Category: A Woman’s Plight

A Woman's Plight

Having To Let Go, Again

Candid Corvid Productions

“In the dream’s outdoor piling at night, I came across my ex’s blue jean jacket with the thick white inner lining.

I recognized it by feel first, rather than sight.

And having forgotten about it simply from lack of prior reexposure to it over time, I grasped it and pulled it to me, marveling at its feel, its neutral yet almost leather smell from motorcycle and auto fumes, and remembered when I wore it proudly.

Then my ex came out looking for something and I handed it to him.

Recognition and his own memories arrived in his gaze, and I hugged him tightly with it in between us.

It symbolized so many things, both personal and as a couple, long before our course had been brutally diverted.

I guess that moving from this last family home is going to bring up and create some sad goodbye memories.”

A Woman's Plight, Nature

Tears

Candid Corvid Productions

“So do I leave them and the fencing?

What if they die, anyway, becuse the new tenants don’t care for and water them?

What if the landlord just gets rid of them and the fencing, anyway?

The fencing is hard to replace for me and has traveled many moves and helped me.

The wisteria are my friends and beloved ‘babies.'”

A Woman's Plight, Nature

No No No No No No No No

Candid Corvid Productions

“I do not want to have to go cut my two wisterias that have grown so beautifully entwined through the fencing into their glorious magesty where they are about to bud and give me glorious blooms for the first time in abundance this year.

No, I do not want to cut them down to bare nubs so that I can hopefully transport them.

No, I do not want to cut theur roots that have pushed through their pottings’ base and have gone deep into ground for more nutrients.

No, I do not want to extremely shock and possibly kill them.

THEY DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!”

A Woman's Plight, Where Demons Tread

Dearest,

Candid Corvid Productions

I am in the zone where everything is breaking apart.

I am not used to thinking that I have value in a partner’s eyes when my life “crumbles.”

I am not used to being able to rely on a man to help me willingly and supportivrly when my life is teetering on the brink.

Especially if I can not give much back in return.

Therefore, I do not ask for nor reach for help.

It is like I am silently pleading for closeness, alignment,  and collaboration inside – but then close this door so that even I cannot feel these needs.

I withdraw.

I muster.

I achily don my gear and reshoulder my shield, then stiffly swing my sword to try to limber up because there is work to be done.

A Woman's Plight, Where Demons Tread

My Love,

Candid Corvid Productions

I feel caught in a riptide, forced to focus on it, and it feels like it is sweeping me out to sea away from you.

I wish that you were here with me and we could discuss the whole situation.

I want to include you in these plans of my housing and overall future.

I want to know what you want for us and I want to try to align with you.

Without your input and co-guidance, I just have to default to how I know best to survive.

Fear and insecurity dominate, which cause me to retract further into solitude to manage myself and stay functional.

A Woman's Plight

Author’s Note

Candid Corvid Productions

“My writings here might seem insignificant and/or cause reactions/judgements – and even sympathetic agreements…

But it is important to note that I usually do not speak this candidly out loud in public.

The filters are just too ingrained.

In fact, nearly every single entry has been a process whereby I have had to somehow circumvent one or another or a group of internalized self supression messages to allow myself to express.”