Month: December 2022

A sumptuously fluffy, soft and pristine-white throw blanket topped by a deep, blue-green velvet comforter snuggles around me while a copper-lined pillow lifts my head effortlessly as shadows from firelight ambitions dance-flicker upon the wall.

Spending money on holiday decorations for the house is both a daring expense and a rebirth of traditions buried when our family broke apart.

Perhaps our timing was daring, with the risk high and gambling. But it was worth our putting everything toward obtaining a good position in a receptive community.

I see a woman with a ten year old and two younger of his siblings, instructing him firmly while herd-corralling the younglings, and I shake my head slightly in acknowledgement of how heavy the burden she is managing.

To think, I raised two on my own trying to work with a husband with a disability. Hardships are not necessarily the issue – but whether or not you have a partnership of free-flowing collaborating.

The exhaustion now hitting me as if I have come out from a war zone leaves me reeling. Hypervigilance expended and edema resultant.

Was it the physical load or the psychological and emotional compression that was unrelenting?

I am thankful to the people, energetic nuances, and fine lines tweased that helped me slip between cracks to find our way home.

So why am I now having such a bad attitude? I think that I am angry that I had to go through this trial of faith by pressure and fire.

So what that I will now come out more honed as a diamond with more pure shine and less hiding my character!

I resent not having had a choice but to do what I had to in order to prove my grace.

Why? Why must I prove what I have always known, shown, and believed?

Why nail me to a wall so that I had to struggle more and show others by example how to endure to obtain reprieve?

Yes, things could have been worse – but for me, the trials were unnecessary!

I was already on my right path – although where we are now can give us better leverage.

My soul is starved – ravenous and outraged at having its own designs so heinously and intrusively thwarted!

Whether in the same home, from across the country, or on the other side of oceans, my partnerships with men have been long distance.

Rather than “Psychic,” at a glance I thought it said, “Psycho Tarot Readings.”

If you are told that you are beautiful, and given to tools and reinforcement to be beautiful, then even if it was not true before, you can become bold and beautiful. At what point does fantasy crossover into such reality?

The night before our new dawn.

A man can no longer mean to me as much as he has if he has not reciprocated my affections.

I am so paladin!

They do not seem to be enough.

But maybe, this time, they will be.

Figuring out a way to secure our new home, without relying on government assistance, is a challenge and proof that we intend to move beyond poverty.

We need each other.

There is just no way around it.

People who need government aid are no less worthy than business people who need client patronage.

None of us can exist in today’s societies without the help of our neighbor – whether near or far – except for a few hardcore isolationists.

And they need nature’s providence.

I dreamed that I was running effortlessly with no pain in my body, breathing deep and effectively, legs’ pace matching the ease in propulsion of motorcycles and cars streaming by, as I and my hound wove dirt pathways leading to and paralleling the rejuvenating river waters.

Today’s Definition: The right side muscles over lateral lower ribs creating a lean rippling effect when you contract them that lets you know your workout is at last turning a positive corner.

(Title references book by Madeleine L’Engle)

My life has been like a sampler plate of experiences.

I could dip my toe into the waters of situations – but jumping into them has rarely seemed right, and many did not seem to have sustainability built into them.

Therefore, I have often kept my commitments light and flexible – at first testing if opportunities are functional.