Author: Candid Corvid Productions

I was on a leading wave, trying to navigate by instincts that could not find their answering ping because the one I was looking to meet had not arrived – and would not for awhile, yet.

So I left Santa Barbara, turning away from the call to search in South California, and returned home to focus efforts on raising some beautiful children.

Time’s reflection shows how much we have all grown

Helping out a peer today, I found that at the end of the session I felt extremely vulnerable.

I guess I hoped she would count me as a friend.

When there is insecurity in the household, a mother’s duty has been to put on hold the personal self care aspects that she needs.

But when her children are grown enough to care more for their selves, it becomes her obligation to reclaim that which defines her own identity.

Would an extrovert appreciate an introvert?

However, I am external in specific situations.

It isn’t that I need more classes, but that I need time to practice and develop my skills further.

If I leave this site as it is and switch over to just posting photos and videos in Instagram, how then would I externalize my thought expression?

It seems I am reaching the limit of my free storage space.

Ever on the horizon,
Blessed if overhead:

If it weren’t for your light,
My heart would be dead

But this time, I blared my horn ahead of time – even though that driver wasn’t paying attention either and still started drifting into me!

Are they tourists unfamiliar with the territory?

The places where these incidences were happening seems pretty simple navigating.

Am I rattled?

Definitely a bit miffed that I had the full weight of responsibility put upon me to make sure we avoided the accident.

What’s funny is I spoke to my eldest about how in driving I check three times before I commit, and this is how I avoid accidents.

The driver wasn’t as careful and luckily, I was aware enough to notice this.

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!

I blared my horn as I slammed on the brakes while controlling as I swerved my car to a stop into the right bike lane.

The driver of the merging vehicle from the grocery store parking lot had forgotten that I existed as I made sure that they narrowly missed me – instead of wrecking both of our vehicles.

Skid marks and my worn tires tell the tale, though the driver just kept going – possibly oblivious.

The labradorite stone that represented me and went missing for several months returned to my hands today.

Apparently, it had slipped from my pocket and then slid into the side of a chair’s cushion at a couple’s home whom I highly esteem.

Having glimpsed aspects of their relationship time and again, I have considered theirs a positive example of how I would like my future partnering with my own beloved to be.

I was elated to see it again and view its return as important symbolically.

My eldest soothed me yesterday by reminding me that in Elvin years, I would be an adolescent and that they are proud to have inherited some of my woodland grace.

It makes me so happy to be “seen” and loved by them, and for my children and I to be reunited!

I don’t like being past age fifty. Look at how outdated society is trying to pidgeonhole me?

“Yesterday” I was still deemed “viable:” someone to be counted on – reliable.

As long as I was in my fourties, I could still look for someone compatible with youth running in their veins and like will to tame the untameable.

Now, even in the dating apps I am relegated to finding men older than me, barred from finding the mirror image of my soul’s thrumming vitality!

She had wanted to hide her maturity for fear of being judged by it.

But now she was trying to redefine what her own truth meant to her.

The lines under my eyes are turning into exotic patterns, like Persian artistry proving my life’s accomplishments.

I have hidden my pain and dissappointment underneath a cheerful smile.

I save what little veneer I have left to lift others’s days for awhile.

I have never been injured as such, nor had to account for previously experienced injuries at such levels.

It is odd and discouraging to feel so much pain, pressure, and disorientation.

But I think the less that I resist the process, the easier and perhaps quicker shall be my recovering.

Yeah, tell this to my instincts, where fighting has been what ensured our survival!

It is temporary at best for a soul as mine which always quests.

I ought to not panic when I feel my abilities checked – but simplify so that I can squeeze through the eye attempting to exclude my entry.

The answer is not there anyway, but here: I must begin with all that I hold dear.

And focus on physical rehabilitation while gardening to get this year’s seedlings planted.

It took awhile for her to recognize her potential was real and worthy.

Developing in a suppressive atmosphere had reinforced others’ negativity.

The rules and laws of society are meant to help guide the majority – but should not harm individuality.

Violence is like a disease: contagious among cells within a community – and self-destroying.

As I reflect upon how I have rallied for true love and fought for it unreservedly, I realize that it burdens to keep yearnimg for a partner.

I went to a movie with a neighbor this evening.

Dashed home first with five minutes to spare to change my outfit and curl the bangs of my hair.

We had a lovely evening laughing to the reactions of the crowd at poignant moments in Star Wars: The Empre Strikes Back.

We enjoyed ostalgia from when it first came out back when we were teens; i ducked in and out to watch at different levels while waiting on the popcorn machine; and being up off to the right side in the balcony above it all was serene.

Every day, effort goes out or inward, resources come in and then go outward, and what I plan unfolds minute by minute as I walk into the unknown future.

Looking back now, I chide muself over thinking that I could bridge between two worlds to claim a husband that I could keep.

Pushing any resources that I had to get to Egypt and back to follow through with three years of two attempts to get a marriage visa approved during Trump years was an extreme hardship and pressure on me.

I just wonder now, “What was I thinking?”

I don’t regret that I tried.

I was brave, true, and valiant.

I just hate feeling deflated and humiliated that my efforts became wasted.

How can I be in more than one place at once? I must ground in this reality to build self trust.

She was untrained, uncentered, undisclipined, and uncooperative.

Add to this “on fire,” pissed off, belligerent, and more than mildly aggressive – and she was not in the best condition for him to want to be linked with her.

She didn’t understand what was happening between them nor why she felt such a strong compulsion to be next to him.

But, she realized her internal reactivity was not helping either of them – and that at the very least, she should not be allowing the churning emittance to affect and distract him.

So she turned to other healers, trying to assuage the turmoil inside and realized she was also suffering from that table’s chop-to-the-neck right occipital concussion two Christmas seasons ago when the chair slipped out from under her.

The poor girl was dealing with multiple physical traumas to neck and shoulders with resulted in complex pressures against her vagus nerve.

Yet, still, she sought the inner strength to take this jagged energy further into herself and create a neutral barrier to buffer between her and the man she held esteem for.

It takes a while to realize by degrees that we are in a better place now where life is interacted with more sensibly.