Category: Altered States

“How can it take hours to do dishes, upgrade a pre-prepared meal, and make boxed mix cookies?

Granted, I added more ingredients – but it did not look like there were that many dirty dishes!”

“Adrenal craaaaash”

“Come on, already!”

“Feck!”

“When love is unrequieted, one must remake oneself to recover from demise.”

“I’m still working on reconnecting with my body, but it seems that I am pulling in mass in exchange from wherever those parts of me bamfed off into.”

She has the audacity
To keep enduring

But trialed struggles
Keep burdening

By similar cycles
A life churning

Desperate to stop
Whirlwinds spinning

Her like a top
Until she drops

Disheartened
Full stop

“Because the rest of the alphabet imploded.”

“I remember asking to be helped, to be set free – and got disrupted, spaces propelled from my body into another parallel unuverse.

I keep trying to call them back to me, but they are stuck – and trying to keep going forward brings pain and gasping without their being retrieved.

Tensing, I can’t help but keep cycling between attempting to rest and renewed struggling.

Am I supposed to just lean back and let arms wrap around me from where my pieces have gone to?

If I cannot call them back, maybe they will claim me – and pull me into where they’ve been propelled to.

Maybe there could be a better life for me.

I keep feeling something, somewhere calling…”

Although people might gravitate
To cheer and speaking candidly

Our deep ingrained protections can
Lock down hard on the hind brain

One minute making progress then
The next turned tail and fleeing

We’ve only learned so much ’til now
And trust is still quite fleeting

“It often seems I do not fit with mainstream common vibing.

On individual paths is where the best are sure to find me.”

“For having and voicing needs.”

“Choosing any course of action requires tasks of followthrough, and I find that certain modes conscript central aspects of my core personality that are just too darn tired of getting pushed around and forced into workhorse drudgery.”

‘Seems to constantly engage.”

“You’ve got to love yourself before you can love someone else.

But when you’ve already been doing so, this phrase is just a cop out.

There’s no real explanation why one continues to then be alone.

It’s just about making the best of it.”

“And I’m not sure what it’s going to take to feel right.”

“I keep dodging uppercuts – but it sucks when they’re swingin’!”

“The mask struggles to not come off as my mind works it loose – and the pathway from brain to mouth natural instinct instant response is still compromised.”

“Actually, none of this is pretty, nor funny, and just keeps tripping the cortisol.”

“A bill that had been granted a three week extension defaulted two weeks early, reactivating autowithdrawal without my permission, reoverdrafting my account – and now its and following overdraft charges for other normal small bills no longer covered by my before meager balance (sucked away by this bill) accumulate.

Weeeeee!”

“It shouldn’t be this difficult to get the banks working smoothly.”

“Sometimes, it’s just too much to try to overcome.”

Mischief managed for the moment!

“Maybe if I didn’t try to keep growing and doing things, the disrupting chaos would not find me.

But, somehow, I find this unlikely.”

Things I must do
Vs.
Things I want to do

“As one account is borked, and others are blocked, emergencies blare as hit deadlines.”

The nice, empty quiet of solitude, sucking at senses for attention while trying to be productive.

“How I think rest will ease the pain, when all it does is clear fuzz from my brain and make acute awareness even greater.”

“What the -?!”

“Having the bank accounts seized by factors beyond my control magnitudinally increases the difficulty of managing.”

“It takes awhile, and I wonder if it will come – but then alignment pulls me forward from my bed.”

“I couldn’t have handled the upcoming week had I not given myself space – but the adrenal cortisol sudden hits now are more than I can take!”