I was watching a video recently which described obsession as like being caught in a trance.
I wasn’t worried about being obsessed – but realize I have been caught in a trance:
Trauma-drama; focus on project after project completion; isolation reinforcing isolation; and a whole lot of internal negative messaging of “though shalt nots” are trying to keep me “on the fence.”
There is something magical to at last lying down in the evening and letting the self release the weight of obligations and duties that it has been carrying.
Like a fed up mare taking the bit between her teeth and running headstrong into the wind, when a migraine pounds unrelentingly upon my system, I cannot lie down and let it take me in its vized grip – but toss my head and fight against it to regain any precious freeborn inch.
I have to say…it does not take the pain away.
When pain wracks my system from physical therapy retriggering migraine spasms, tension strains every fiber of my being.
We reach for the most “impossible” dreams – and because we do, we sometimes achieve them.
While others focus upon great deeds, popularity, looks, and achievements, I look deeper into the matrix which connects all of this together.
Who is the man behind the scenes? What does he truly value and ascribe toward being? And, do these aspects align with my values and beliefs?
“All I know is that I have been guided to connect with you.”
If this is what I choose to do, and these things are whar I choose to pursue, I must no longer listen to doubts nor allow self recriminations.
It is more about maturity and wisdom – discovering the confidence to stand by your convictions.
To stave off loneliness, we fill our heads with it.
In our home quad’s sanctuary, many birds of wild and domestic variety now gather to usher in spring with their boisterous songs and warbling.
I am finding that I like lighting along the kitchen that sources from under chin level and points down onto the counters.
This creates a calm, relaxed ambience with no light bombarding my head, yet I can easily see what I am cleaning and/or prepping.
This also creates a sense of safe, private intimacy for the romantic in me.
Drawn into innocence
Preserving beginnings
Before time capsule
Prevented atrocities,
Awaiting indication
Of another like her –
As confirmed,
Seal releases.
Once I get my roots under me, I pop up – like a daisy.
I have to do a hard reset detachment to get my mind to let go of these difficult projects after reengaging.
None of them are straight forward and often lead down convoluted pathways defying completion.
I am designed to love, and it is up to me to decide who is worthy for me to invest in and support wholeheartedly as a woman who has earned this choosing.
Sucked into whirlpools
Frustrating without end:
Beurocratic relegation –
Which if personal rends
Internal tidal paradoxes
Forcefully swirling bends
Of psychology now unstable,
Where if completed amends.
What we seek in dreams and fantasies may look different in reality – yet, it may have the strength to last beyond a lifetime.
Four years of facial exercises after thyroid weightloss drop and various hardships and my face is beginning to look like myself, again.
It’s been a challenging journey.
Hello beautiful.
In order to individuate despite pressures of societal messaging, I developed away from trends of mainstream to where with current media conformitism, it remains hard to “fit in.”
But, being a clone was overrated to begin with.
I think I would have them no matter the situation.
I mean, don’t we all have some standard insecurities?
It’s finding partnership I can trust to be able to work through these.
Some things just don’t present, unless challenged.
Note the rainbow aura of the sun, center of photo. The clouds around and the sun look like an eye assessing the landscape and prism. The rearview mirror to lower right allows a glimpse of what the eye sees behind us, further.
One thing about surviving innovatively is that you don’t often cross paths with similar manifesters because you are all busy creating in your own scenes.
Noticing the cider pub was still open due to recently extended hours, I stopped in for my rare treat, favorite pineapple blend and two snifter tasters of cider slushy.
The one with the rose added was 5% and blended smoothly (my pick of the eve), while the one with 8% and hibiscus had a flavorful bite-kick to it.
Hip hop romance music with the guy singing about his girl crew, etc., and stunt bicycling on the big screen while chatting with the low-key evening bartender who remembered me was relaxing.
No pressure to socialize or being hit upon by easy players and/or desperados, nor overt competition from the latest gaggle of hussies.
Just some college kids returning their sample trays with friendly politeness, and the rest of the scene openly inviting.
While dealing with this mess and clearing debris, I am beginning to reach out and make contacts.
Gravity becomes a heavy reality, and there is much scurrying to find cover while hunkering for recovery.
It is a strange phenomenon to meet people online and by texting who are willing to play a part to gain whatever it is that they want to gain, yet once they have “tried on” what they thought they wanted – or have led you down a wrong lane – they no longer play the part, yet still want to keep you clinging.
It must be about attention – both in the giving and receiving. The acting out and believing. The imagination creating scenarios to which someone is cleaving.
Perhaps there is a rush to it – much like in acting: from nothing now becomes something.
(Title reference to the animation series)
