Category: A Woman’s Plight

She desired a man whose values were sound and consistent – no matter the venue.

The dreams were full of scenarios, including betrayal of trust and rejection, as well as examining belonging and reclaiming one’s sense of self.

In one, she was suddenly being kicked out from a home where she’d been allowed access to a bed and bathroom – but still took a stand on her own behalf as she left, citing the original contract agreement to protect herself.

In another scenario, she was surprised when one of the crew members leaned toward her from the side, silently offering his comfort’s warm shelter for her to absorb, which broke the cold, catatonic shock she fell into when her ex (turned narcisist) appeared across from them, haughtily righteous in his self assertions.

Next, she was on a central street island in some downtown, leaning back on the ground and taking in happenings around her while people watching – but decided that she wasn’t going to be a street gypsy successfully living on the fringe as her life pattern.

And in the fourth, she confronted her ex’s free-loading absence of providing rent while he used drugs and engaged with other women – as she struggled against strong emotions pushing her into hysteria and gave him final notice to be moved out in two weeks, by August.

This last dream’s timeline synced up with current reality’s timeline – which is interesting in context of evicting love’s prior unsuitable tenants to make room for better future partnership.

“I’m not sure what is needed to obtain any.

I mean, I keep trying to show up and accomplish what is needed.

Remnants of me appear in the moment.

I don’t know if I am developing an anxiety complex, or if I’m just constantly overextending and, therefore, unable to maintain sense of endurant capability.

Am I sleep deprived?

It feels like I’m out of faith and just depleted.

Are my adrenals exhausted?

A lot keeps happening that I keep adjusting and adapting to.

Yet, I keep expecting to catch up to myself,

And I am not sure that this is happening.”

“This is why I refused to date while single-parenting.”

(All of it)

Why was it that men who were attracted to the mother but were rebuffed would then attempt to molest her child?

How would you have known
Had I not shown you my face?

There was a peace in
Living on the outskirts

I understand a bit now why
Some people stay homeless

And why they no longer seek
Connections to family or society

Although I do not think that this is
Something I needed to experience

In order to have
Compassion

Hear me – oh you innocents!
Identify the demons within!

Play out the pattern interactions
Determine on these if compatible

For if their demons will eat yours
Hard battles are foretold in future!

“What he wanted was freedom.

Any attempt to have a healthy relationship with him would get burned to the ground.”

(Title play with words)

“I shouldn’t have been trying to repare and rebridge.

The costs had broken tenability, and my body and soul kept fighting my attempts at healing with him.

But I just couldn’t accept the losses and costs, and I wanted to go back to Eden.

Yet, it was burnt to cinders – with a devil in the vissage of a man who once loved me dancing through them, playing through my mind in awoken nightmares.”

“And I had wondered why, after the fact, too much heat would come out into counseling sessions.

And these women kept siding with him, as he played the rational ‘victim.'”

“It couldn’t now just be about violation transgressions enacted before and then abandonment; thereafter, every single wrong we were subjected to due to our resultant exposed vulnerability combined and seethed in my outraged bloodstream.”

“I don’t even know how we got through the many layered gaps slipping us further and further down into hell – except to say that, sometimes, gravity has its ‘benefits.’

Set up accusations for ‘squatting;’ a contract for slumming wedged between alcoholics and drug addicts; and the illusion of grace by indenturement to a sociopathic narcicist.

These were called ‘reparations…'”

Being ripped from the
Fabric of decency and

Shoved out to the streets
Stripped of titled ranking

Was no way to thank for
Years of service devotion.

“I wonder when I will be able to focus on me.”

“Not a fan of it.”

If there’s “too much water under the bridge,”
Over time, the bridge may get swept away.

“Intangibles are now intolerable!”

And because she’d always witnessed men in love walking away, she had thought that to turn generational tides, the solution would be if she endured and stayed, no matter what.

He had to remember and wake up again, someday.

And if she left, he’d forget – and their love would forever be lost.

But you can’t change a man’s mind once it’s locked.

She should have somehow realized this, from the start.

She was pregnant with their 2nd, having lost the first way before term.

They were living in Santa Barbara briefly, in the bottom half of a large house high up on the crest edge overlooking.

One night, they even saw a rocket launching from Vandenburg, pluming its bright light into the glories of Heaven.

She listened to Sarah McLachlan’s album “Surfacing,” praying for the day that he would, holding tight to him, although he didn’t seem to want her company.

She never got the chance to have a real conversation with him, and feared his rejection and shutting down everything if she tried.

So she just sang in the kitchen opening her heart to the universe in welcoming and trying to fashion a way through, making sure that she’d have herself together by birthing time.

He wanted to take her somewhere special, but she was wound up too tight.

He wanted her to follow his lead, but he was nowhere in sight.

Asking her to believe without proof’s insight kept being occluded by past experienced blights.

And her frustration flared because she was tired of playing the fool without any tangibilities.

She wanted him, and it was driving her crazy.

“What am I doing with my life!” It had been all too hazy.

Not for lack of trying or designing – but for efforts required to just keep surviving.

Holding ground was noteworthy and necessary, but not soul fulfilling.

I respond according to
What I’m presented with

Ponytail

Hasty tie

Rarely down

“You don’t need a man…you need a champion.”

(Quote from movie: Eat, Pray, Love)

“What would it be like to experience this in a partner’s eyes?”

“I will have to think about that.”

She worried there were others
That matched up with the code.