Author: Candid Corvid Productions

Where exactly is that break in psychology, that crimp in self confidence which brings on a sense of deep shame for brilliantly expressing the unique – rather than rewards the soul with righteousness?

Stepping up into the game, risking ire of social nonapproval, the maverick wins by overcoming rules and regulations to stand beside others as a proven and worthy champion.

The road to truth is a hard one, and I do not want to burst anyone’s bubble.

I do not understand this dominance inside of me – that which feels destined to claim rightful ascendance.

It wants to roughly push aside competition for a great love, written as destined.

The innocent and ignorant can get caught up in a wave – just like the obsessed and determined – as an affect of the resultant hive mind in any given larger population.

The complex of a heart-battered woman-child can dominate emotions beyond one body’s containment – beyond, even, psychic restrainment:

“You were meant for me!” she wails at the window between scenes.

“Why am I abandoned – when someone else undeserved and untried gets to have the greatest prize?” she cries on the curb of an open street.

“Why am I attached to you if we are not to be?!”

Sounds of a trapped soul’s sobbing struggles caught in forlorn ruminations dominate the airways of a couple’s once content tranquility.

I just called attempting to cancel and refund the money to prior agency, but Oxford said that they can hold my classes indefinitely.

Ok, then…

Well…

Let’s “put a pin in it” – shall we?

I can feel the crossroads pulling at me, tearing apart my seams.

I had this dream of learning TEFL to aid in my traveling.

But, it was also associated with my ex-fiance – and then could have transferred to my newly acknowledged longterm love interest’s situation.

I dislike closing myself off to knowledge.

Much like I dislike not finishing my bachelor’s degree.

But, if I do not choose wholeheartedly to open up to my creativity, it has no way to truly embrace my being.

I must choose.

I must leap.

Even if the ones I wish to impress turn away from me.

What I have inside that I can offer may manifest exponentially.

I am an out-of-the-box thinker/dreamer, yet I usually have some direction.

Lately, days come and go and I feel like I cannot see beyond the next corner until I turn it.

This is startling to me because what I find as I turn seems often to be what I ought to have expected.

Maybe my mind is recalibrating.

Maybe I am dealing with accrued costs that for years of just surviving, I had deflected.

I feel like there are blinders over my eyes while my instincts keep pushing to follow that scent of farther off sweet grasses.

However, maybe I need the blinders on for now. The hood over a hawk’s head keeps it from flying away – especially when it is injured and needs to heal.

My heart pounds for the racing as that of a thoroughbred; my lungs ache for the rush of a high-diving soar.

But, perhaps I am supposed to wait and let the tide return to carry me – so I no longer paddle myself to near death in order to reach another far off shore.

Maybe it is due to the most recent unresolved infection, but this week, my impetus is lagging. I just do not care enough to tackle more project responsibility.

Last week was hardcore pushing the boulder up the mountain for rent with little flex elsewhere to apply money toward needs. This week with low client scheduling, the effect is similar now that rent has emptied the bank.

I am following through on attending healthcare appointments and showing up where I need to. I think that doing work laundry at home late into evenings has eaten the rest buffer I was trying to adhere to.

I had tried to get a linen service to lighten the burden, but they are delaying set up of my account due to lack of drivers. And my efficient method of once-a-week at the laundromat got  nixed because we needed food vs. this expenditure.

So, I am cutting back more and more on external energy outputs. I have even cut back work hours in an attempt to bring in smooth workflow that is manageable and predictable.

I have not finished my taxes, though I did file an extension. I tried calling to cancel my Oxford TEFL training, but when I did, their number had been conscripted by some other advertising agency.

I want to just dive into my script and creativity – and shove everything else that is paper oriented right off of the table.

Why do I stay attached to past attempts at advancement if I am no longer willing nor able?

Is it due to fear because Covid interrupted our freedom of movement?

I find that my psychology is currently inflexible and my wings are feeling feeble.

Love has inspired much of what I have accomplished in life, yet my attachments were pattern-linked to far off horizons where my intended has not been available.

Having realized end of 2020 that I have always loved yet another from a distance – and then having the force of that plug into my system – I have been struggling to cut love off like an arm.

But I need the limb, so my heart has deflated.

And I find my id kick-paddling on an innertube in a circle around a pond without motivation.

It just seems so unappealing.

Going out to meet strangers I would know nothing about.

I save that kind of external energy output for clients.

What I need is nourishment and healing.

Dating is not set up to provide soothing.

I would rather spend time with my family.

Every minute I have is precious.

Even if I am sleeping.

I wonder what having star patterns on the skin means. Perhaps they are marks of destiny.

There is the hope that this time, maybe trauma will purge from my system and leave me in peace. At least, this is what other healers are encouraging is happening.

Worth more than offhand treatment.

A friend suggested today that experiencing deep betrayal does not need to be attached to my self worth.

I quipped, “Tell that to the woman who finds herself sold on the slave block!”

For that is how it felt when my ex left me and I watched all that I had created crumble to dust.

(Although I shall reflect upon the wisdom of this essentially-needed differentiation.)

If you don’t bring the banana, you will want the banana.

But,

If you bring it, you won’t eat it – and it will smell up the car.

How many people have gotten drawn into the world of loving you? Yet, not many have been worthy…

I wanted to take the dogs with me today, but then this would open chaos when I need to stay focused and make it on time to appointments.

Plus, I would need to seek parking in the shade and having “the children” with me is like managing a parade while keeping them fed and watered.

I must remind myself that they are fine, though, with the stay-at-home routines, and not bringing them lightens my load for everything.

I am still realizing how grueling it had been for me that for the last year and a half I had to always control their behaviors to keep housing.

It takes a while for a man to mature – but then again, this is similar for a woman.

My body tells me it is days, weeks, and years past my bed time. Someday, maybe, rejuvenation will catch up with me.

I feel like my days just roll into each other, one after another, without stop or rest as I am put to the test.

It is like training one’s psychology to accept something new and learning to flex so one can overcome past associative hurdles, as well as be able to expand into new frontiers.

But, how does one receive reassurance that new trust is reliable before and while time’s experience proves it is viable?

There needs to be inclusive communication.

Being unloved within a relationship is ten times worse than being alone without a relationship.

I just wish that on this side of things, I could actually feel relief.

I think the chemicals in the bath tub plastic have been making me swell.

(Title of multiple meanings)

Sticky.

It’s so damn sticky.

Go ahead.

Give me a purgative.

It would be a relief to rid myself of it!

“Do not tell me what or how to think and believe – unless you intend to prove to me something different than what I have experienced, and that I, too, can be blessed to be Human.”

I tried, Lord.

You saw me reach.

I ripped open the veil and awoke.

But, he kept going…

And others interfered with the deer.

Then, they blamed him for being the one who slew.

He was Good – had done no wrong.

And all I could do was “see” when it was happening.

I was prevented from saving him.

I could only preserve and nourish the remnants.

Needs and desires promised by birth to be fulfilled ache all the more to be fed and quenched when delayed and denied.

Hostility towards compulsion.