Category: Alex (An Ideal)

“When I think of you, feel for you, reach for you in your manifesting, I find you in the center of this state of being.”

“When I feel unsure about something so important, I retreat, find shelter, and sit back, watch, and listen.”

“I don’t know where I stand with you.”

“I’ve been wrong, before.

You can go if you need to.”

“We can overcome anything together if we apply ourselves to it.”

I’m terrified to talk to you
Afraid anything I say or do

Can get misinterpreted
Because people project

And fears conscript moments
That need to breathe truthfully

I’ve been fighting off demons
I can’t kill that keep reaching

I see them everywhere I look
It’s like we’re all a bit infected

And I don’t want to lose you
I want us to be inoculated

Do you understand meaning
When I say I want to dance?

Is your heart at last ready
For this feast after famine?

Are you willing to fight hard
For truth buried underneath

The lies everyone’s gonna tell
To pull us apart and sabotage

Everything we have both earned
By hearts’ loss pure endurance?

“Witnessing you pour your being into your art and feeling my heart respond like a phoenix bursting out from its ashes – fire bright lit and taking flight into ascending – has got me aching to know if it’s really you.”

Sometimes, it feels like you are closer to me.

But, I still can’t tell if you are real or fantasy.

Would could bring you closer to me?

Keep in mind you have always been an ideal.

Perhaps no one fits your form, in reality.

Today is my birthday.

Poised upon the shore’s edge, I can peer into the deeper waters fairly easy, being so close to cusped Pisces.

Maybe it was my cat of the same name that taught me by her nurturing through harsh childhood loneliness how to be softer than most other Aquarians in life encountered.

In fact, it seems that many are missing the meaning of why they are here as they tout their designated sun signs as boastful power entitlements.

Are all of these closed minds just suddenly going to open up, become enlightened, and help assist transformation in our world?

Meanwhile, I am grateful for your positive influences.

I keep the household going by the frizzled fumes of my exhausted, yet valiant efforts.

The resources that I have been depending upon are dwindling too rapidly, and I am worried while working to regain business income before these gap fillers run out.

And our new tiger is, of course, a handful, with a loud, strong yowl that keeps going whenever he doesn’t get what he wants.

While his addition to our family has been a type of stabilizing blessing, the frequent mind and emotional pinging has been breaking down my nerves on a daily basis.

Maybe the load is exacerbated by my also having to manage the pack’s dynamics as I work to safely acclimatize them to each other, as well as pressured struggling to save our beloved ranger.

I almost had to make “the call” to let her go this week, but then by a miracle of inspiration tested her desire to eat by syringe feeding.

Fortunately, she has been ravenously responsive, and I am hoping that she’ll regain weight by my frequent hand-feeding her as I encourage, snuggle, and praise her.

It is frightening to have almost missed this opportunity to help prolong her life when she very much wants to keep living.

She has several medical complications that we are treating, so it has been difficult to figure out what care has still been missing.

Meanwhile, our hound’s opportunistic love of food and big-hearted caring has resulted in her generously grooming our ranger after each feeding, which they both enjoy as they warm up by the fire and I fret about possible roughness vs. fragility.

And, as I had hoped that the hound and tiger would get along together, it is a huge win that they tease and play with each other rambunctiously.

However, all of this is being a lot to supervise.

The wolf sides with me regarding the overwhelm, giving an occasional warning growl or bark at times because the tiger loves her fluffy tail and sneaks up on and pounces upon her from many angles in attempts to innovatively engage her.

Wolf is mostly tolerant and supportive by taking part in the social thrum of our new front room dynamics, but she gets a little cranky at times because she is going blind and cannot easily track him.

I did not think you would seek to understand me.

Is it possible to rinse clean
Stains of lost loves’ tragedies

Recover from toil that working to
Overcome hearbreak’s wreckage

Seems to ever demand
Without compensation?

I feel cursed, Alex – condemned to
Walk upon Earth as only a shadow

And I cannot break free from its gravity
No matter how innovatively I strategize.

It has felt like I have been dragged through the mud and led on a wild goosechase to find the truth of you and what it means for me.

How many times among the heads bobbing
Have you searched – only to find intangibles

That you could take home and hold, but
Could not reciprocate love on your terms

Beyond mere illusion
Of a night’s reprieve?

I’m out here
Struggling

To rise
Above

Shallow
Waters

We went back home
To California

It was good to own
The streets again

To grace the doorways of
A past life’s memories

At the Morro Bay’s
Cozy bungalo

A hotel drain
Made rhythm

From softly pouring
Gentle raindrops

I have a burbling
Tempo recording

From late night arrival
Waking too early next morning

Cayucos waters
Were cold

But not as cold
As Oregon’s

Our ocean low tide waves
Sidled up to greet and hug our legs

And we played in their wonderment
Fingers carressing flowing liquid

My youngest gathering
So many gems for us

My occassional attempts
At stone throw-skipping

A surfer went out of his way
To make sure I’d see him

What could it mean
When we were leaving?

And I sobbed in the waves
For all of the love that I have lost

In all I have accomplished
This has been the greatest cost

Friends reuniting at our favorite
Burger joint, bakery, and bookstore

Beloved and missed
Extended family

Full circle closure
As new life begins

Gasoline pop-splattering
Refilling the car rental

As if elements conspired
To prevent our departure

Destroyed my
Favorite outfit

Causing scenes of
Managed distress

Wondered what passengers
On the return flight thought

After scrambling
To board on-time

Loving the plane
And shuttle rides

But yelling – panicked in the car as got
Stuck high between bridge transitions

Portland city lights are gorgeous
But driving needs solid ground

Vertigo’s a real bitch
To me these days

Dreamed that I had
An infant daughter

With short
Dark hair

And calm
Demeanor

You never know until later
What a child’s hair color will be

If it will be straight or
Wild and curly

Oh, you should
Have seen her

It felt so good to hold her in
Mother and child synergy

My two have flown
The nest is empty

My own wings still sticking
Held tight as a single mother

Are in need of shaking free
Flexing, strengthening

And my instincts
Are disoriented

Do I rebuild
Or fly away?

I did not think that your form would change into any reality for me.

You have always been an ideal, which now, perhaps, becomes human.

Is there anything left to say?

I dreamed we three hung out:
I was part of your inner circle.

Accepted and unchallenged –
At last, belonging somewhere.

We spoke of a leather jacket
So thin that it required oiling.

I shared multi-slicing biscuits
Crisped with butter and honey.

It was enough to be with you
Part of what was happening.

Then, it was time for photos
And I asked to not be in any.

You often save me, lift me
When I feel I have nothing.

Strange how moments evolve
As if our lives are paralleling.

Did you find what you were looking for, or is it all still compromise with disillusion?

…yeah…

“I don’t know how to get through this!” she blurted out, feeling desperate and confused.

His at rest, calm, and assured pressence replied, “You’ll find a way. You always do…”

How do you feel safe among the crazed?

There’s a kind of brilliance that goes with “madness,” and a kind of “madness” that goes with brilliance.

I do not know why, but it comforts me to know that you are out there, somewhere.

As one person’s cycle is ending, another’s is just beginning.

You’re just a kid, and I’m an aged spinster.

I thought you could see and understand such complexities of being a warrior human.

How the brain partitions off when in fight or flight’s defending; how it freezes the body to be still when the dead of night are stalking.

Yet, we are merely a man and a woman.

Mayhap I was to be a bridge to help you, and you were to be this for me.

Seen as far off horizon bright stars shining, offering encouragement, perspective, and mirroring for self reflections.

It’s clear that I have capabilities.

Maybe if I were willing to focus upon only one pursuit, I could gain skills that would seem irrefutable – no matter what external factors throw at me.

But I cannot help it.

I want to embrace so many things!

It is true that were I financially independent from having to sweat and toil for my daily existence that I would continue to seek out ways in which to help and contribute.

(Title play with words)

I reached for you, but you didn’t reach back.

So why these dreans?