Category: A Woman’s Plight

She had been crying.

This time, she was
Ready, determined

To overcome her fear
And reach out to him

But when she saw him again
Then followed, he was gone

“I think that passionately desiring but not getting to have detrimentally depletes me these days.

I’d already burned through layers of reserves before this point from prior single parenting.”

“Prolonged delayed gratification is over-played.

I have no more chips to give.”

“I look at my ex’s lives and at all of the love and support that I gave them.

They are all now flourishing in their own ways, in some capacity or other, in part thanks to me – better off for having known me.

Yet, for all that I generously gave, I’ve come away with injuries from their growing.

I am pock-marked, battered, and bruise-broken.

Who worthy would want me now in my worsened conditioning?

All of the ease of pretty and youth has been tapped – consumed by feeder users.

I have become a mature woman – with an injured soul’s heavy cares and worries.”

Chest cavity seizes
Squeezing pressure

Wide-swath turniqit
Attempting censure

Restricted expansion
Around heart center

Insecurity signals
Confused leverage

The hurt was deep
As expanded limits

Seeming to
Never end

“Keepin’ on.”

“I don’t need nore fantasy without basis in reality.”

Rest’s positive reset would be welcome.

There were limits to the heights she could reach.

She wasn’t used to admitting defeat.

She might be viewed as a tease
If so, she was an honest tease

With payment
Guaranteed

She kept feeling like she was missing her chances with him.

It was hard to keep being strong – to keep showing a pleasant and neutral face because she was not going to be the downfall of some passing stranger’s fragile day.

But when she returned to the car these days, she could feel her energy suddenly crash by significant degrees from just maintaining effort.

She wanted the man whose capacities were equivalent in breadth and depth to her own emotional intelligence.

She dreamed that her ex-husband had died and she’d had to tell her children.

But when she went looking for the proof, found him alive and ran face to face with his preferred girlfriend.

Though greatly relieved on one count, she did not need to experience the deep pain from the death nor the encounter.

No one was there to comfort her.

She still had obligations, but they weren’t the same as before…

And even though she discovered that she had some defaults, she was willing to work past them to be more receptive if he would convey clearly that he wanted her.

If I tell myself to approach the rebuilding tasks directly, the blocks prohibit.

But if I tell mysdlf that I am cleaning my room again to get back into music, they will lift.

And then, when I try to focus on making music, I will see the rebuilding tasks suddenly come clear because of intense dread, worry, and lack of stability.

And I will veer to attend to these tasks, one after another – each time by beginning to attempt to work on progressing in music.

For I am amazing at self sacrificing when the days must be saved.

But maybe, after more months and months of rebuilding…maybe someday I can begin to actually reinsert music for real into my life again.

If the rent gets caught up and we don’t lose our housing.

And I don’t keep slipping farther behind in recovering from injuries, rather than regaining my strength.

And then, when that brief moment of feeling safe and hopeful at last reenters my life again and I think that I can finally focus on my art, another drastic emergency will knock me back down again.

And the cycle will start all over…

Only with less strength to carry on.

Sometimes, you get lucky with a sinking ship…

And it stops sinking when it gets full of just enough water to equal out the pressure where it once flooded into the hull freely…

And as long as you stop bailing and slosh around only very carefully, a balance is reached…

And somehow, the heavily floating boat might still be swept by currents to safety.

The divide was too wide for her to get across by herself.

All she could do was hope for reinforcements and work on getting the motor going again.

—

(Title of multiple meanings)

For the past several hours, she just craved a hot bath and to shut down.

But she had been determined to show up and be there for others.

“Behind the scenes, she was completely wrecked.”