Creates an inflexible intolerance of outside influences attempting to manipulate my decisions.
Category: Psychology
Indoctrinatiom
We are taught that if we reach for more, we will be punished.
From personal experience, I wish I could say this wasn’t true.
All I can say is keep believing in You.
(A Symptom Of Being Human – Shinedown)
Spell Of An Age
After letting the dogs out, I shuffle into the bathroom to face what the night has done to me while sleeping.
Waiting until I finish brushing my teeth, I daringly look up and chuckle ruefully -” Ah, this is what I begin with today!” as I give myself a knowing look of enduring.
I begin to realize that it’s not about me and any perceived “flaws” or “failures.”
It’s that the energies often around me keep beating upon my fortitude, plying their wiles as attempting to reshape the face looking back at me.
Analysis
Ever since he announced his girlfriend, if I dream of them both in my vicinity where we are interacting, my clothes suddenly disappear.
And in both cases, whether it was creating art or obtaining replacement apparel, I avert my own attempts to compete.
I can only win in my life by just being me.
Birthday Dreams
Shoved too close to him and his girlfriend, I found myself in his car with them.
I was in the passenger seat and she was on the center console, legs across his lap and arm wrapped around his neck while she ever cozied into him.
As streams of never ceasing “I am so great at everything I do, don’t you agree Honey? – and so are you!” poured from her mouth enspelling him, I suddenly found that my clothes were completley gone in the bright daylight, yet luckily found part of a sheet from the car floor in front of me to drag up over my voluptuous naketude.
Embarrased does not quite describe the feeling – and I could not afford to dub it mortification.
Once we parked, I carefully got out and walked carefully backward away from them with the sheet still held in front of me until I reached a nearby bathroom and could change into a lightweight one piece jumper.
As I emerged, it became clear that many men and women were using these back rooms for sexual hookups – and I was relieved and surprised to find him at the front of the building, waiting for me at the entrance to a huge video arcade.
His girlfriend had already gone inside, I assumed, and he stood tbere smiling at me.
Until now, I couldn’t figure out why or how I was dreaming of him because the dream had come without my asking, and he was so real here right in front of me.
As he then went to go purchase us tokens, I realized his being there was a birthday gift to me.
Something Difficult
After I have pushed myself to break past internal barriers, I have a hard time accepting that I need rest for rebooting.
Come On
Much of my life seems a continuum of pain, pressure, and pushing forward against odds.
Reaching For The Stars
I can’t stop reaching for that next hand and foothold – or even dragging my body forward when I can no longer climb or walk.
Out Of Body Experience
I try to be present in my body and reclaim internal territory that I have lost.
But it is hard to gain a center amongst so much nerve pain and structural injury.
(Joy – For King + Country)
Dear Alex,
I keep maneuvering to stay within the eye of the storm, but it is difficult to not fear the destructive power raging all around me.
Justice
Sometimes, no matter how much it is greatly needed or wanted, it is better to just even the playing field and restart toward better horizons.
Dear Alex,
I am confused regarding how to manage my situation.
I can’t discern clearly which priorities to focus upon.
They say “look within for the answers,” but I am too bogged down internally.
Or “give it over to a higher power,” but there is not one that I trust implicitly.
I have an external support team, but each person helps with only a fragment of my “dilemma.”
Ultimately, I am the center; the designer; the full weight-bearer.
I am also being argued with where it is not helpful, which is agitating.
Meanwhile, the disruption of the accident has caught up with me regarding finances.
I have been addressing this by staggering bills, but it feels like my grip is slipping – which has been causing me to panic.
While the insurance companies pressure me in attempts to prematurely discontinue responsibility, I also feel my own instincts trying to ramp me back up into going out to make my own money.
This is how I have primarily functioned until the accident: adrenaline bursts into intensive activity, spurring innovation for my family’s continued survival.
But I can’t currently perform in this way in order to overcome the challenges that I am facing.
My mind and body are unable to comply performance-wise – though spirit is struggling to keep willing.
These “multi-verse” pressures are jumbling up my instinctive impulses and skewing abilities to focus on what I can attend to right now.
Time is running out for my somehow being ready for launching into a new career by end of summer, if not forced to do so sooner.
I had hoped to use this recovery time to also finish my script and Bachelor’s degree while proceeding with the career retraining I am already halfway through.
But external resistances have been countering my worthy attempts.
And survivalism again conscripts.
(Easy – Seinabo Sey)
“Stumped”
Discouraged and “down in the dumps,” I’d say…
Flagger-tee-lee!
If I stopped moving long enough and really took stock of my losses, at this point I would just lay down and stop trying.
Dropped Like A Stone
Somewhere in my support chain, something behind the scenes was not done in time to secure the one credit full session course I petitioned for in order to make progress toward completing my Bachelor’s degree.
Unparalelled
I am beginning to work directly on my injured nec, spine , and leg regions.
Incident On Walnut Sreet
This time, we will not run.
This time, we’ll fight the lion.
Self Determination
Repetition is key to overcoming obstacles while climbing.
Be assured that there will be slides and lost ground in attempting to make progress
But only by persevering will these all eventually be overcome.
Keening
I feel it and sense that part of me, gibbering and wailing in my mind at how the accident has bumped me into the ranks of disability.
Mature And Sassy
As I walk down the hall to bed, carrying a rare 2:30 am snack of spaghetti and the dogs come join me as I’m calling them, I think to myself that I am entering a new life stage cliche.
And in just a few days, I will turn fifty-three.
Tangental Thinking
The psychological evaluator suggested after four hours of testing that perhaps, as apparently many females in our society, I had gone through life undiagnosed with ADHD.
I pose an alternative theory: that the mind learns to diverge around repeated traumatic physical and mental-emotional injury for survival of its host body, and alternative preservation of its soul’s integrity.
Mixed Messages
The accident made it impossible to continue im my healing career (at least temporarily) and forced my hand in reaching for my next level of ascension.
But there has been great cost to my body’s well being in pain and damage, which leaves me feelimg as if I have been back-handed and reprimanded.
A Place To Brace
Writing the thematics of each days accomplishments causes me to push farther the next day – instead of floundering in overwhelms’s quagmire.
Jitters
I had known that my spine was greatly compromised by the accident, but even so, seeing visual confirmation along with evidence of at-that-time spinal chord compression is distressing.
At least I can see that my reactivation efforts have preserved the disk spacing, and that my spinal chord is repairing.
High Achiever
I am now noting project tasks I complete throughout the day to give myself credit, back off internal hyperdrive pressure, and give myself permission to take breaks.
Here, Now
As the effects of concussion flared their sway upon her brain’s processing capabilities in its next stages of recalibration, she experienced bouts of panic as distortion coated perceptions.
Messaging
She might get love if she:
Was silently vacant
Didn’t ask questions
Accepted evasion
Endured derision
Waited neglected
Allowed projection
Yielded position
Permitted pain
Quietly reflected
Dissociated
Creatives
They say we are wrong for daring to dream the impossible…
Rallying
To counter the disruptive effects of the accident, I immediately lept back into school, hoping to pull myself forward into a self healing paradigm.
Ghosts In The Machine
Re-exploring exercises I used to do years ago in hopes that my body will remember and reboot to how its muscles and nerves used to function…
The only drawback is revisiting prior associations.
Gym Time
Allows me to embrace the Primal Feminine.
Trust
I thought that I could, but have been stripped too raw and pushed so hard that I only can at distance.
Playful Harassment
As my wolf comes in the door, she firmly boops my thigh with her nose while pausimg to let me know that the deal for her reentry is a biscuit.
So I grab her fluffy tail and give it a little pull-tug to keep her hind end moving – and remind her that I’ll do it when I’m ready!
Redemption
It is easiee to overcome challenges if one has a grip on their own sense of purpose.
Dreaming Of Belief
To have fulfilling partnership
With shared goals and vision…
I was drawn into a day’s event
Where a man swam in the sea
A type of relay between posts
Under time’s pressure-tasking
And with my support he won!
Then invested in a youth team
Inviting me and my youngling
To help them all flourish in LA
Which was important, exciting
Comraderie to which I agreed.
The point being I was wanted,
Appreciated, and esteemed in
Enthusiastically co-leading
Success as part of a team.
Trust
It must be extended mutually between parties wishing to bridge to congruent understanding, yet should be balanced with good boundaries and diligent discernation.
Inclusive Jurisprudence
Governance and/or guidance which takes into consideration an individual’s, culture’s, or species’ set of its own defined values in order that all parties involved in a given situation and/or action may benefit.
Patterns
Recognizing inherency
Within behavior coding
By observing external
While intuiting internal
Feedback systems’
Primary algorithms.
For The First Time
After a very long time of vigilant service, I am finally able to focus more upon my own needs.
I Don’t Know How
I will accomplish what I plan to do.
The Break Down
Maintaining some form of control in my life’s activities has been ever necessary.
But in order to become something more than before, deconstruction’s meltdown is necessary.
Trajectories
How do I become more dynamic and expansive in flights while ensuring my loved ones flourish?
Type
Creative and unavailable.
Right Down The Line
Sometimes it feels strange, playing this role of an injured person on the road to healing recovery.
I must make the person I am become real, as Pinoccio, himself, went from wooden to human.
In The Trenches
We fight back a lot of insecurities.
Grounded
A bird unable to use her wings properly is a sad thing. Thank goodness for technology!
Explorations: The Polyvagal Theory
The polyvagal theory proposes that the evolution of the mammalian autonomic nervous system provides the neurophysiological substrates for adaptive behavioral strategies. It further proposes that physiological state limits the range of behavior and psychological experience.
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