Category: Stream of Thought

What can I offer in a relationship, anyway?

I mean, really?

People these days want to be “wowed” – as if we all have attention deficit.

And I must admit that after having been put through the grinder, I also want to enjoy life’s “kicks.”

Upon the first day after taking the first dose, my lungs are heavy and throat passageway feels constricted – which leads me to surmise that the mildew spores from the as-yet un-ozonated replacement car from the mountainside have been affecting.

Have Fun and Be Weird!

It could have been even yesterday morning or just the day before that I had noticed to myself my drawing books on the table were still unattended.

But I had thought to myself, “Well, I already have created a full schedule…”

And then right as my beginning acting class was ending, I happened upon the drawing event.

There were a model, refreshments, ambient lighting, music, chairs, paper on clip boards, and colored pencils.

Ready-made and easy to just slide right in to join.

So I did!

The super cool thing for me is that I have only taken one beginning drawing class – like back in 1998!

Yet, it is clear to me after trying my hand last night at a few subjects that I still have the spark of ability!

Since then, I have rarely tried to draw anything.

Did I file the appeal, the report, or check for winning numbers?

No.

Because I am focusing on being here, now.

(Title play with words.)

Sometimes, I’m just not going to do something I don’t want to do.

Was all that I had courage, hope, or energy for.

The inherent component.

I had to distance from a budding friendship today due to the fact that our age difference is twenty-four years (he’s the younger); I don’t feel on solid ground due to effects from my accident and very limited income; and that I need to focus upon finishing this music production training program while at last completing my Bachelor’s.

The combination of factors here includes an overload of prehistory in relationship losses and is akin to my needing to break a longstanding curse placed upon me.

I need to focus full attention on my goals to succeed, and thus must keep to my own path for a while.

It isn’t that I am incapable of working through relationship dynamics at the same time as working on other aspects of my life.

On the contrary, I can be a multi-managing wizard.

But, there is just too much combined in this given situation where a huge amount of the responsibility would weigh upon me – including if I were to proceed with the relationship, there would be further pressures from society.

And honestly, I just need things to be a little more stacked in my favor.

I am still grousing…

It’s one thing to have distance and observe something occurring –

Quite another to have the heart strings pulled and one’s face shoved in it!

12:13pm: “This number suggests that you and your partner are on the right path towards building a meaningful and fulfilling relationship, and that you are supported by the divine realm every step of the way.”

https://whateveryourdose.com/angel-number-1213/

verb

1. Totally bewildered or perplexed.

“an unexplained occurrence that baffled everyone”

2. Restrained or regulated (a fluid, sound, etc.).

“to baffle the noise further, I pad the gunwales”

Oxford Dictionary

What is it that younger men like about me?

Is it my upbeat, inclusive maturity?

Well, sh**!

My youth was spent caring for others’ disabilities and ailments, and now in my midlife prime, I am hobbling around like I’m eighty!

I better be spry in my nineties!

Strategizing to meet deadlines while hoping the funding will arrive to meet and get me there.

It is nice to be able to portion time for myself.

Paused in the parking lot after having eaten some lunch, she just sat quietly in the car’s capturing warming rays of the sun while she watched fluffy clouds pass by.

Before the accident, there was no time or space for me.

Every moment was garnered to giving away limited energy to others in order to ensure my family’s survival.

I felt like I was dying.

My life’s spark was diminishing, and my soul felt like it was withering.

I have this possibly only brief time now where I am unable to work in order to change everything.

No pressure.

If nothing can be said to be “original,” what I am in process of doing is deep creative meditation to access what I have already taken in, analyze what’s important to me, and present my versions.

When I happen across another’s art that I like, I try to compliment them to add encouragement.

But, for the most part, I do not reach outside of my own methods for inspiration so that I can feel genuinely authentic.

(Title play with words)

When I run short of funding, I look to see if there’s an item that I’ve been needing to return.

I just heard “Granite” on the radio.

Welcome to the Main Stream!

You all have worked hard for it!

“Be Worshipped.”

I was supposed to have wriiten down questions regarding who and what I was to become.

But once the accident happened, I began figuring it out and launched into a beelined trajectory.

The exciting morning finding of a wild black one peeking into ours from exploring the neighbor’s.

We have been taught to look for material manifestations, but I have always sought what resides within.

My worth is what I contain inside which imbues and seeks external expression.

I have needed a sense of it in the midst of all of this swirling chaos.

When they love, they love openly and without reserve the object of their affection and desires.

All naysayers are ousted from influence. Even their own warning signals are swaddled into a cocoon of happiness to silence them.

What matters then is the journey, as awakening dreams flood, unfolding the promise of a heavenly destination.

And if the line becomes broken between a heart in love and its beloved intended, that heart finds itself suddenly cast out of paradise – thrust back into the laws of gravity as its world comes crashing back down to impact with earth’s “realities.”

Maybe the result of devastation when losing love isn’t just from the loss of a specific person, but also from the feeling that the chance for creating Heaven On Earth and sharing it with someone worthy seems gone.

In nearly everything I do, I like being productive.

If you feel it and have it, honor it and cherish it.

(Title from band Queen’s song lyrics)

When we see those shining sparks in others, we must cultivate them – by giving encouraging words, smiles, and sometimes a service tip.

pal·pa·ble

/ˈpalpəb(ə)l/

– (of a feeling or atmosphere) so intense as to seem almost tangible.

– able to be touched or felt.

Oxford

(Now say it five times…)

Congnitive Behavioral Training

“Unlike the suppressive generations before me, as I continue to mature, I keep an open heart that – as a result – also remains vulnerable.

Respect me for my bravery.

Don’t squash me!”

I am afraid that the future won’t be there for me.

I admit it.

My brain is overloaded.

But I must realize that it is because I am in the swirl of organizing startup of several avenues while doing damage control and reparations.

Once everything is settled, there is premise that my schedule should even out more smoothly.

Time to “dream” while awake is necessary.

Projects

Innovation

Teaching

Collaborating

Revisiting complex ancestry.

Some very important things can just become so snarled that one has to walk away from them.

But it is helpful for healing if pieces can be revisited and amended from time to time.

(Title alludes to the phrase)

It’s important that I allow what matters to my core identity to have front-and-center staging.

I am just going to have to push against barriers that try to counteract me, keeping my eye on the outcomes that I desire for my better positioning.

Three years on the mountain had taken her vitality like an old woman sucks with toothless gums on once-marrowed bones.

She had wanted him from those first days in school in the early 90’s.

Twenty years later, she got the opportunity to know him better, yet was cautious.

Then their paths diverted, and she always wondered about the mechanisms behind it all.

George Burns, John Denver, and Teri Garr.

(I used to look forward to George Burns’ next shows – and with one of my favorite childhood singers and Teri Garr, what a fun cast of the time!)

How is this to work in the Here and Now?

Adding finishing my Bachelor’s.

No moderation, but balancing…