Category: A Woman’s Plight

She still had obligations, but they weren’t the same as before…

And even though she discovered that she had some defaults, she was willing to work past them to be more receptive if he would convey clearly that he wanted her.

If I tell myself to approach the rebuilding tasks directly, the blocks prohibit.

But if I tell mysdlf that I am cleaning my room again to get back into music, they will lift.

And then, when I try to focus on making music, I will see the rebuilding tasks suddenly come clear because of intense dread, worry, and lack of stability.

And I will veer to attend to these tasks, one after another – each time by beginning to attempt to work on progressing in music.

For I am amazing at self sacrificing when the days must be saved.

But maybe, after more months and months of rebuilding…maybe someday I can begin to actually reinsert music for real into my life again.

If the rent gets caught up and we don’t lose our housing.

And I don’t keep slipping farther behind in recovering from injuries, rather than regaining my strength.

And then, when that brief moment of feeling safe and hopeful at last reenters my life again and I think that I can finally focus on my art, another drastic emergency will knock me back down again.

And the cycle will start all over…

Only with less strength to carry on.

Sometimes, you get lucky with a sinking ship…

And it stops sinking when it gets full of just enough water to equal out the pressure where it once flooded into the hull freely…

And as long as you stop bailing and slosh around only very carefully, a balance is reached…

And somehow, the heavily floating boat might still be swept by currents to safety.

The divide was too wide for her to get across by herself.

All she could do was hope for reinforcements and work on getting the motor going again.

—

(Title of multiple meanings)

For the past several hours, she just craved a hot bath and to shut down.

But she had been determined to show up and be there for others.

“Behind the scenes, she was completely wrecked.”

“I can’t let everything fall apart.”

“This ain’t nuthin’ new.”

She was not waiting for just anybody.
No…she wasn’t into more temporary.

If I’m a fool, then I’m a fool – who’s in love.

—

(Content concept play)

What causes the pulse to pound
Beyond normal range of flattery?

What steals one’s breath in passing
As if it’s the source of all breathing?

What causes a heart to crave
Certain perfect imperfections?

What freezes where once brave
Because means the world to me?

A phrase past hung upon shoulders of others, as if trying to match pictures to frame – yet not quite felt the same as only once before, and this time irrefutable.

She sat there, eyes downcast, afraid to look at him directly for fear that she might see confirmation that it was all just a game, afterall – a ruse to call her out from hiding and make fun of her heart’s yearning vulnerability.

Hands clasping her fingers tightly on top of her lap as they ached to reach out to touch his face and extend arms to hold him, her eyes burned with tears as they rebelled at her refusal to at last gaze into his own.

—-

(Title of multiple meanings)

I remember being at my grandparent’s home
Always a place of safety away from main society

Yet planted in the very heart of prime social elitism
Only just one door away by grandpa playing piano

And when I returned as a teen after he had passed
The place felt the same but much more empty

I could have stayed there forever and would have
Had my grandmother left the house in will to me

But my uncle and his family eventually took over
All properties and moved her with them for caretaking

I got a small funding to begin my own life later
Her parting gift used to spread wings for flying

She couldn’t pretend anymore
Thus missed opening presents

But she would have pretended
Had she’d known they wanted

But she hadn’t
So she didn’t

Then later
Found out

She felt trapped as if it was
How she had always feared

When you tell the truth and they
Told you this would drive away

Everyone and everything wanted
Going off into opposite directions

Only this time it wasn’t the same
Even though some ways lagged

Because her family responded
And he somewhere considered

She wasn’t afraid of him
Or how he’d affected her

In fact, she craved his calm to
Extreme storms hidden within

But had difficulty experiencing
Her prior sealed doors spilling

Whooshing open like a huricane
Engulfing her in their maelstrom

Of past relationships’ once sparks
Fizzling out flat instead of arching

Into rainbows bridging across time
Which filled her senses with dread

As if her heart’s losses had been
Kept under sealed tomb coffins

With corpses reanimating in
Frightening sudden intensity

This is how much his energy
Catalyzed hers to awakening

She couldn’t mask anymore
With those latches splaying

Because he already knew about
Burdens she had been carrying

And she couldn’t see clearly
How to well-begin initiation

That would prevent and protect
Their connection from same end

That must be it – she was haunted
And needed a Spell of Banishment

She needed to be able to trust that
He and she belonged to each other

But when she’d voiced needs in past
Others blamed and then condemned

And she did not know how to begin
Without he & she speaking directly

And since when allowed to dive in
To the core of desire unabashedly?

She wanted him with such passion that
Her body froze as her voice went mute

She just should have said, “Do you want something real?”

But she hadn’t said it.

Or had she?

And it was just taken as of little consequence?

“She closed her mouth, for some words are only meant to be shared in private…”

“What good does it do to belabor my pain?”

“Why do I often invest in the long shot?”

“I was in a dressing room trying on a maroon-red, softly-contouring sequined dress which did not fit me (nor could I afford it, anyway) where an overhead speaker playing traditional New York style classic Christmas music beckoned one toward the excitement up prepping for the holiday.

Consciously clicking into smooth keel mode and trying to just enjoy the moment, I could not remember when I have had the luxury of looking forward to a holiday – let alone prospect of sharing romance that can come with it.”

“Guys my age mostly ignored me – and I was the same then as I am now, internally.”

After helping by giving numbers to everyone and then offering her chair, having it then used by another after that and standing out there in the cold shivering and watching her skin grow paler, she realized that she felt ill “holding the line” and returned to her car – looking for when she could retrieve her chair and exit.

She saw glimpses of them
Scanned their personalities

Looking for him cautiously
While holding her positions

And kept her distance while
They maneuvered activities