Where Are The Cheat Codes?

If I tell myself to approach the rebuilding tasks directly, the blocks prohibit.

But if I tell mysdlf that I am cleaning my room again to get back into music, they will lift.

And then, when I try to focus on making music, I will see the rebuilding tasks suddenly come clear because of intense dread, worry, and lack of stability.

And I will veer to attend to these tasks, one after another – each time by beginning to attempt to work on progressing in music.

For I am amazing at self sacrificing when the days must be saved.

But maybe, after more months and months of rebuilding…maybe someday I can begin to actually reinsert music for real into my life again.

If the rent gets caught up and we don’t lose our housing.

And I don’t keep slipping farther behind in recovering from injuries, rather than regaining my strength.

And then, when that brief moment of feeling safe and hopeful at last reenters my life again and I think that I can finally focus on my art, another drastic emergency will knock me back down again.

And the cycle will start all over…

Only with less strength to carry on.