Category: Psychology

I’m not getting much chance to experience it.

I am confused as to what I should be becoming – if indeed, I should be becoming something other than what I already am.

I am afraid to plant seeds in the ground.

Yesterday, someone brought up this subject with regards to our internal dialogue paradigms.

In the realm of negative self talk, for example, etc.

I don’t have this issue in the normal assumed way, but I do deal with a lot of internal jag regarding past received negative messaging that I am constantly deflecting.

There is actual injury, and then there are feelings and assumptions tangled up in the processing of it.

Finding out ways to clear the jumble can help decrease one’s perception of suffering.

This seems something worth looking into.

By the time I was a teenager, I had been bullied, and ostracized, and beaten upon, and criticized – all without provocation on my behalf.

So as I found myself head held naturally higher than kids my age would dare, I realized I might as well be regal – for that was my nature, anyway.

And how would that change how I had already been targeted?

My sense of injustice was front, center, and self-defending when I heard the new bill payment manager tell me that they were not going to honor the already twice-promised reinstatement fee waiver, which I’d been waiting for several weeks to have applied.

The force of my instantly outraged reaction called her out for her phrasing of “we need to compromise, so I can only credit you half the amount” and “we don’t want to encourage repeat offenders” – which basically changed the rules as well as accused and insulted.

Yet after I emoted, I started laughing and apologizing.

She was such a champ in her response by holding firm through the righteous storm my emotional allies had thrown at her, and I was surprised that I was able to call these forces back into my command and turn our interaction into sunnier weather.

She said that she would speak to her supervisor, and I said that for her stalwart professionalism, I would stay on the line and give her a good rating.

She called me back soon and told me that I had been granted the full fee reversal!

I do not want to be something I am not, unless it is who I truly and happily can be.

My internal day-use battery seems to not reboot quickly to the extent that after I have pleasantly spoken at length with prospective buyers while out in the elements, I find myself privately lapsing into quick frustration with cussing aa dealing with gatekeeping store answering systems.

Maybe it isn’t just one part or another that makes our hodgepodge of bits attractive – but rather, the combination that imbues a certain nuanced enhancement.

I am at the apex of continuum when find myself working, down in the ditches.

For the last two weeks, between taxes and prepping my youngest’s car for sale so that they can at last get an automatic, my being has been conscripted to addressing what is right in front of me to help stabilize and boost my family – rather than focusing upon the love that I have for music.

This exemplifies that when my family needs me to produce as our finances go into the red zone, the warrior within pours all efforts into these efforts succeeding and my mind cuts off from more gentle, inner creative development.

I know that “times are slim” when I find myself checking the one pair of jeans that I always wear to make sure there are still no worn through, unseemly thinned patches in them on my way to interact with the public.

I am capable of a great many things.

But I need to focus on smaller groupings.

I do not yet know
How far I can advance
But I keep pushing my limits.

For the most part, I keep close friends at a distance because I cannot control their variables – which can affect me too easily.

After the explosion with extensive fallout and negating, suppressive messaging, it never felt safe to tell her mother when later traumas were happening.

Too many things add up to the suppressed traumatic event havimg actually happened.

Between exhaustion and limitation, it is hard for me to attach to desired outcome.

As I manage intention with what fettered will I can muster, diverting focus to anything outside essential priorities is not an option.

Having  more accurately identified the past’s  largest trauma event during early childhood development and giving it all back to those who should have been held responsible and accountable, memories of simple happiness with grandma and grandpa begin to return to conscious awareness, unfettered.

When one is in a state, whether emotionally or energeticly, a key to recentering can be to first meet the self at that intensified level productively.

Once acknowledged and expressed, then one’s being can more easily shift into more balanced levels.

The patterned arc’s projection places me midway to completion, where the battle is in full swing over what influences shall dominate my reasoning.

Meanwhile, I must reach for next stages of prospective internship and grants despite insecurities.

I must lay the groundwork for transition long before I’ve acquired capabilities.