We all need something to help guide us out of darkness, even if it’s only a temporary illusion.
Ticking (Clocks)
Inner Child
“I thought we could be friends…”
“Even In These Chains” (Big Bad Wolf)
Soul-Starved
I just saw a ritzed-up older woman driving by in front of me, unsure of where she was going, and felt something in me snarl at her for taking so long to get out of my way with her cushioned status.
Why? I wondered. This isn’t like me…
But, apparently, the feral part of me just having dropped off things to the Goodwill (and now reflecting upon such hardships experienced here) has just “Had It!” with feeling entrenched in poverty.
It’s only when you can finally leave a bad situation that you realize how toxic it’s been.
(Precious) Hearts
Precious (editing)
Last night, we let the cats stay out with us instead of in their own cattery, and surprisingly, my female and male stayed on the bed with me.
He was at my feet or in-between my legs, sleeping outside my covers, and she nestled in some curled positition gainst my head, neck, or shoulders, kneading into my neck and purring.
He is my rough-and-tumble, brown tabby guy: the harder I pet, massage, and gently pull on his tail for spinal tension release, the better.
She is my queen: silver and soft furred – and seems to adore me, though I don’t know why since I’m always moving in a blur past her.
You’d think that after an evening of such love given to me, I’d wake up refreshed and in a good mood.
But my hound had been jealous in her crate all night and kept waking me up, trying to get attention.
In the morning, I had a sudden panic attack when I thought about driving with the trailer and getting our stuff and pets out of here.
Luckily, my ex -husband picked up the phone and was a sounding board for me to break-it-down a bit, and relieve some fear.
After we hung up, I spent the next two hours going over details of the moving pieces, working the problems I could see and searching for solutions.
Then, I pushed outside, fiesty and to the point – moving things around, caring for the animals, and making sure the dogs got exercised before I left them with youngest to run errands in town.
I wasn’t calm or relaxed while driving and listening to “The In-Between” on replay while getting into its best passionate moments. And when I arrived at a stoplight, my angst diverted to a man and woman directly across the street from me in front of an office.
They seemed to be discussing the plants in huge pots outside, as if he was her contractor.
I noticed he had a strong beer belly and red face, denoting possible frequent beer consumption, and I thought, “how like this region where we’ve lived around others living unhealthy lifestyles.”
Then, I saw something as the light turned green and my path curved me left in passing them.
They were laughing as if teasing.
He leaned down as she looked up chuckling – and then she looked shyly away.
She looked up again and paused, realizing he’d tried to kiss her.
Then she reached for him as he leaned down again – and they kissed!
Right there, in front of traffic, unaware that all could see.
My heart melted.
I had just witnessed two people falling in love.
Nerves
I will be driving a 20-foot truck, towing a car trailer with a car on it.
Hoo-hoo-hoo! Hee-hee-hee!
Wait a minute…I don’t want to do this…
So (Cry Little Sister)
“Well, you wait ’til mom finds out – buddy!”
Incubus
Those dreams I was sent…if I were trapped in an unfulfilled real-life fantasy, he would never lose me.
Mine To Choose
A friend had recently suggested it was the same type of fox that had killed our roosters.
I had said I had not seen the kind he mentioned and they sounded fascinating and beautiful.
Farmers could say what happened was like “an eye for an eye” – except to a different “culprit.”
But, the small predators at least eat what they kill, instead of killing and just leaving the carnage!
“Seeing (The Red) Again”
Forced
When we turned onto the road leading to home deep within the mountains, my heart gave a shudder.
Anxiety? Exhaustion? Susceptability to impressions?
As we traveled up – then down the first long road, we swerved around as passed a furry body.
I thought it was a possum, and turned around – not wanting to leave it there to the disgrace of passing vehicle mutilation.
Car parked to the side at night with emergency lights flashing, we discovered it was a small fox of red and blue markings that died of head trauma.
The blood on the road was both deepest-dark maroon and orange-red paste-paint glistening.
How strange…the lighter color must have been mixed with brain fluid.
As I carefully lifted its small heaviness, then lay it down in graceful running position on the shoulder’s rise against a fence, its flopping head brushed against my left hand nuckles where the bag’s handles left them exposed.
Blood marked me, there…blood of an innocent.
Maybe that’s why when we got home and the cats began ping-yowling at me every 1/2 second – I just lost my cool and began yelling.
Retraction
As I pack up what must come forward to be sorted, I must leave behind that which did not carry merit.
Write-Off
It was clearly a “miss” – and not a “hit.”
He must have not been worth it.
It’s (Tearing Me Up)
Replay
How do you unsee something that penetrate’s mind’s acuity?
Feeling (Numb)
“Left Foot, Right”
Completion of tasks leads me onward when rays’ hope cannot permeate disillusion and insecurity.
(On My Knees) Again
Thwart
I attempted a better position, but encountered the same scenario.
When In (The In-Between)
Intrigue
“Did you really want that role with me?” He lifted an eyebrow inquisitively.
She thought for a moment of implications and possibilities…
“I guess I didn’t,” she admitted, reluctantly.
“My game runs deeper.”
Old Beau
It was strange to find that the hinging point where I’d been stuck was that I’d never had the chance to say what I’d thought of his treatment of me.
Once I was given this chance inadvertently, that unsettled part inside me I’d carried forward through over quarter of a century was released!
Image
Mirrors are strange apparitions designed to reflect ego’s weakness.
“Magic Numbers”
I have just been positively reinforced of my dependability, industriousness, sincerity, meticulousness, and zeal.
Marching Time
Even numbers are smooth and rounded, bringing flow’s harmonics, whereas odd numbers are angled and positioned into pushing us to next levels.
Base Camp
I needed my position better secured in order to risk further.
Being Seen As Important
I dreamed that he had set aside a portfolio for me in anticipation of the day I could claim it and join his efforts.
What an honor that I’d relish!
Ventures
In order to join with another’s vision, I must know them and their character.
I must know why they are pursuing their cause and what outcome they wish to obtain.
And, I must have identified – without any doubt – that they are real (not a scammer), and that their vision is worthy.
I will not investigate, nor put my time and money in any direction that does not meet these requirements – no matter the promised or missed-out-on yields.
I cannot afford excursions onto extra ledges without provable reassurances when I’m already working so hard to make my life more stable.
This position has made my current gains possible, while proving that I still have what it takes to improve my life circumstances – my way.
As I transition to a new life, I’m amazed at how the last three years imposed onus of self negation.
Overcoming Poverty
I am affected daily by the significance and limitation of money.
Participating in the prohibitively-restrictive Unemployment and government economic support programs has yielded lessons in compounded suffering.
My being craves reasons for why I have had to experience such systems repeatedly, from different life positions.
What can I do with this information – except sympathize and become an advocate for others?
Yeck…whatever role I play must be outside revisiting feelings of deep desperation.
I just can’t take the associated hardship and exposure to thematics of trauma, anymore.
However, I have been a unique participant, compared to multitudes of people less adaptable.
Each time I’ve been shoved back into poverty, I’ve worked to refashion my income generation strategies while redesigning my skill sets.
Most of society that gets pushed to the side has no concept of how to do this, innovatively.
And when you’re bombarded by too many survival emergencies (and the shame and loss depression), there’s often little safety or space to think clearly.
A fragile fantasy budding is that maybe these experiences have honed my perceiving the energetics and useful applications of money.
When you have little, you can try and use it “wisely” by nose-to-grindstine bill paying (ouch!) – or you can apply toward moving to a better level.
It’s messy, with later credit cleanup needed, but if a person doesn’t pour what they have into leaving, they’ll stay trapped in the system of limitations.
These programs’ flaws keep people dependent.
Reconciliation
Once my heart has opened to someone, it stays opened.
Only time and distance fades connection – which is now near impossible if someone is well-known on social media.
Trying to mute yearning gets negated as soon as images randomly repopulate one’s screen.
Hard Stop
If they pull away, it is best to not further pursue.
This is mainly true regarding men – not children.
Children need guidance – but men must “know better.”
If you give guidance to a man, you play the role of teacher or surrogate mother.
Scene
The ideal that I could mean so much to someone I esteem: having my affections returned is an ultimate dream.
Flat
The evening tapped out before beginning – which I would think odd, for a Friday.
I wanted to just go back to my room and call it a night, but instead, I foolishly went searching for cleaning supplies to prepare the new home for our arrival.
As I walked to the entrance of the store, I had my wallet out to replace my license, after walking the dogs with it in my pocket.
I heard a man whisper, Hey miss! Hey miss!” But it didn’t permeate until I’d passed him.
He was be-scraggled and had a young child in a shopping cart with him, hidden from view of the market staff, so they wouldn’t catch him.
I must have looked like an easy mark – and it made me mad that he was using a child to justify his intent.
Sentinels
The statues are placed like wards, guarding.
When you look directly at them, it seems preposterous that the mind conjured elements more complex from periphery.
In passing, there’s impression of an odd strangeness – as if, in fact, they were not fashioned by human hands.
We (Says)
Fallibility
Masses of people all over the globe lost faith in God because God did not stop The Great Wars.
But, if we review scriptures, God has only intervened if it was “His” war to begin with – by “His” design.
Man’s “free will” has been left up to us to moderate, until such times.
Quirk
I love that I called his bluffs…I didn’t know “I had it in me!”
Spaghettification
How can a process so important to cosmic variances be termed so silly?!
Event Horizon
We know each other, intimately.
It keeps pulling and won’t let go of my being – despite my flurried swats to”Just get off of me!”
It holds me hostage by my own attachments that I’m still discovering.
Dreamwalker
Seamless transition between waking and deeper channeling states.
I won’t venture farther like the others and become a tool.
I’ve worked too hard to regain the sense of self that I have.
Acceptance
I reject that which harms me, seeking to redesign my reality.
Stalwart
I’ve got to be “relieved”…this is the only option that can bring best gains, ultimately.
Who knew emotions were something to be worked on?
Luckily, I’ve come to understand they are like wild horses – full of passionate self expression.
They can be trained and tamed to some degree, like spirit-unbroken steeds.
Those who work with stallions (vs. geldings) know what I mean.
And once you gain their trust, they share secrets about the world you’d normally not see.
“Taking The World By Storm”
Is it really such a good idea?
I know we have the media technology.
And the world is primed for absorptive following.
But, all emperors think they know best.
It’s called a complex.
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I don’t like being told what to think, nor how to think about it – so for the most part, I ignore them.
Brilliance
Spectrumed rays of an embered sun burst from her chest as her heart opened.
She kept trying to cover the area to stop the outpouring; attempted to seize the rays as they streamed, unending…
Fête
This evening, I happened upon a dance event, where the music was to my liking.
Being initially shy, and still having the dogs to walk and dinner to get for my youngest, by the time I returned, there was only a half hour left.
I got one song in at my pace, with my eyes closed, channeling the energy. But then the music slowed, and I stretched and huddled against the wall to stay warm, observing.
I’m not sure they will play my type of music at the next gathering, but I got out there and expressed myself – exuberantly!
Phenomena
As a species, we’ve been hit hard by the pandemic causing loneliness and too much experienced loss.
Like birds, we’re migrating to better grounds where we can avoid further isolation and population mitigation.
A flock’s survival instinct is “safety in numbers.”
Dashes
I like them.
They are mine – and –
I will put them where I want to!
Candid Corvid Productions 