“No longer brims.”
Cutting Ties
“To get into a place with bare minimums will so far be more expense for way less space.
I just don’t have the time to wait for something bigger and better.”
Internal Turmoil
Pain
Neglect
Resentment
Pressure
Fear
Insecurity
Lack
Limitation
Imperfection
Keeping Quiet
“To stay ‘even keeled.'”
“Sun Sprite”
(Warrior – Wishbone Ash)
(The Thing I Love – MAX & Andy Grammer)
Darn it, This Didn’t Post 9 Hours Ago
Goodnight,
Sweet Heart
Laughter In The Dark
“A love message says, ‘Let me mend your broken heart…’
How about, help me find a nice house that I can afford…”
The 80’s
“Baby!”
(Master And Servant – Depeche Mode)
“Stay On Target…!”
“Look out from behind!”
—
(Original Star Wars movie reference)
My Body Says,
“No more dressing for performance, today.
Time for house-hunting deep casual.”
It’s Kind-a Cute, Love
My favorite pair of soft sweat pants would fit you.
Un- Well,
“I guess this is the messiest my bedroom and bathroom have been…”
—
(Title play multiple meanings)
(Resenären – Kasbo)
Signs In Omens
“When I investigated the nice 2-bedroom unit, I found an expired lady bug in a bedroom window sill.
Normally, lady bugs mean good things to me.
So at first, seeing it was a potentially welcoming sign – yet I felt uneasy that it was dead.
I brought my youngest to see the unit later on in the day and discussed this as we found a second dead lady bug.
But then, my youngest found a third one trapped inside and still alive.
We set it free.”
(When You Close Your Eyes – Night Ranger)
Home
Me
Creativity
My animals
My plants
Gardening
My love
His needs
Family visits
Security
Privacy
“Eywa’s Greeting”
Compound PTSD
“I found a lovely 2-bedroom apartment yesterday, with the most amazing willow tree and grandparent pine behind the building.
The sun filters into the front in the morning, and comes through the rear windows for some streaking sky colors in the evening.
The wind comes in fresh from the mountains, and I did not hear even a peep from the neighbors when I went by – except for an end unit’s dog barking validly at my passing.
But when I returned at night to view it from a distance, something strange then caught me by surprise.
Someone acting weird in parking their nearby car, observing.
Too much exposure there for uninvited prying eyes.”
—
(Title of multiple meanings)
Under Pressure
“If I wait until the last minute, my wisteria will be fully into sap producing.
If I cut them now, I might be able to save them to take with me.
But I do not even know where I am going.
And everyone is pressuring me to leap prematurely.”
Tears
“So do I leave them and the fencing?
What if they die, anyway, becuse the new tenants don’t care for and water them?
What if the landlord just gets rid of them and the fencing, anyway?
The fencing is hard to replace for me and has traveled many moves and helped me.
The wisteria are my friends and beloved ‘babies.'”
No No No No No No No No
“I do not want to have to go cut my two wisterias that have grown so beautifully entwined through the fencing into their glorious magesty where they are about to bud and give me glorious blooms for the first time in abundance this year.
No, I do not want to cut them down to bare nubs so that I can hopefully transport them.
No, I do not want to cut theur roots that have pushed through their pottings’ base and have gone deep into ground for more nutrients.
No, I do not want to extremely shock and possibly kill them.
THEY DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!”
OMG
“I need more sleeeep.
And I’m dizzy as fu**…”
Panic
“At the ‘disco.'”
—
((Expressing feelings while playing with a band’s name)
Dearest,
I am in the zone where everything is breaking apart.
I am not used to thinking that I have value in a partner’s eyes when my life “crumbles.”
I am not used to being able to rely on a man to help me willingly and supportivrly when my life is teetering on the brink.
Especially if I can not give much back in return.
Therefore, I do not ask for nor reach for help.
It is like I am silently pleading for closeness, alignment, and collaboration inside – but then close this door so that even I cannot feel these needs.
I withdraw.
I muster.
I achily don my gear and reshoulder my shield, then stiffly swing my sword to try to limber up because there is work to be done.
Wind-Scattered
Time is ticking too fast for my needing to find a new place, pack, clean, and get help and hopefully support for these aspects while I am sick and trying to return to work asap to keep income flowing.
My Love,
I feel caught in a riptide, forced to focus on it, and it feels like it is sweeping me out to sea away from you.
I wish that you were here with me and we could discuss the whole situation.
I want to include you in these plans of my housing and overall future.
I want to know what you want for us and I want to try to align with you.
Without your input and co-guidance, I just have to default to how I know best to survive.
Fear and insecurity dominate, which cause me to retract further into solitude to manage myself and stay functional.
Goodnight,
Love
What The – ?! Harpy Eagle?
I’m Distressed
“It is one thing if one chooses to move from place to place as a matter of lifestyle.
But leaving here is leaving the last remnants of my family having shared a home.”
My Love,
I guess that we need not be surprised that it has been hard for us to figure out how best to begin with each other when we both have whole worlds inside of us.
Maybe we ought to not worry so much and just learn how to no longer restrict our connection while focusinh on developing keys to understanding our love languages?
(I’m Missing You – MDH)
Heartbeats
The Day We Moved In
Honey,
Was it that you had not wanted me to see you?
(The Working Hour – Tears For Fears)
Imma Ti-Ga!
(Panic On 5th Avenue – Triumvirat)
Social Battery
“Gary?!”
Corralling Dogs
I gotta go
You gotta stay
These are the rules
Outa my way
(Lady – STYX)
Love’s Nourishment
Still A Fav
Author’s Note
“My writings here might seem insignificant and/or cause reactions/judgements – and even sympathetic agreements…
But it is important to note that I usually do not speak this candidly out loud in public.
The filters are just too ingrained.
In fact, nearly every single entry has been a process whereby I have had to somehow circumvent one or another or a group of internalized self supression messages to allow myself to express.”
Candid Corvid Productions 