woman moves into her masculine energy when fighting for survival.

I just want to scream into the void for you to “Come save me, already!”

Lol.

But then I worry that I would likely push you aside to get you out of the way so that I could stumble and flail wildly at the next demons approaching – so used to battling on my own, that I feel crazed and hazey.

Maybe its the injuries, but circumstances sure keep fecking mobbing!

And I am so tired of always fighting.

Yet, I no longer feel able to live any other way – even though memories of what partnership is meant to be still haunt me.

And I am having difficulty identifying with what remains of myself.

I am just trying to at least keep holding solid ground while encountering massive slippage.

What good can I initially be for you when you arrive?

Unless you plan on us sleeping entwined, nourishing each other for the next century so that we can both recover and reclaim our vitality.

Sounds perfect to me, actually.

Although I know reality needs attending.

Maybe we could find a middle ground while being mutually endulging?”

“I just need to know.”

“It has never been safe for me to need a man – for men of this age have been cracked or broken, and they no longer understand.”

“I don’t know if I can accomplish what I must accomplish in one month.”

“Do you know?

How we can keep it going?”

“When I saw you at last in person, I took a risk to share with you.

I wanted you to experience my energy – how it can be at its brightest.

Of anyone I’ve ever known you’re the one who could match and reflect it.

And I wanted you to feel my passion supporting you.”

“I remember long ago, falling in love with your heart’s beat – although I did not know it was you because visuals included other artistry.

And when you began to emerge, more and more in different purviews, I saw and felt your anguish, yet something was strongly stirring.

I barely dared to hope that you’d be free to someday join me.”

A promise to me
On bended knee

Your pledge to
Provide safety

I ask about
Logistics

Fascinated by
Your proposal

Unsure of how
Will manifest

A white flower
In its entirety

Given to
Remind

—

This morning’s dream

Why am I dreaming of you?

“When I try to rest, my body will suddenly quiver abruptly, as if it’s trying to break free – but likely is attempting to shake out the lockdown impingements from the accident’s damage found, to make room for you as you move through my internal world’s scenery.”

https://images.app.goo.gl/qhxA46Ud6ug7a5E39

“I can be your HighLight.”

“My sleep would not calm and allow me rest this early morning until I created ‘Love’s Quarry.'”

“Maybe when we meet the right person, our emotions start to tumble around, preparing for our hearts to grow.”

“I know it’s complicated, but let’s do this.”

“Like a space ship speeding through our galaxy, I pray you slingshot around those planets and return to me – post-haste, my sweet.”

“I think it has been too long since I’ve had a partner to talk to and share things with.

The ache is not easily managed, and I wonder if it can ever be fed well-enough.”

“Do you believe in ‘One Love?’

I mean, there seem to be issues when it comes to lack of – or even – proximity within intimate relationships.”

“I dreamed I was there, and I understood.”

“Can you see who I truly am underneath all of these struggles?”

“I am on the next ‘leg’ of my journey, still without levels of needed stability.

With the passage of time marking, I am hoping I’ll continue to progress despite my injuries.

However, the insecurity is intimidating.”

“I’m not going to let anybody take you from me, as you are now transformed officially into ‘an ideal’ so that no one can ever think they’ve guessed your identity.”

“Take my illness and use the energy for good.”

“How do people negotiate getting to know each other in current society? Traditions I grew up with over time seem to have been displaced and are disregarded, and my inner world has become more complex.”

“It seems that even as love’s intuition guides me, I am called to help heal others. Maybe I will never again be in my own partnered relationship because wild magic and other forces seem to be leading into unknowns.

But, still…”