Category: Altered States

“I’ve always had to expand my internal horizons in the absence of congruent external realities.”

Remaining moments to let our royala roam the garden.

Our queen got hurt last night, her belly so swollen and bulging…

And our ranger won’t stop rubbing her bleeding jaw injury!

I’ve been run over.

She didn’t cry until it was safe to let down her hair.

Our tiger went first
He was the oldest
God, I miss him

Now the two girls
Sisters in spirit
Soon traveling

And the wolf is
Loosing sight
Though fiesty

Two fish gone
With only one
Flaring proudly

Our numbers
Diminishing =
Accomplished?

Lives cared for –
But were they
Truly happy?

The “reward” is
Freedom from
Responsibility

Talk about
Heart-wrench
Loss reality!

Taking the queen and ranger to the vet this morning, they both were up to their prior usual antics.

Our queen climbed onto the couch and tried to eat fake grass, and our ranger kept ranging all over up and down – including both trying and succeeding at easing onto my shoulders while I was sitting.

Then, our queen settled onto my lap and our ranger came and went as they both received cuddles, head-boop-groomed each other in gentle affection, and absorbed my carresses while stretching into gentle spine-flex rubs.

For once, we were there as a happy family.

Yes, the three of us are each falling apart in various stages – but we’ve belonged together.

Unified.

And I realized that this moment – for such rare moments as these – is what all of the struggle to keep them some version of healthy and alive has been all about.

Pure caring.

Sparks of joy

Love.

Eh…it’s definitely an issue – but highly overrated!

(“Middle fingers in the air” – Missio song ref)

Thus, our pack went for a walk today with the neighbor: humans, canines, and a kitty.

Despite my own reinjuries, in times of distressed desperation, sometimes I just shove back at the barriers.

Bodies breaking down is not an easy thing to manage nor witness in a caretaking position for a healer whose job it is to restore health and fitness.

For so long, it was about ensuring the safety and continued well-being of everybody as children grew.

Now, children have flown – as they should – and the older animals are expiring.

And the wolf howls out in a prolonged howl for the first time that I ever remember, as if she is being stabbed painfully – thus ushering forth another ER vet visit.

Belief in a future.

Scissors too dull to cut thin plastic.

Can openers that do not consistently puncture to remove tin lid.

Blenders with spouts that cause liquid being poured out to goop-stream down outside of the blender container.

He would have been 93.

His wife took care of everything.

I wonder…

Did she get back what she had given?

Even half as much to make her life with him worth living?

Or was she just defaulted into old roles expected where emptiness is payment’s currency?

Do we all break down into primordial ooze when hurt, afraid, and alone?

Will I bounce back, or is this the end?

I can’t tell which way is up, anymore.

Maybe it’s down.

I fell yesterday.

A distant relative died today.

The wolf is being pushy while my back spasms.

I want to learn, but I don’t want the pressure of timelines.

Feeling space around me is necessary.

I do not know what I am
Capable of anymore…
I just keep trying.

I don’t “do” drugs or alcohol.

I regret tossing the shoes with the hole – oh, how I regret it!

They fit me so well and kept me balanced with smooth transitioning stability poised directly under me.

Keds, sweet Keds…

Gone – all gone!

The replacement shoe pair that I found are hard-sole-lifted under feet, making it painful for weight-bearing philanges to shift over as if clamboring and causing deep stress to torn attachments around hips from stalted movement ambulating.

And the other pair of shoes that are softer but sunk down and too long that I hadn’t worn since before the accident wrenched my leg struts and surprisingly shifted balance off, causing sense of as if I’m about to blackout and hindbrain dizziness!

Countering effects of indoctrinated  brainwashing by repeating visually externally the truth of self which has become difficult to see and reestablish internally.

I finally got the fireplace restarted!

“I have been paying for trauma put onto men from other people since the day I was born!”

We are taught to be as puppets and to let others pull our strings, dictate how our strings shall be pulled, and to dance to these janky rhythms with distort our truths and leave us discarded on a shelf when “masters” are done “playing.”

Well, if we are not loved for doing these things we were told that we would be loved for, maybe we should all just cut our strings.

(Title reference to the story of “Pinocchio”)

Having turned to face the danger and ward it off with her sword arm, the car’s impact compressed her right chest into her left side, causing her heart to swell under the extra pressure and need to be protected by her injured shield arm – much like the state in which unfair relationships with men kept leaving her.

“As some animals have developed heart failure, liver cancer, and now possibly mouth cancer, I must at least say to myself that these are indicators that I succeeded at providing quality longevity of life for them – although it does not make sense to me that achievement means death by old age diseases, because it would feel more right if youthful health were further prolonged.”

Unfortunately, Faith requires belief when it is difficult to see or feel tangibles.

There is no real reassurance except shifting one’s self into pushing aside lockdown fear while doing whatever one can to get to show up for those miracles.

Even if that means only being able to do one thing per day.

Because once one gets the momentum going to do that one thing, just in passing one might be able to accomplish a few more other vital things.

And before one knows it, many hurtles have been overcome which seemed impossible or, at least, improbable.

The road isn’t easy, though.

One from many.

Within every confining difficulty, wiggle around to make more space and gain better traction.

Scrolling through new music, she hit play on a new video and soon froze in her tracks on the elliptical machine.

The lyrics were singing about something intimate that she had recently shared in confidence with someone else locally.

And her name was being called out over and over again in the musical overlay.

A feverish reaction took over her brain and her body broke out into a deeper sweat, as if the singer had been speaking directly to her.

What was happening here?!

What the heck could this mean?!

Her resistance suddenly pushed over the edge of its limits, she began making immediate, drastic life changes.