Candid Corvid Productions

We arrived home to find four of our roosters had been taken by a predator(s) which found ways to infiltrate the coop.

The cycle of ease and plenty from summer is gone – just like that – and replaced with lack, worry, and insecurity.

The bitter-moist frost hangs upon and bites in the air, penetrating muscles as they contract – making movement more difficult.

The neighbor above us now begins his evening fire in the fireplace ritual, sending a blanket of choking, acrid smoke smothering us with no relief until maybe two in the morning.

Every season brings its own challenges, but winter here is the most brutal.

As we prepare to leave, we see nature gathering its forces for a next level.

I think mine is a complex mix of guilt and shame that I ought to no longer be carrying.

I take other people’s needs too seriously…I pay more than I should internally because some have suffered and now do not trust.

It’s as if I carry the debt of previous transgressors to those I have a lifelong tie to (parents, friends from childhood) who in a way manipulate me by projecting their distrust and fear onto me.

Because some other “dog” should have been disciplined, I am supposed to whine and grovel in their stead.

This messaging is from the abuse I experienced in my early years, and these people were a part of that time and events, so I get triggered into this mindset by how they still speak with me.

I slip back into the role of accommodating to make up for their sense of being victimized – and if I do not do this, I get the sense I am seen as not being committed to our relationship.

I’m “a slaggard, a fool, unloving, irresponsible, working against, and/or out to get them.”

I’ve always wanted people to be able to heal and rise above their emotional poverty.

I want people to feel loved and redeemed, so I am willing to help give them a step up to next levels of succeeding.

But, I have to stop bowing before them spiritually – and letting them step on me.

Ultimately, their happiniss and well being is not my responsibility.

And if we cannot rise up, together – if they are pushing me underwater while I try to save them from drowning – this is not the best position for me.

It is hard to stay on dry land while observing others needing help treading their emotional seas.

Maybe at most, I can take out my boat and offer a lifeline for them to crawl out into the air and sit beside me.

It is a concept that has been held at bay while others leveraged positions above me – ridiculing my excellent efforts, while criticizing my merits.

I have just completed my second week at my new place of work, and I can easily say that I am beginning the foundation upon which I may rest at each day’s end, looking back and owning this word – with a grin.

Watching and waiting for that “right timing” that says, “Yes. Go now…”

This has been a long time coming – sensing stasis field on personality beginning to lessen its hold, as my mind begins breaking free from prior constraints.

Somehow, through my maintaining at least minimal awareness by tracking events and occurrences, I’ve managed to create a thread of consistent continuity inside me that pushes at the surface of this reality, squirming its way to fit through cracks and crevices, reaching into the light.

We have been the life-forces generating “electricity” which powers the old paradigms still gripping. They suppress our psychology while being dependent upon our compliance.

Their influence will fade away when we no longer give them our attention – as we side-step to smoother-flowing, relevant information that actually improves our states of being.

On the surface, we show others only pieces of who we can truly be.

Often times, it is easy for others to misread our intentions, mainly because they rarely ask for clarification and just input what they observe into their prebiased processing.

It’s a natural phenomena, and we all fall into doing it.

I am learning to communicate better – slowly and with much effort, as it is confusing while tripping over “thou shalt nots” in my own programming.

What I have found so far in my relationships is that I have been rejected because my prospective partners were not ready for what I offered.

And, part of me has felt that I have needed to hide what I want and need.

You could say, “He didn’t want you” and blame any of their lack of commitment to me being because I am “flawed.” I have certainly borne enough of this concept’s burden as I have watched each man choose to chase “simpler” things.

But, I think we are each made of combinations of tendencies, and our right partner is that someone with whom our own calibrations can blend into their paradigm more smoothly.

In other words, I need a guy who values my capabilities and is not threatened by the truths that I see. In fact, I need someone as eager as I am to see, understand, and desire fashioning better realities.

How will I recognize him, and he me, amid the tangle of so much mixed-messaging?

When we arrived here, I knew we were lucky to have a haven in nature – even if it meant our shower walls were crumbling and producing mold, the trailer was severely slanted, and winters were bitterly cold.

I determined to make the best of it and learned how to tend the land, attempted to fit in with the locals, and took command of our options.

But, as soon as we arrived, I felt way back then it was over for me and my fiance.

Something about my moving here to procure us a home, and maybe the hardships I’d endured dissuaded him. Maybe it was his exhaustion in holding on through everstretching unknowns. Maybe it was we were now so far from our dream of San Francisco.

I remember gazing out at the forest night through the kitchen window, catching a glimpse of my reflection – worn and haggard as the truth hit me hard before years since finally proved it.

Broken, I guess, was the feeling. For when you go beyond your best to create miracles where none existed before, being unwanted in your triumph is devastating.

It is no wonder I could not stomach doing the dishes and had anxiety when veering near cooking. Food insecurity equals uncertainty in ability to receive life’s nourishment.

I balked at having a desolate future.