Category: Stream of Thought

If you don’t bring the banana, you will want the banana.

But,

If you bring it, you won’t eat it – and it will smell up the car.

How many people have gotten drawn into the world of loving you? Yet, not many have been worthy…

I wanted to take the dogs with me today, but then this would open chaos when I need to stay focused and make it on time to appointments.

Plus, I would need to seek parking in the shade and having “the children” with me is like managing a parade while keeping them fed and watered.

I must remind myself that they are fine, though, with the stay-at-home routines, and not bringing them lightens my load for everything.

I am still realizing how grueling it had been for me that for the last year and a half I had to always control their behaviors to keep housing.

It takes a while for a man to mature – but then again, this is similar for a woman.

My body tells me it is days, weeks, and years past my bed time. Someday, maybe, rejuvenation will catch up with me.

I feel like my days just roll into each other, one after another, without stop or rest as I am put to the test.

It is like training one’s psychology to accept something new and learning to flex so one can overcome past associative hurdles, as well as be able to expand into new frontiers.

But, how does one receive reassurance that new trust is reliable before and while time’s experience proves it is viable?

There needs to be inclusive communication.

Being unloved within a relationship is ten times worse than being alone without a relationship.

I just wish that on this side of things, I could actually feel relief.

I think the chemicals in the bath tub plastic have been making me swell.

(Title of multiple meanings)

Sticky.

It’s so damn sticky.

Go ahead.

Give me a purgative.

It would be a relief to rid myself of it!

“Do not tell me what or how to think and believe – unless you intend to prove to me something different than what I have experienced, and that I, too, can be blessed to be Human.”

I tried, Lord.

You saw me reach.

I ripped open the veil and awoke.

But, he kept going…

And others interfered with the deer.

Then, they blamed him for being the one who slew.

He was Good – had done no wrong.

And all I could do was “see” when it was happening.

I was prevented from saving him.

I could only preserve and nourish the remnants.

Needs and desires promised by birth to be fulfilled ache all the more to be fed and quenched when delayed and denied.

Hostility towards compulsion.

Finding that I am hitting blocks in my ability to flex both emotionally and physically, I must seek new methods and supports to overcome my newly found insecurities.

Being aware enough to know that one still has so much to learn.

When one thinks their capabilities might not be enough, self doubt can wrap around their ankles, slowing and tripping their efforts.

I tend to triangulate before committing to certain situations.

Finding ways to heal by simplifying yet amplifying where one can gain ground is challenging.

We pretend we are certain ways to emulate certain ideals and to gain approval.

Whether the approval must come from within or the external is a focal point with which we struggle.

When I went back to retrieve my dragon from its hibernation on the mountainside, I checked inside the trailer home as my father requested to ensure it was ready for the new tenant.

To my sadness, I found one baby mouse, dead and dessicating, curled up alone in the emptied living room.

We had managed to save our family, but I had not been there to ensure its freedom from the bathroom sink pipeway’s ensured indoor captivity.

When you are or are becoming something, it is hard to qualify and quantify its value.

Will you love me then, for that brief moment, before you discard me because I am human again?

Whether or not one has in the past been a victim, if one’s nerves are being compressed and twisted longterm without relief, then a complex develops.

How the backwards impact from the horse accident torqued my neck forward created compresion adhesions along left anterior cervical spine.

This caused a crimp just where the vagus and diaghram are innervated (= stress flares, blood pressure elevations, and breath constriction) and is the focal point of inflammation and migraines.

As I witness another man choosing his mate for their youth and popularity, it is no wonder the demise of our society as the wise and mature are passed over.

The coin of positivity allows the situation of “relegated” to be flipped to the perception of “I get to,” thereby giving any thwarted desire or venture a new slant for accessing what is still given as “opportunity.”

However, the other side of the optimism coin is pessimism, and if it gets more and more difficult to have the kind of influence one needs to overturn that coin back to positive in their life, a third side of the coin appears, called bitterness.

This further complicates.

I can create something where before there was nothing.

By remaining distant, I retain my own authority.

Because they were creative and independent, I mistakenly assumed that they would be developed in emotional intelligence.

After receiving a massage, I need to workout in the gym to expand my muscles from within to better accept the changes and avoid curling up like a crab drawn into itself by tension – or like a chiton.

The “freeze” part of fight or flight can become so ingrained that attempting to move out if it becomes painful – like squeeze-sheering the body through sharded planes of granite.

Molestation was so prevalent in my childhood that of course it would seem to be that the cure would be from a true kiss with real promises.

No amount of therapy has dissipated the dark energy plaguing me. It has only dusted off the skeletons in the closet still laughing grimly.

I think I will name them Joe and Ned – there are more, of course, but less is better said.

Perhaps I will invite them to tea and ask them what they must say to me because they keep just hanging around with no ground to stand upon.

Meanwhile, I am stuck in partial sleep walking.

It was a joke on her. It had to be.

Why send dreams to attach her heart, causing her to ache to be with him?

Now every play of him reminds of his attachment to another.

It is suggested that a good way to “fill the void” while seeking one’s life companion is to have simple trysts.

Qua?

To engage in such absence of romance is the antithesis of my heart’s existence!

I use up what I have left daily, giving it away to others while healing.

All that is left in the evening through morning is my wreckage cast ashore by the sea.

I hate it.

Oh, yes – I am impatient.

Unschooled. Undisciplined. Rash. Defiant – I’ll lash out just to hear the powerful crash.

It’s the opposite of an amicable nature, turned inward and thwarted by youth.

I cannot compete with the world.

There is so much untapped talent brimming, surging against wave gates once strong and oppressive – but now bending.

How is anyone to hear me in the storm now pressing, soon coming?

I will stay small in my might, encapsulated as a pearl, ever shining – yet hiding within it a star which, when the time is right, will burst alight – having been carried to its rightful destination by the high tide.

“Everybody’s crazy ’bout a sharp dressed man,” sings ZZ Top to the accolades of listeners.

What stopped me from approaching the man on the motorcycle was my concern that there might only be his veneer.

In her mind, she was resilient and capable of transcending limitations.

But in her reality, she wondered if she had cognitive dissonance.

For she had no experience of her efforts being reflected positively in a partnership.

Turning inward to face it after trying to outpace it, I find that it is overwhelming to feel it all-encompassing.

When one has had it stripped from them, it is confusing as to whether or not one should seek to gain it back.

It is hilarious that I crave getting connected to a partner when I cannot afford basic necessities.

I think I need to shove the entire concept off of the table, sweep it onto a dust pan, and dump it!

I have begun looking for a kid cart or other trailer for my bicycle to tow my supplies to work.

It’s a likely inevitability that my blue dragon may break down before funds can gather to keep it flying.