“Working out today in mid-gravity-assisted decompression-realignment exercises, my left lumbar did a hard teadjustment in a way that it never had before – which painfully ‘knocked the wind out of me’ for a few minutes.
I am hoping that it was needed, and that it will reduce tension on my right hip’s mobility constrainments.”
“In today’s neurofeedback session, correctioms were made for more unification and downgrading overactivity pinging – including, apparently, that I had a tension spiral from neck into btain chamber that I could feel at last unwinding.
An adfitional finding, though, is that afterwatds, I can feel the anterior hip flexors twitching/teactivating – which confirms my suspiclscion that although taking impact through joints and muscles definitely contributed, connective regions ‘shorting out’ is also related to brain-spinal chord injuries.”
In this room I hurt
In this room I break
Facing brain injury &
Physical disabilities
In this room I play
Briefly connecting
Fragments of myself
Blown into segments
Following music trails
Along windy highways
In this room I dream
To bridge with a man
Building castles in skies
Where promises fly high
Because love is why
Life is worth living
“Going to the shelters asking for human and animal food…first driving through the parks and seeing all of the sprouting tents and makeshift coverings over piled vehicles and bicycle units – and then here at the limited rooms…levels of people older to young just trying to hang on.”
Time for switching tracks again
About to hit more dead ends
Where am I going?
The world spins
Trying to find
Cognizance
Pounding on walls
Closing in
Constricting
Sense of freedom
Limiting belief
In reparations
Finding my way
Becomes limited
From miscalculated
Neurofeedback session
Attempting to help
Brain’s injury
Forcing tied mind
Into corners
Happenstance
Constricts play
“Making it to the brief haven of a larger handicap bathroom stall, I stop abruptly, trying to figure out why I cannot see/recognize/identify the toilet paper rolls.
It’s because the dispenser has been removed since the other day!!!”
“Blipping in and out of realities.”
“I must rest amid transitions to allow my pieces to catch up, rest, and reorient.
Translation: I am ever late to any destination.”
“I’ve seen enough of society to know that as far as material wealth and performance expectations, my positioning as viable for marriage on those levels is no longer market competitive.
When I rush, my hands falter and parts of my physical connections try to tear apart going different directions.
I did not deserve to have simplicities of my youth stripped from me.
Yet, I am not the first to fall.”
With all of the efforts it took to answer an agency call, get ready, deal with animals, leave the house, drive, get a gas card, check on rent progress, and then finally make it to the class building, she was late, her hair was fried, and her confidence was blown – so she escaped into a practice room.
She was learning to no longer reach beyond current capacities.
As it consumed her
She did not scream
For if she voiced
It would access
Last defenses
Where hiding
“Insidiously, the brain injury masks within normality – yet keeps pushing me away from approaching new information gathering like figuring out how to recognize, understand, and choose desired chord progressions.”
“I hear there may be some hope for internal reparations through contained nutrients…”
“The hound and wolf are no longer synced to me, having absorbed into pack mentality.
The other dogs, either being very young or untrained in their communication niceties have more pushy and frequently jarring and obnoxious barking tendencies, so when mine hear me, they whine and demand rudely.
There’s no real hope of my currently curbing mine back to civilized politeness, and so they only respond, if at all, if I yell and demand right back at them – or at the very least, I must be firm in my tone with a ‘don’t mess with me’ edge to it.
I’m not loving the ptsd reaction this keeps reactivating, nor the ever present stress charge blooming on edge of last ditch efforts in self salvaging sparking over into anger.
And I must veer away from thoughts and any desire to walk my two for rebonding and needed extra exercise.
My limbs are just too prone now to tearing if pulled by force into different directions.
But still, if I could find those boot shoes that disappeared, I’d be tempted to try to go carefully with my walking sticks and their harnessing, anyway.
Yet then, they’d build up an even greater demanding in their expectations – and that is not something that I can further manage, especially when I cannot guarantee them nor myself capability of consistency.
So it would be one more pressure that they see in their minds as valid to pile onto me.”
“As my body attempts to return to its prior shape, it becomes clear that the lower portion of my ribs was blasted, flanged open…”
“It is very hard for me to conceptualize that I could be wanted as a viable partner – despite all of the struggling that I am having to overcome due to these lingering car accident injuries.”
If MRI’s show damage to spine and joints
It’s pretty safe to assume that there’s likely
Other muscle/tissue damage around them
—
(Title reference to phrase “the elephant in the room” = huge issue specialists keep ignoring)
“You can bet I will keep pushing back.”
“When performing on self, it can cause temporary abrading – simply from difficulty in maneuvering.
“Some things seem necessary to do alone.
But I hate how these injuries seem to be increasingly isolating me as I keep struggling for functionality.”
“Can I please not keep getting spun off of the ground into emergency modalities?”
—
(Important phone calls and deadlines interfering with trying to show up for classes.)
“Does everything have to be so difficult?
It’s the same ol’ sh** – only haaardeeerr!!!”
—
(Just trying to get out the door!)
“OMG – NOOOO!
Exactly that which activates my brain injury!”
—
(Trying to access lyrics – and bailing!)
“Poor love…I never seem to find for you the right resting position.”
“Past Martial Arts, rock climbing, and general balance-pivoting skills help me manage this ambulatory insanity!”
“I cannot help but be nervous as I keep working on my body from central core to tips of limbs to keep reclaiming territory.
It was terrifying to have lost coordination and responsiveness / strength through to digits!”
“To see how my feet have changed since the accident.
I am becoming a different creature – altogether…”
“It would be great if all of the back and forth were making me stronger…
I don’t want to just keep struggling.”
—
(Title and content of multiple meanings)
“It’s difficult to feel attractive when I do not feel right in my body.”
Not just around joint attachments, but the actual support muscles around them yielding too much and too easily to where hips’ and shoulders’ insides flex through planes they normally wouldn’t.
Time to begin adding some counter-balancing exercises.
“Has made it harder to save to playlists.
I won’t go into the details, but I wanted to throw my phone over it.”
In body tension
Spine recovers
By resting upon
Glomming sack
Releasing swelling
As strength returns
More protection
For injured back
“Perhaps I am entering some kind of acceleration effects on certain – and maybe many – levels.
For so long, I was just swollen and puffy no matter how I worked to reconnect and regain tonal tension.
But playing out the idea that one day it can all click, this might be shifting.”
“I must be beginning to heal because the pain is getting worse, even though I paused doing therapies.
What I mean is, my tissues are tightening in junction crossover areas, revealing more and more the experiential damage of injuries.”
She fantasized about him carrying her to bed – both romantically, and of necessity.
—
(Hip twisting extreme sudden pain, again.)
Too hot
Too cold
Burrowing
“We take for granted the miracle of natural structural integrity.”
—
(Title of multiple neanings)
“I saw the movie ‘Barbie’ right before my accident – and had cried, hoping that I’d get my chance to feel young and alive again.”
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