Candid Corvid Productions

I do not like conflict.

A popular phrase says that conflict is key to growth.

Some people greet conflict with alacrity – and even crave it to “get another’s goat.”

Conflict to me is a symptom that something is not working right, or has become broken.

It is not to be lauded as an ideal, but an indicator we must address an issue to a better solution – beyond mere token.

My youngest captured our playcul frippery and texted to me what we said:

Me: “What is stuck on this power strip that’s making it all weirdly sparkly?”
Mom: “The blood of children?”
Me: “??????”
Mom: “I was going to say ‘blood of elves’ but I didn’t wanna piss the elves off.”
Me: “As opposed to the children??”
Mom: “Well, they’re not around anymore!”

(I am still laughing, and my youngest comments my laugh is like I know this is f-ed up, but it’s the funniest thing ever that I said it. We have a lot of fun being silly and saying things to catch each other off guard.)

A thought often enters my mind as to whether or not I should make this site be anonymous.

For I am out in the world, promoting myself as a professional, and anyone at any time could happen upon these writings.

People who do not know themselves well enough to have reached the point of being able to accept others’ flaws mixed with capabilities can have too much reactivity and desire to destroy others’ reputations if they feel uncomfortable about something.

Additionally, some people put their whole life’s efforts into creating an impenetrable persona presentation that they can hide behind, which they think is then infallible.

But, all of us are squishy on the inside.

And we are always just still learning and adjusting.

It matters to me that I be allowed to be seen because I am not just another zombie, shuffling.

Consensus is a dicey word.

It’s elusive if people involved in a decision allow their fears and insecurities to overtake them.

It’s dangerous if a person depends on such people’s perspectives.

Today, I have been fired from an amazing job that I put every effort toward to move here and secure.

Why, you ask?

Because the people involved could not follow through on the offer they initially promised me – and then decided without consulting me that my position there was no longer a good fit.

Back to reenrolling in unemployment for me?

Back to walking the streets, looking for worthy humanity to believe in and collaborate with?

No.

I fought back. I fought to regain my position.

It is a great clinic – and I belong there.

No one – I mean NO ONE – is just going to be allowed to disolve my investments without at least my stating my case to them, loud and clear.

Grow up, people – and get over your fears!

We have a world to save here!

She didn’t blame the illness – in fact, she knew that it was due.

Her body having been disrupted from rest recovery and needed sleep cycles as she was pushed beyond levels of endurance time and again – then exposed to a sick client – rendered her vulnerable .

However, she also realized that she had to bring forward what she’d left back behind her: she couldn’t be in that space and time anymore, and who she was must rise up to next levels.

She needed to stop and let the rest of herself catch up to her.

For my generation, we’ve been under spell that you must stay unconsciousness if you wish to have intimate relationship.

I walk between then and now – into a new paradigm becoming.

My children will not fall into the sway as was attempted to be programmed into me.

Marrying whom I did, combined with my efforts to not pass forward the bullshit, will go a long way for them toward this freedom to choose their own life paths.

But, where does this leave me?

Perched in a tree, watching the world go by and cameo contributing when necessary.

I must get it into my head that I am an anomaly.

I must realize there is likely no one here for me.

I am the first of my kind, maybe – or maybe I initially was not supposed to be here, seeing.

My breaking the trap carefully crafted has me triapsing through unknown territories.

She reaches shakily for the smooth blue ceramic tea kettle, just large enough for a couple of cups’ portability.

Lifting the lid gently clinking and then stirring the tea, she reflects upon her own personal trageies.

How can one full of so much caring for others be seemingly denied basic human needs – why be programmed to love if there is no matching?

Though I appeared to you in a dream, thinking it was mine, I wore the face and form of another woman.

This is whom you loved – then were surprised to find me there, in her.

Too often I find that the male mind must be allowed its illusions.

And if I linger, thinking I’ve found a home, my heart receives more bruises.

The tally today was 10×6, 6×6, and 4×6 heavy chain link panels falling over onto my left posterior shoulder as I leaned forward.

I shouted out for youngest to come help me as I held my own in bent over posture where everything had shoved and pinned me.

What is it with my left shoulder always getting beaten on, lately? It is certainly acting as the shield that catches, deflects, and protects.

I then joked with youngest, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Kindergarten Cop’s tumor reference, “It’s not a hump,” and acted out staggering forward like Quasimodo.

I could feel the pain begin to throb and swell under my shoulder blade, yet knew I had to keep moving

Then, something landed hard on the top arch of my left foot. Ow. Ow. Ow. completed the lurching effect.

Later, I “hauled bootie,” walking along the freeway at night, hoping to not get sideswiped as I kept flashing my camera light at traffic coming up behind me.

My upper left thigh kept spasming, making me limp to not engage the catch of the psoas and quadraceps intersections fighting.

I passed an older woman sitting close to the zooming cars outside a midway convenience store and gave her what would have been my taxi fare.

She liked my name and wanted to be spoiled as my baby, citing I must know her since I belonged with Zeus and the other gods.

I told her I couldn’t join her because I had my own kid to take care of, and besides, the gods were just a part of human imagination.

She released me back to my duty of getting home upon seeing I had my own purpose set.

Now that I am very tired and sick, I hope to spend the next four days merely unpacking boxes and resting.

Ok – maybe just resting!