“Because a ghost is often cold comfort, and lack of reality makes a person think that they are out of their head – as well as the energy required to sustain faith in such situations drains reserves without replenishment’s biofeedback!”
(But it’s more like extreme and vexed frustration.)
She had been searching…
Gods, for too many centuries long – how she’d been searching!
But she had only caught brief glimpses of him while Milenia called her home ever since the eruption between their worlds had cast them far apart from each other.
They had made a promise that binds before time’s dilation had shifted as it often does to new delineations.
Yet, they had encountered barriers causing such anguished despair as they fought their way to rediscover and at last keep it.
And then, she had found a method – a prospective way to bring him forward into their sharing a new reality.
First, she synced with a host body – though she had had to struggle along its growing years to remember why she had chosen to be born into its reality after conjoining.
She did recall that the eyes are windows to the soul, and so she would search for him in other men’s eyes – though she could not remember why or what she was looking for.
She just remembered a feeling…
And she kept trying – but with no success.
But then, one day, she heard a voice that infiltrated her illusions and reawoke her essence.
And her core felt a recognition that she remembered that she had fought so hard to believe in.
Could it be that her most beloved had found his own way back to her?
And was there still time for their reunion and co-reawakening?
She desired love’s emergence.
She knew the right one would fit.
She knew their union would heal.
She was drawn to men who needed healing.
If only the exchange could be mutual.
My Darling,
I needed standin substitutes for awhile, and became dependent upon them to help me find ways to bridge my way back to you.
I needed premise while in absence of knowing, and while I miss their assurances, I would rather get to have the truth of you.
Something definite that she no longer had.
—
(Multiple meanings)
Along the river where willows part
Lying on a blanket blessed by stars
He wrapped his body around hers
Sinking to depths embracing love
Her eyes spilling over tears of relief
Mirrored his request to never leave
A promise both gave in bonding
Their souls through mortal coils
—
(You & Me, My Love, as I passed from dreams into today’s reality)
It did not seem possible that there’d be a hero to come help and save her.
Someone who’d value, want, and cherish her.
For so long, she’d been the one others needed to rely upon.
She was in a grocery isle, looking at garbage bags and cleaning supplies – of all things – and saw hum coming from her left.
Sunglasses still on to mitigate the bright overhead lights, she angled her stance more toward him and hazedly watched him approach, expecting him to turn and walk the other way.
But he kept coming, slowly, and was watching her carefully but directly.
Every step brought his visage more clearly into view as her mind scanned for attributes that would confirm his identity correctly.
Then he stopped right there, right next to her, not looking away – just as she held herself there, though swaying a bit from not automatically bolting away, herself.
He was ready?
They were ready.
To be real….
To figure out how to explain and discuss everything.
They were ready to face fears, together, with trembling relief.
—-
(This morning’s last dream before waking)
“You might be a pain in the butt,” she asserted, “but you’re my pain in the butt.”
And then, she hugged him.
—
(Title of multiple meanings)
He said out loud to no one in particular.
“She loves me…”
Drive her this crazy must mean that she cared for and loved him deeply.
She visualized turning him around, smacking his butt, and sending him on his way with a “Come back when you’re ready to really play.”
She had been crying.
“Heartache from being teased, then denied.”
He was enchanted by the fact that his actions affected her because she cared so much – while he seemed oblivious to the blatant obviousness of how his withdrawals cut her open, spilling her precious heart’s blood, again.
This time, she was
Ready, determined
To overcome her fear
And reach out to him
But when she saw him again
Then followed, he was gone
She quirked a playful eyebrow at him briefly and asked, “So you wanna do this with me?”
“I think that passionately desiring but not getting to have detrimentally depletes me these days.
I’d already burned through layers of reserves before this point from prior single parenting.”
Song repost from February 2025.
“Prolonged delayed gratification is over-played.
I have no more chips to give.”
“I look at my ex’s lives and at all of the love and support that I gave them.
They are all now flourishing in their own ways, in some capacity or other, in part thanks to me – better off for having known me.
Yet, for all that I generously gave, I’ve come away with injuries from their growing.
I am pock-marked, battered, and bruise-broken.
Who worthy would want me now in my worsened conditioning?
All of the ease of pretty and youth has been tapped – consumed by feeder users.
I have become a mature woman – with an injured soul’s heavy cares and worries.”
Chest cavity seizes
Squeezing pressure
Wide-swath turniqit
Attempting censure
Restricted expansion
Around heart center
Insecurity signals
Confused leverage
The hurt was deep
As expanded limits
Seeming to
Never end
“Keepin’ on.”
“I don’t need nore fantasy without basis in reality.”
Rest’s positive reset would be welcome.
There were limits to the heights she could reach.
She wasn’t used to admitting defeat.
“Which version have you liked best so far?” he asked her.
She leaned in closer so that only he could hear her…”I’ll let you know when it’s just you and me.”
How alike they were in core modes where it mattered.
She might be viewed as a tease
If so, she was an honest tease
With payment
Guaranteed
She kept feeling like she was missing her chances with him.
It was hard to keep being strong – to keep showing a pleasant and neutral face because she was not going to be the downfall of some passing stranger’s fragile day.
But when she returned to the car these days, she could feel her energy suddenly crash by significant degrees from just maintaining effort.
“I know that you are used to being a force to be reckoned with.
But please don’t fault me for having caution – especially when it comes to protecting our sanctity”
“I need you to come right up to me and introduce yourself.
Our start doesn’t need to be – and likely won’t be perfect.
Even if I flinch and seem to shut down, don’t buy into it.
I see so many versions of you lately that it’s all I can do to dig into my space and hold myself together as I quiver inside wanting so much to just reach out and claim you as my own.
I am likely projecting a vibe of ‘stay away’ around me.
But it’s because I don’t want to make a wrong move with a ‘wrong’ guy…
I just want you by my side.”
Song repost from April 2023.
Could it be trusted?
They both stood at opposite ends on cliff edges to either side of The Great Divide – yearning, but still unable to see each other clearly.
Wondering…
Hoping…
Praying…
She wanted the man whose capacities were equivalent in breadth and depth to her own emotional intelligence.
She dreamed that her ex-husband had died and she’d had to tell her children.
But when she went looking for the proof, found him alive and ran face to face with his preferred girlfriend.
Though greatly relieved on one count, she did not need to experience the deep pain from the death nor the encounter.
No one was there to comfort her.
Candid Corvid Productions 