Category: Altered States

“I filled your life with madness. Playing phone recordings over and over. Seeking the thrills. The extra relationships. The secret appointments. None of this that you knew, while you kept showing up trying to be here for me.”

He gestured to the bedroom where they could sit more comfortably. How she just wanted – needed him to get to the punchline. Being quiet so that he could get it all out and she would finally hear the truth was agonizing.

She felt pretty sure where his confession was leading. She had felt his distance, avoidance, and rejection of her all these years – but had also known that he needed what she had been providing.

Other people would have left him to himself to sort out the mess of his life out on his own.

She wasn’t “other people.” She was the exception.

And she had wanted to provide him with better options – even though hanging onto him in the hopes he would return to who he had been had been a huge expenditure in unreturned love, time, and constricted living.

You do this for a loved one who is hurt and damaged if you truly care. You create an environment within which hopefully they can repair.

But this can put you in the position of being projected upon as a caregiver, an authority figure – someone that is resented when dealimg with a mind almost completely broken.

The once vast inner strength she had poured out to stay here for him for so long was dwindling. The denied deficit within her was screaming as she felt with almost certainty that someone else had won him.

But she was expected to listen. He needed this confession for his own resolution.

She had become a martyr against her best intentions. The scenario had been a setup to crucify her from the start.

Sometimes love is not returned nor redeemed when you have worked so hard to earn and deserve it.

The gift of love’s clemency is a mysterious art.

January 20, 2023

Bowing only to one who is worthy.

Investing in more school.and workshop training, diverting limited funds for rent, in the hope that I can return to work sooner and replenish these funds – despite injuries.

Something that slides so easily in, could slide so easily back out.

Why want something that is “impractical?”

And yet, these have often been my pursuits.

Can be stark, and exhausting.

Perched

Sensing

Analyzing

I had to stop myself from trying to conform to another system’s track.

I had wanted to lean out in sculpting my muscles, but my body says it is built to be a warrior!

As of today, I am dropping any classes that have enforced timeline structure – except for upcoming training workshops.

I think I could hold it…with the right person of a certain “mind.”

Be receptive, responsive, and in the moment.

Maybe it was true that her life’s track just kept encountering the dead end culdesacs in other people’s realities.

But then, how could she reposition herself better to converge where life paths were flowing?

Embracing life, love, and commitment.

We had to help our tiger transition to the other side.

No, da** it – NO!

You know, it isn’t my job to decipher.

It is my job to seek and find congruency.

Sweet music comes to greet,
Coaxing souls into opening –

Only to find reality barren
Before dancing could begin.

“Lo!  For I’ve seen the lies woven, though designed to conceal! Get thee away from my divine intentions in your insidious transgressions designed to corrupt innocence and propagate entropy!”

Just because innocence prefers to not attack does not mean that it is incapable, when cornered.

“Oh baby, you know how it is…

You’re either predatory like us, staying on top to win – or meat turned into fodder.

Which side do you think will win…?”

If certain attractions inevitably lead to certain outcomes, maybe I could learn to struggle less and just enjoy the ride.

Traveling through others’ paradigms.

Somebody, somewhere, has already said it all, before.

“I won’t ask for what you will not give.

And I won’t give what I cannot receive.”

Based upon truth – glorious.

Built upon lies – insidious.

Nothing is as it seems.

There is no victory.

Apparently, non-committal is still the rage.

Lockdown

I still shoulder and brave the world on my own.

Why?

Why am I like this?

Because if I gave away certain values, I could never atone…