I dreamed last night that I crossed paths with you and a friend of yours and I was able to buy you a lunchtime acquisition.
It made me feel good, gallant, and able to show you societally-accepted appreciation.
Upon reflection, I realize that you were again there for me, when my world is seeming to cave inward all around me.
Thank you for being a friend, in whatever forms we may at least pretend.
To begin changing how we perceive fear.
The identity of cause is not yet shown in the few scans so far taken.
They have merely shown proof that what I say has occurred is indeed in those dimensions.
For the body obtains injury not only to bones and muscles – but to nerves, organs, and interstitial vessels.
Fie to those in power that continue suppressing the truth’s humanitarian efforts!
An accronym for a durection wherein resides my salvation.
A deceitful game of “winner takes all” – unless the valiant resist to stop this.
As I thought would happen, the 3rd party doctor who was not listening to my current symptoms and was looking for any reason to discount what I was saying filed against my continuing to receive support. She was even reluctant to do a physical assessment, shrugging and saying “well, let’s go through the motions” – and then not even following through with any real testing!
I guess it is enough to just keep showing up and complete each task required, however possible.
Playing around with Ableton.
Contemporary Show Tune
By Athena Stairs
December 18, 2023
I like not having to be perfect
For some guy who’s not worth it
I can walk with a swagger
And not care for the latter
I can look upon my face
Without any makeup splatters
I like being in my own body
With my own choice to be good or naughty
Escuse as I digress
My hair it is a mess
And in my middle age
I can be haughty
I like having freedom of expression
Without going to a counseling session
I can say what I like
Without worrying if it’s right
I don’t need your help
I’ve got my own critic
I like when I get up in the morning
There’s nobody to tell me I’ve been snoring
I don’t have to cower down
For worrying that you’ll frown
At any imperfection
Where you’re looking
I like saying no to the callous
Men who seek the prize of my chalice
You can go away
It’s sunny out today
I don’t need you to compete
With my prowess
I like being happily expressive
It’s so much finer than to be quite pensive
Forgive me if I’m proud
When there’s no one around
I don’t need your vote
My life is kind of nifty
I like being totally chaotic
I get to play and be my own methodic
I can flit to and fro
Wherever I may go
In grandiose
I almost feel bionic
I like being subtly distractive
I realize now no other way I can live
So get out of my way
I’ve got something to say
Though I pine for love
I guess it’s time I shelf it!
_____
A spontaneously created show tune that I came up with one day to help offset the pressures to conform as a woman in today’s society.
_____
(No permissions to use without my direct and verified consent.)
I must have a career in a field that nourishes me. Until now, I have been advocating for and giving to others – at the expense of my own needs.
We sold the car and got my youngling their prize!
Sometimes I could wish I were several years younger. But that is when everything fell apart for me as an adult; I had not yet begun to develop my writing and creative expressioning; and you would have had no indication of why you should get to know me.
My brain doth tither thither tallie-ho!
By the time I was a teenager, I had been bullied, and ostracized, and beaten upon, and criticized – all without provocation on my behalf.
So as I found myself head held naturally higher than kids my age would dare, I realized I might as well be regal – for that was my nature, anyway.
And how would that change how I had already been targeted?
the fact of originating or occurring naturally in a particular place.
Oxford dictionary
Thanking people for being there in their relative ways; finding a compliment to give a stranger to help clear the waking haze.
My sense of injustice was front, center, and self-defending when I heard the new bill payment manager tell me that they were not going to honor the already twice-promised reinstatement fee waiver, which I’d been waiting for several weeks to have applied.
The force of my instantly outraged reaction called her out for her phrasing of “we need to compromise, so I can only credit you half the amount” and “we don’t want to encourage repeat offenders” – which basically changed the rules as well as accused and insulted.
Yet after I emoted, I started laughing and apologizing.
She was such a champ in her response by holding firm through the righteous storm my emotional allies had thrown at her, and I was surprised that I was able to call these forces back into my command and turn our interaction into sunnier weather.
She said that she would speak to her supervisor, and I said that for her stalwart professionalism, I would stay on the line and give her a good rating.
She called me back soon and told me that I had been granted the full fee reversal!
It is difficult to feel uplifted and hopeful upon receiving the usual payment, knowing we are now further “in the red” and my funding could be cut off before my career retraining is completed.
It often feels like before my wings can just begin flexing, it is as if machetes come swinging at my legs – propelling me to keep leaping even harder to try to fly, long before I am ready!
I do not want to be something I am not, unless it is who I truly and happily can be.
I searched the possibilities and could not find an inexpensive power strip adaptor plug-into-cigarette-lighter station to charge my laptop with.
As I sit here in my vehicle next to the one we are selling amid bright sparkling, wind-bouncing star and St. Patrick’s Day balloon reflections giving off technicolor disco flashes, the signs boldly proclaiming in white and neon green framed by emergency-red duct tape proclaiming “For Sale – Make Offer” and “Ask The Seller Questions” in boldly-thickened black permanent ink marker cause way more attention to my location than I am used to or comfortable with – proving by example some lengths a mother will go to to ensure her youngling may at last obtain their prize.
My internal day-use battery seems to not reboot quickly to the extent that after I have pleasantly spoken at length with prospective buyers while out in the elements, I find myself privately lapsing into quick frustration with cussing aa dealing with gatekeeping store answering systems.
“At times I feel so stripped of any buffers that its just my soul, raw and naked, going out and braving the world.”
Maybe it isn’t just one part or another that makes our hodgepodge of bits attractive – but rather, the combination that imbues a certain nuanced enhancement.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
I am at the apex of continuum when find myself working, down in the ditches.
For the last two weeks, between taxes and prepping my youngest’s car for sale so that they can at last get an automatic, my being has been conscripted to addressing what is right in front of me to help stabilize and boost my family – rather than focusing upon the love that I have for music.
This exemplifies that when my family needs me to produce as our finances go into the red zone, the warrior within pours all efforts into these efforts succeeding and my mind cuts off from more gentle, inner creative development.
I know that “times are slim” when I find myself checking the one pair of jeans that I always wear to make sure there are still no worn through, unseemly thinned patches in them on my way to interact with the public.
“In deciding to run for office, I did not worry about currying favor.
I know my capabilities and limitations.
I have always been a protector and advocate.
I know what it feels like to be an outcast.
I understand injustice and the need for reparations.
The soul of our nation is being bled without integrity of effective leadership.
What we need is the heart and mind of a nurturing warrior.”
I ensured ducklings fledged into adulthood found their way to the nearby stream, and river dolphins beckoned for my attention – whereupon one surfaced, asking for help and waiting patiently while I untangled its head from cyborg science experimenting.
When I felt crushed after the 3rd party doctor exam to “verify my continued disability,” I found a secluded office alcove where a chair sat in diffused, bright sunlight.
I had to let myself just stop and shake out the sensations and their implications, holding my forehead between fingertips with arms supported by high-sided leather.
As tears rolled down my cheeks unbidden, frustrated by event’s embarrassment, I quietly sobbed folding into myself as my brain swirled in churning confusion.
Then anger arose to defend me, to lift and surround encircling: the dragin within awaking to protect this vulnerable child.
I prefer interdependency to codependency.
Candid Corvid Productions 