Category: Male Bonding

She could not remember
What she had said to him

Only that she had extended
What she thought obviously

To the point and deserved
By his art and heard heart

But he had seen right through
The mask she’d tried to present

In her efforts to support him
While not giving herself away

Every man that she had cared for in this life had turned love’s promise into a tease, a taunt, and a game of withdrawal’s withholding – resulting in her vulnerability’s eventual abandonment.

Whether close in person or half of a world away, they worshipped the chasm of distance to keep from expressing and experiencing her love’s healing, magical, and reinvigorating art.

Oh, they said they wanted it – sure….

But this was just to keep her giving them good attention while they left her hanging.

The worst part of this was that her heart, mind, and soul had been openly honest – but then were starved and whipped into a frenzy while she kept holding space for them, extending kindness and patience.

Eventually, she had to learn to protect herself from further injury, since not one would actually step up to claim her love and care for her, in return.

She’d had to close each door and exert her own resistance through distance.

But living without love had never been a good reason for any season in her belief system.

It created the feeling of living in barren wastelands.

She was in a grocery isle, looking at garbage bags and cleaning supplies – of all things – and saw hum coming from her left.

Sunglasses still on to mitigate the bright overhead lights, she angled her stance more toward him and hazedly watched him approach, expecting him to turn and walk the other way.

But he kept coming, slowly, and was watching her carefully but directly.

Every step brought his visage more clearly into view as her mind scanned for attributes that would confirm his identity correctly.

Then he stopped right there, right next to her, not looking away – just as she held herself there, though swaying a bit from not automatically bolting away, herself.

He was ready?

They were ready.

To be real….

To figure out how to explain and discuss everything.

They were ready to face fears, together, with trembling relief.

—-

(This morning’s last dream before waking)

“You might be a pain in the butt,” she asserted, “but you’re my pain in the butt.”

And then, she hugged him.

—

(Title of multiple meanings)

He said out loud to no one in particular.

“She loves me…”

Drive her this crazy must mean that she cared for and loved him deeply.

She visualized turning him around, smacking his butt, and sending him on his way with a “Come back when you’re ready to really play.”

“Heartache from being teased, then denied.”

He was enchanted by the fact that his actions affected her because she cared so much – while he seemed oblivious to the blatant obviousness of how his withdrawals cut her open, spilling her precious heart’s blood, again.

She quirked a playful eyebrow at him briefly and asked, “So you wanna do this with me?”

“Which version have you liked best so far?” he asked her.

She leaned in closer so that only he could hear her…”I’ll let you know when it’s just you and me.”

How alike they were in core modes where it mattered.

Could it be trusted?

They both stood at opposite ends on cliff edges to either side of The Great Divide – yearning, but still unable to see each other clearly.

Wondering…

Hoping…

Praying…

She wasn’t looking for him anymore
In fact – she did not expect anything

She was so used to silence meaning
Nothing was willing or waiting at all

That she had to try to not shut down
The parts that still wanted to believe

Why would she work with distance temporarily with one man, but not with the one before?

Because she sensed that this one was authentic and actually needed some investment.

When she gave to him, it was with joy
After so long waiting for the sun’s rise

Only to find that he’d snuck another
Despoiling the sanctity of her fidelity

Two can play at it
But I don’t want to

Trying to build a home on scaffolding
Puts too much pressure on the beams

—

(Title of multiple meanings)

She’d liked keeping up with his trends
They gave her chances to explore flex

But he’d resented her mirroring
As he strove for his own identity

He’d liked parts
But not all of her

There were no second chances
Or room for evolution dynamics

She’d learned to fear…

She wondered if he’d felt inadequate
Because she was built for capacities

I’ve observed resentment grow
When as a couple shared space

The moment two became one
Identities were shed to censure

Is a solution to have own rooms
Taking turns where share desires

As interfacing finds its
Compliment organically?

My limbs hurt so bad
In any position that I

Doubt the possibility of
Ever sharing a bed again

—

(Title of multiple meanings)

“I won’t put you through that again,” as he took her hand and gave her full eye contact in his sincerity.

“I promise to keep growing and comprehend…

You’ll never have to be alone, agaun.”

—

(Title of multiple meanings)

She had needed to be sure

She was not just going to
Have a hot tryst with him

No matter who he was
And regardless of how

Important he was to her

“How could he be there for everyone else, but not for me?

I don’t even really need to care, anymore.

I just don’t understand why I was branded negatable.

And maybe, it is better if I just avoid that whole thing.”