Category: A Woman’s Plight

It is not to place blame – for how can I
Know where my fault has contributed

When I was not approached nor asked
Despite my verbal / active requesting?

My posts are about my experiencing
Analysis from my side’s perceptions

Invisible tape on her car door, over her mouth, and binding her limbs.

She wanted to go back and rip it all off.

Jump through that portal that had suddenly opened and be with him.

But that was then…

A critically important moment – for just a moment.

No heads up to prepare.

No warning on time limits.

No power to command herself appropriately for the occasion.

Where had her ambiversion gone?!

Fled – it had fled the scene as if the sheriff had arrived suddenly with a warrant for its arrest.

Why hadn’t she just gotten out of her car and called out after him – like she could playfully engage a stranger if something was very important?

Because that’s not how her spontaneous forwardness worked.

It hid behind the scenes, carefully and subconsciously sensing, tracking, and observing.

At distance of safety.

Until the right moment opened, and she practically slid through the door seemlessly with something cheerful or supportive to share, inquire, or convey.

Outside – then in and out.

This is how it was always displayed.

Brief moments of solid connection – then on her way again, dancing between danger’s poles, seeking fleeting patches of safety.

So when he appeared, that challenged everything.

And if he didn’t want her truely, it would have been soul crushing.

So she waited, frozen in place…

Hoping that he would signal to her clearly that it was ok to confide with him.

Too many demons encroach
Sharpening knives, drooling

So I must clap my hands firmly
Demanding table set with feast

So that we may eat in harmony
Rather than try to kill each other

There’s no more hope
No more aspirations

Folding inward I can
Only have curiosity

Navigating
Where I may

“My children try to encourage, unable to support as I keep holding to support them.

Individuals from community agencies try to help when I weakly, but determined, extend my hand.

I don’t know how much farther I can go with this concussion and retorn wounds preventing my reclaiming land.

My moments are reduced where I can make a stand.”

“As to why my heart is under compression and my vagus nerve twitches on edge.”

Lives in fear
Compressed

Little room
In my chest

No reprieve
From worry

Strained
To hurry

Insecure about
Who it can trust

Wants to pound
In releasing lust

Finding safe haven
Sync with another

Warm arms
Under cover

She didn’t want to have dreams where past ex’s insinuated their selves back into her life,  taking up space just to keep her from being seen as available to the man that she truely wanted to be with.

All that stuff – all those moments from the past were at best half-borrowed because none of it from any of them had been fully meant.

No…

Yes…

Give her the real thing.

She wanted the man that throughout time she would never be forced to forget nor regret.

When
Or how

She had needed consistency of order and quiet.

However, she had needed reuniting with her once estranged family even more.

“Of love…I miss them the most.”

A younger man arrived, entwining his fingers with hers, wrapping his arm around her waist in that familiar way of lovers – and behaving as if he would give her the moon and stars if she’d consent to being his.

And while this unfamiliarity but desired regard felt lovely, she paid attention to the fact that an older street woman witch kissed him, yet said she would grant the couple freedom this one night.

But the dreamer didn’t want to give or take anything for temporary.

So she spoke up and told the man about the performance troup behind the bar that just then finished playing, and how she used to play drums like they did.

And then she stepped aside to take some night photos of the moon in interesting position to a neatly designed building.

With every gesture of her true self emergung, the spell he and the witch tried to lure her by became weaker and weaker.

And though she felt cold and empty as she further disengaged, she knew that she desired the real thing from another.

Better to love someone true from afar than sell herself short to someone under cover.

“I have always wanted, I see others getting to have.

Despite my grief and continued losses, I will always support others getting to have it.”