“Perhaps there is a type of depression that occurs when one is continually thwarted in accessing their synergy as a result of injuries.
But I was already there for every else’s struggles, helping them to overcome them.
Now, who is helping and nurturing me?
Feeling compromised doesn’t seem just reward for all of my past supporting.
Yet, independence helps give illusion that I am ‘still standing.’
Does all of this reinforce self determination?
Is that why isolation digs in more deeply?”
“It’s like I’m not allowed to have or keep anything that I want.”
Prepping for attending the concert had been a joyous occasion to look forward to.
“It’s not that I can’t see things to do, but that a huge wall of fatigue and deep internal disappointment has caught up with me.
While I have maneuvered difficulties toward directions that can ultimately benefit, it just seems that my drive has shorted.”
“It used to be that I had to wait for others in my family to give them a chance to catch up, but I could often see where they were going and what they needed, so even in going slower, I had a sense of purpose.
But for myself now, it just feels like I’m being held down from performance, and I’m not sure what to pinpoint to clear cobwebs from my perception – which is unusual.
I used to always find a path and reason .”
“‘I repeat myself when under stress, I repeat myself when under stress…’- lyrics I repeat again from a King Crimson song.
You see I’ve lost a lot, and the gains I’ve made – though incredible in their own way – just don’t seem to heal the damage.”
She had traveled to where they used to have a specialist, but all that was left of the structure was its foundation.
“She was the one we eventually learned we could count on.”
“My heart…my heart doesn’t have what it needs.”
How each individual
And group of people
Picked on and tugged
At what glued them
Because of jealousy, envy,
Or misplaced sense of duty
But ultimately the couple
Failed because he gave in
No matter what she tried or accomplished, it seemed limited without the cleansing fires of a true pair bonding.
She could only summon her glamour after much focused application.
Then it soon resolved to ashes, as if she had never existed.
She kept to herself because she no longer believed it was possible that a man would want her in all of her glory.
“Think of me, when you are out there, alone in your prime and uncertain,
Remember that I believe in you, for I arose from my ashes and witnessed.
And know that we are both worthy, as a good man and woman were meant to be.”
He smoothly walked past the two of them for casual observation, noting the woman in red-gold splendour with her beloved grown child beside her.
She could tell he had recently showered as his hair hung in smooth, coiled ringlets, and his masculine meditation clued he was deep in preparation.
“When we are alone, there is only the self to turn to, seeking ways that we could be and imagining conversations/experiences that we wish we could have with others.”
Regal and elegant
Strongly prevailant
Yet shattered frail
It was commented to me upon describimg my healing therapies to another practitioner that it must be wonderful that I can perform these techniques upon myself to further my own healing.
But this isn’t the case because the type of damage I experienced blasted apart nerve and fascial fibers throughout my body, and even my muscles feel on constant edge of further separation-tearing.
No one has ever described these kinds of injuries before that I know of.
It’s as if parts of me just bamphed into another reality upon impact, leaving ghost remnants in zone patches in the present, and the rest of me is trying to pull itself back together while those blast zones keep glitching and phasing.
An incredible pain load can make the body crave equal or greater stimulus of pleasure and comfort.
We hold onto and revisit the past, not knowing what we could reach for and have in the future.
“Somewhere out there, there’s a timeline where my once husband did not have injuries that took away his amazing physicality; we toured the world on motorcycles, feeling wild and free; and we kept our family together by love’s enduring fidelity.”
After his amazing, high energy show last night, today finally feels like a real Sunday.
Last night my youngling and I saw Elderbrook live at the Roseland Theater, Portland.
I got dressed up in firebird red and gold layers, phoenix belt, and sparkling light reflecting aspects with accent hair clip feathers.
We sat in the ADA section because my hip had acted up again and my youngling had just acquired a foot injury, making our arriving there challenging.
But this did not stop us from sitting – then standing in place while cheering, zagreeting, and dancing!
We got to see Vandelux first as a wonderful bonus – and Elderbrook’s show was AMAZING!!!
She could see the good and potential in people, and she never played coy keep away games to get a man to have to earn her.
She just just loved with an open heart and invested without ego or judging one.
And she wondered if this was why men felt that they could easily take her for grantef.
(Title ref to phrase, “A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush.”)
“I had not known they were protecting me.”
“I guess we are all just riffing off of others’ art in one form or another that inspires our own evolution.”
Pleasure vs pain
Hear: we go again
Supposed dichotomy
But merely positioning
Connected by a cord of
Reflexive self definition
Any loss is heart breaking
And love is allowed purity
Extremes are not the only
Dictate for experiencing
Goodness in charity does
Not have to be dust-pasty
And heat’s revivalism does
Not need Hell’s propagating
For sweet to know bitter
Doesn’t need bittersweet
“Just because I hear it does not mean I have to get up, yet!”
“Some lovers demand a sacrifice
A constant bloodletting fealty
An all-consuming codependency
Where the host feeds its parasite
Maybe that’s why wild magic and I tease
We are both independent, refuse shackling
Like tiny, willful dragonlets landing briefly
Transfixing and coaxing our souls’ release
But what am I without form’s definition?
And what is a song without lips to sing?
It seems we are caught up in an impasse
Forced to build trust while intertwining”
“Will there come a day when wild magic comes to my bidding, reminding me what I should always know, allowing me to keep and create freely?
For now, I’m as a broken oracle, unformed and yet reforming where there should always remain something…
I am a mouthpiece nightingale, mutely seeking melodies that feed, arriving one moment to consume me – then flying away again, leaving me starving.”
By Athena Stairs, March 20, 2025 – Sleep Token Influence
Hear me out
I’ve got a boundary
I should have set before
Hear me out
No you can’t be
Coming to my front door
Hear me out
You say its not a sin
But I can’t give more
And all you think to do
Is lie and make me blue
Hear me out
Hear me out
Oh
If you could tell the truth
We’d have something to choose
Hear me out
Thats what you said before to me
You promised that we could be free
But then you went and said her name
And now its driving me insane
You never had any belief
You only steal the things you keep
And tear apart what we could make
You only know how to forsake
Hear me out
(Tbc…)
As the patient.
For blasted.nerve ends to regrow and torn fascia structures to amend.
“If a man hedges the line about anything – but most importantly, in how he addresses fidelity – this calls into question his ability to speak and act truthfully and responsibly, creating cracks in any trust he tries to keep building.”
“I already tended to elders, watching them whither in their later years.
I already witnessed vitality of adult youth taken much too soon and experienced caretaking a half life barely being lived.
Now as death surrounds me of beloved companion familars, I experience myself further caught in-between realms.
Nerve-endings painfully screaming, high energy sizzle-crackling at frayed synaptic tips.
Torn joints and muscle fibets struggling to reconnect while disconnecting defensively in response to every attempted movement’s overstim.
Spinal cord compressions tensing from contorting, weakened fascial tissues and shorting out my system struggling to keep producing any beneficial productivity.
I am just describing the microcosm of the seemingly unrelenting, next-level personal hell I keep fighting against to push it back behind daily consciousness to just breath and exist in any given moment.
I am living what is a preamble to a type of aging functional decay, while masking and doing my best to simulate walking and normal interactions.
I swear – there better be a HUGE payoff down the line for this painful continuum’s suffering.
I keep living my life fragmented, out of step with the normal patterns of time’s unfolding.”
