Category: Psychology

It had happened again, this feeling of half-lidded shutters enveloping the upper part of her brain.

Was it dopamine flooding? Or pure associative memory sparking arcs?

Drunk on a walking hallucination, imagination’s entrancement ached to let her break wild.

I remember the song, “Down On The Corner” by Creedence Clearwater Revival, as one of the compositions explored in a music class that I had in elementary school.

I was so excited to have the highly emotionally intelligent female instructor deconstruct it for us and give us parts, as I thought that at last I had found a suitable mentor.

And then I was extremely crushed when she looked at me and wrongly assessed that I had no talent because I did not come pre-packaged and pre-approved as a child from a rich family.

Perhaps the mental blocks I have experienced in my life are not from some undiagnosed clinical mental retardation condition, afterall – as had been repeatedly asserted by “adults” and “peers” alike throughout my formative years.

“You’re just stupid, Athena. Not worth our time.”

Perhaps it is just remnant sludge-programming from all of those who pushed and shoved at me as they jostled for societal status while vying for their own worth-proving.

“If you crush others on your way to the top, then you have less competition to get there” – right?

I also remember the profile photographer in elementary school, and then later, the orthodontist in middle school in an entirely different part of the state both telling me with judgemental disgust that my face was flat.

As if this was a flaw and hideous.

Note that an owl’s face is shaped similarly to fascilitate its ability to gather sensorial data.

And, the goddess Athena’s totem is an owl, so I am proud of having both her name and her totem’s abilities to degrees.

Self-preservation by self-protection in pushing away while scoffing to create distance.

I will go lift my arms high to fashion the netting enclosure over the cattery, and pull around heavy soil pots to rearrange my garden.

If I am going to hurt – let it be for good reason!

(And then I will stretch-repair in the gym – Ha!)

Waking up this morning feeling emotionally flat and tired – just too heavy in spirit – was not my ideal way of greeting the New Year.

Likely due to nerve pinching and compression (possibly also after-effects of impact concussion now entering phase of brain disruption’s recallibrating), I am way too sensitive to opposites and opposition being today’s thematics.

The stack of unappealing paperwork looms for this first week of New Year’s ushering.

No amount of benefit promised on the tail end can coax me forward to begin it.

My diet is also disrupted due to prepping for more upcoming procedures.

And meanwhile, my hound has increased bombarding me with psychic disatisfaction as she hunkers and cowers because she knows she is being naughty for trying to manipulate me.

She has increased this mostly when I am food prepping. If she had an endurant delectable to chew, she would be distracted.

But she too quickly blows through everything food-based with an expectant attitude of “keep it coming,” and a meaty bone would get grease all over the carpet.

She is resisting our usual understanding and trying to push me to point of negative attention.

But, I do not want her to be the catalyst to my exploding, which would just reinforce her behavior and make me feel worse.

I am not ok right now.

I need reassurances, not incessant overstimming – especially with extreme groveling because she wants to show her submission while leveraging.

Her bahavior is giving me a complex like I’m an evil overlord denying her – and extremely vexes.

Feck.

Is this succumbing to depression?

To be just so drained from managing pain that I don’t want to deal with certain things, anymore?

I do not like playing the game Chess because someone must alwats be vanquished.

While they were eating and talking, he gave her a sideways look which was not consistent with the conversation.

Had she not been mindful of her own behavioral interaction, it seemed designed to have gotten in under her boundaries and elicit a subconscious reaction.

She reigned herself back from responding, and from that moment, the rest of their conversation tapered off as if the script was ending.

What I want to know is would I self-regulate in an intimate, bonded relationship if given the right amount of love and nurturing.

I know that I have tried and self-sustained for “eons” – twice – but that now I have a “complex of love starvation” because in the end, I was judged to be “too needy.”

This conclusion is not the result of accurate data, but rather from interacting with partners who did not have their own internal issues managed – nor were they actively working upon them in relationship.

Listen.

When any two people come together and get close beyond the usual boundaries, I must burst the “illusion bubble of perfection” to say that, “Hey! Issues will come up and projections upon one another are going to happen!”

Like it or not, we are hardwired as a species to need and affect one another.

And we instinctively seek healing within the succor of each other’s company.

Yes, we can do a ton of work on ourselves and make progress.

But the result of these efforts can immediately become challenged and “destabilized” once we reenter into intimacy with another human being, unless the reality of our nature is mutually and openly acknowledged.

Which is why we have to put the work into ourselves and each other while in relationship by proactively addressing and cleaning up the scenes left by previous negative interactions.

We need to reassess our internal paradigms and agree on points for proceeding in order to best sync up together.

That being said, let’s pose a scenario:

I have sustained a blood blister on my inner right forefinger from the twice “mean pinching” of tweezers inadvertently grabbing my skin while I squeezed them closed in tightening loosened nuts that were destabilizing my chair’s legs.

It was shocking and hurt very much at the time when I got pinched once – then twice- which could have been an opportunity for a partner’s compassion.

Say my guy gives me loving attention by empathizing, kissing my finger, making a light joke to get me laughing, and then we have a little snuggle.

(Hey, it’s my fantasy – so let me embellish and enjoy it a moment ;D)

I feel better, and he gets to be the hero.

But the next time something like this happens, will I ache inside if he does not address it the same way? Even worse, will I eventually become angry if lack of response to similar situations continues?

(Here is where open communication about each partner’s “love language” is handy so that “hopes and expectations” can be agreed upon to bridge by representation of some commonality.)

I know I need love and attention, having been the giver and way less often the receiver.

Most importantly, if I was in a truly nourishing relationship, would it be filled with similar responses of care and consideration as to allow me at some point to feel “love fed” and cherished so that “always” and “never” were no longer words that even need be considered?

The dreams could have been, “Hey! Here’s this great peer who you could possibly relate to and collaborate with!”

And I could have been content to have proper distance perspective.

But, Noooooo.

They had to tell me that he was interested in dating me. In fact, that he loved me!

I do not luke being love attached to someone who is not available!

There’s wanting something, pursuing it – and then, actually getting it.

When intelligence is stripped of its power to self govern and driven into relegated corners, it is all one can do to not retaliate – and to keep uncovering sanity that gets hidden by the madness.