Candid Corvid Productions

I love that you are moving forward from those dark days which seem not so long ago.

Thank you for taking time this evening to share your special kind of love with our family.

That crisp-chickering sound of a male quail alerting his flock of foragers, my ears had been dialed to keen listening by a sound before that I had thought might be a woodpecker.

With the dogs on the porch, I could hardly believe it – but there he was, a proud sentinal perching on the neighbors fence where I could see him!

And then I realized the call before had also been his, guiding his family.

Tolerance.

Too much willingness to allow understanding of other’s situations has backfired on me.

Allowing people into my sphere and caring for them deeply is what has foibled me.

I did not vet them even more before, as I ought to have.

I just observed that they seemed nice – and my heart was striving.

(Title of multiple meanings)

When I have been quite, self-reserved, and confident, people have felt the need to project onti and pick away at – and even directly challenge me.

These are some of the reasons that I do not often seek social company.

I shared with an employer once that my hair still had its natural coloring.

He was going through a mid-life crises and desperate to gain an edge over anyone and everybody.

I saw then how he took my simple statement of pride – and in his mind, turned it against me.

It has taken me years to tighten skin up again after my attempt to lose weight by innocent carb starvation.

Therefire, I must be slimming down if they are reappearing.

I will take it as a good sign – rather than despairing.

It is clear now, more than ever, that I am the master of my own fashioning.

Since I seem to be stuck in the middle, I may as well write about my experiences.

Having just changed outfits to impersonate the woman’s trusted contact, I as a man could not quite get the dream jump right to relaunch the hovercraft to elevate through the air up to her.

So, I clambered out of the gear, peeled off the oversuit, and instead walked into the building – unsure what my next move would be.

And I walked right past her as she called out quietly to me. Apparently, I looked enough like her guy without the uniform, and I had not expected her to be down by the stairs, waiting in the lobby.

I kept going and turned toward a well-lit room down the hall, ignoring her. I could feel her desperation receed as I put distance between us and waited for the reforming of my game plan.

I smelled warmed Thai food coming from the small gathering’s buffet within what I could now see was a theatre, and thought to myself, “Why not?” as the doors were left wide open as if in invitation. “I’ll just mingle.”

Once I took a seat for the then revealed rally to begin, I realized as my form shifted back to female that my arriving at performances for one reason is frequently turning into another.

“No, you see – you make it too easy! Why didn’t you take that negotiations class from the link that was sent to you?” the man said, for whom such skills now came easily.

“I did not take it because I do not want to become manipulative,” she replied.

“But, the world is becoming more complicated. How are you to manage your position to any higher advantage if you do not get even more savvy?”

Exasperation. She couold tell that he was struggling to not show his deep disappointment. “I expected – I needed better from you by now!”

“Oh…I was never told by any direct means what you wanted or hoped for…

I can no longer participate in the pastime of second guessing,” she mused, “and my whole purpose in life – that which motivates me – is to love.

Anything I would venture into from here means nothing to me without love. I can no longer keep striving for grand adventures hollow-hearted.

I need more than this in my life. My heart must be replenished by love received, for so much that I give to others.

So, if my heart is not matched and love is not reciprocated, I just have to stick to gardening.”

(Title play with words)

Silence…

And space.

I don’t want someone else to fret over.

It must be understood what I have gone through – the choices and options that were given to me.

Keeping myself free from entanglements is the only way that I can see to change the pattern.

Although this really isn’t a change.

It’s just back to the beginning.

An ideal is just a concept if it can not be obtained.

(“Carrot vs. the stick” play with wotds, multiple meanings)

There has to be a way to reset the system – to just purge, cleanse, and grow a new inner dimension.

Exactly when does this happen?

I would like to say that the experience was real, but now I am not so certain.

Constellations passing overhead, breeze rustling heavy through trees, and a new moon smiling down upon me. My cup runs full with happiness for our acquiring simple home necessities.

Who came up with the idea that we should not be honest about our feelings, and that this would ensure that we have productive relationships?

How did this become our societal indoctrination, and is it the cause of so many failed connections?

Usually when people would speak truth, it is about something political or contentious.

Why, then, do I tremble to share my own truth?

Why does the body’s form at first look worse when it is responding to muscle toning?

Two new, individual men have made their presence in person known to me, and I am finding that I am just no longer interested in getting entangled!

As I repot seedlings into next stage containers, having paused my quest and laboring to get more larger pots and soil, I know that it won’t be long before I repeat the process.

But, there is satisfaction in watching my comfort in the garden unfolding while chiding the pup to not eat plastic pots; to stay out of the plants; and to focus on the bone she’s got.

Nights when I have the house to myself, I can not grieve because it means that we have made it this far, and my youngling gets to be social while flexing their wings.

I have decided that my strength is connecting individually with prospective clients, rather than mass marketing.

Word-of-mouth recommendations of my services are the best way to build business, although may happen more slowly.

The quest to find one’s self can last a lifetime, but does not mean that we must do this alone.

I have observed and assisted others on their journey, but did not expect to have a personal necessity. It is much to adjust to, and at times a bit disheartening.

I go out and do things, but must be selective to conserve limited energy while recovering.

It is common to have an inner life that most people do not see, but to hide on’s very essence can trap one in relationships, inadvertently.

If not the same as life,
What worth in reality?

Higher ideals, perhaps…
Otherwise unobtainable?

My rotator cuff had stopped responding.

Now we are on our way to reactivating!

I look back upon all of my good efforts where not recipricated and cannot grieve for what was wasted.

Our yards is home to varieties of jumping spiders – and today I even had one in my car!

I shared laughing cajolery today with a friend as we sleuthed as to why I have been pining for my Starbuck’s drink and homemade smoothies don’t make me feel so clear with energy: I didn’t know that my Pink Drinks (TM) were loaded with caffeine from green coffee berry!

When I cleaned out the car the other day, I realized while sorting that I had comparable amounts of Starbuck’s recycling to trash, which made me realize that I have been living as if we were still uprooted.

“I deserve neither such praise, nor such censure.”

A&E’s Pride And Prejudice