Author: Candid Corvid Productions

What was funny was that she had meant to pack her roll-on scent focusing on devotion,  but somehow instead found inserted “Love Draw” potion – which she had not packed (or maybe had packed, previously) and had not wanted to apply.

But she had put this scent on, anyway – not feeling quite right about doing so, but wanting to smell nice and pretty.

The decision to invite, to prepare, and to show up had all been levels she’d had to traverse despite internal barriers.

She took a chance once there and asked a man if they knew each other.

He said no, she apologized for the mistake, and then distanced.

Nerves entering the dance floor, she began on the outskirts.

How was she to get into the groove, the rhythm at any given time in a room full of strangers?

How was he to find her among a sea of bobbing heads?

She couldn’t wait in the lounge like some ‘trick’ as if with a sign that said, “love for sale.”

So she stepped up to stand above the crowd on the farthest bench as she leaned against the wall and (quietly, assuredly, stoically) observed the participants subtly, focusing on the DJ while lightly skim-scanning for any trace of him in top to lower levels

Then, the man that she’d approached came and asked her to step down, as the event’s managers needed to keep other people from climbing up.

Thus, having announced her presence the best that she could, the only thing she could think of next to do was to find the pulse of the music.

So she spiraled in to the heart of the dancing crowd, feeling for the groove, and feeling for how to neutrally – yet joyously – share connection.

People came, and people left, and then she was with a good group, reflecting her spouts of expressive freedom and fun-loving energy in their own way, surging and expressing in ranging variety.

She could feel her zone syncing, and it felt good to be part of a collective positivity.

Had she helped influence them into carefree abandon by releasing her own self a bit in the darkened room, publicly?

Was it a group dynamic of right aligning in energetic perfect timing?

Then she saw him to her left…

A different man staring right at her and smiling every time she glanced his way.

She kept smiling back, feeling able to do so with her eyes cloaked behind her spiffy sunglasses – making her braver than she could have been without them.

Yet it felt like he could see right through them, and they kept strong-connecting as he’d watch her eyes search for, find, and then briefly look intently back at him.

There was communication going on between them in a language that she had never spoken with another on that wavelength before.

And every time she would glance toward his way, his eyes were locked onto her, and she wanted more.

But the crowd’s surging and patterns of dancing took him farther away from her.

And the people he was with seemed to form a type of inadvertent barrier toward her approaching him or his reaching for her.

And the DJ’s constant music interruptions began aggrivating her sense of harmony, making her have to work too hard to keep adjusting to maintain her sphere.

And her limbs had been too good for too long and she was pretty sure that she was likely about to be causing damage.

Go outside for air…

Just recover a bit and then you can go back inside and try to find him, again…

As she carefully climbed steps from the dance floor, passed through the lounge, and then exited the building, she confirmed with the door person that she could re-enter and luckily found an outside chair to sit upon.

A different man she’d seen earlier inside came to inspect the food cart in front of her, turned slightly to assess her and maybe initiate conversation, but then left her alone.

Observing this as if from a too far distance, she found herself frozen upright stiff and solid in a granite-type body language guarding, warding off others’ energy in a self protectuve lockdown.

Shock.

She was surprised to find that she was in a state of shock.

It just hit her hard as a solid awareness once she was able to stop moving her body and disconnect from social process.

Was it from overexertion?

Or was it from possibly seeing him – but his hands were around the waist of another person?

If it had been him, the feelings suddenly inside wrenched at her.

She had thought what they had was beyond special.

That it was sacred.

Just between the two of them.

Inviolate.

But the messages on any count were still unclear and confusing – whether it had really been him dancing with others, or whether he had remained secluded in the shadows – or even if he had not been there at all, in the first place.

She had offered, extended – yet still had no real answer returned.

Bumped further off of her track hard by this sudden system shutdown, all she could do was gather her dignity elegantly and retreat back to her car.

Back to the safety of prior knowns.

Back to where she could tend to her recovery, and could focus on nursing her wounds.

“Overall, the prospect of at last meeting him, getting dressed up, and going out on the town to go dancing had been exilarating!”

“If I start yelling, I’m just gonna keep on yelling at this point – so I need to not yell.”

“My things are scattered now between car and home.

Went straight from the trip back into crisis and work.

The dishes are piled higher, still dirty, with more dust on furniture and grime on floors.

Monday saw agency denial and Tuesday pending eviction’s next step throws.

But my new training is beginning to find ways to integrate and show up on its own.

And I have learned more about my capacities for loving beyond boundaries – yet my integrity ever struggles to remain at the fore.”

—

(Title movie Bladerunner reference)

“The question has come up generally, so I will answer it plainly – keeping in mind to let it be noted that there are many other things and aspects that I also desire to have included and added throughout time.

But to bare, basic desired necessities building the bedrock of good partnership in relationship with me:

1. Amazing, deeply intimate and evolving, groundbreakingly-hot sexual mutual feedings.

Yes, I said it.

There are integral reasons for this – not the least of which includes providing a forum for creating deep trust and soul bonding through developing a shared love language.

2. Absolute, unwavering commitment to each other and the relationship first and foremost, yet also taking into consideration other life aspects.

3. The creation and maintenance of an excellent, adjusting-to-needs system of productively and positively reinforcing communication.

4. Monogomous fidelity.

5. Shared vision.

More to be added, yet these are core essentials whereupon a blueprint for enduring success becomes a guide.”

3:45AM and finally to bed.

I think that’s the problem.

I keep pushing

But, then again, how else can I win unless I keep up my momentum?

(Crashes and burns)