He was an elemental force that
She wanted to wholly embrace
But she was frozen in place
Looking for solid grounding
She needed commitment
On every imaginable level
To keep her family nourished
So she could share his passion
—
(Title of multiple meanings)
Repost from December 2021
A younger man arrived, entwining his fingers with hers, wrapping his arm around her waist in that familiar way of lovers – and behaving as if he would give her the moon and stars if she’d consent to being his.
And while this unfamiliarity but desired regard felt lovely, she paid attention to the fact that an older street woman witch kissed him, yet said she would grant the couple freedom this one night.
But the dreamer didn’t want to give or take anything for temporary.
So she spoke up and told the man about the performance troup behind the bar that just then finished playing, and how she used to play drums like they did.
And then she stepped aside to take some night photos of the moon in interesting position to a neatly designed building.
With every gesture of her true self emergung, the spell he and the witch tried to lure her by became weaker and weaker.
And though she felt cold and empty as she further disengaged, she knew that she desired the real thing from another.
Better to love someone true from afar than sell herself short to someone under cover.
“I have always wanted, I see others getting to have.
Despite my grief and continued losses, I will always support others getting to have it.”
“To shame, disregard, and mistreat a patient in honest need?”
There is no sunnyside up when
More mistreatment in “society”
The silver lining being no bleeding
And deeper bonding with children
The paramedics, except one, did not want to take her seriously.
And right when they arrived at the hospital’s exchanging, her being felt that she was not being transferred into safe keeping.
Immediately, the intake male nurse disregarded the pain and difficultties that she was having.
He made her further hurt herself by refusing to help her reattempt on her own to get into the wheelchair in his disregard’s treating her inhumanely.
Until she refused to try anymore until they brought someone who had any decency.
An older woman arrived, and for no provocation they’d also brought security.
The older woman stepped in front of her and to the right – and then the patient could grip and position herself where they wanted her to be.
The older woman hummed softly as she pushed her to a room where she could lay down again to manage the pain and imbalanced fluid exchange.
A brief blessing of kind compassion that help her reorient and keep trying to self stabilize.
It was a room reserved for mental patients, with cameras and a lockable closing door, where she could hear the nursing staff loudly joking at the ER station and one later said after she pressed the help button – “As if there isn’t someone down the way who is actually dying!”
At that point, she got help to call her eldest, because they didn’t seem to care or believe that she was dealing with brain trauma.
And while she was waiting, she finally began recording how loud and irreverent they were all being generally, irregardless of the fact people were there, hurt and dying.
They must’ve seen and heard her on the cameras, etc., because suddenly the noise got quieter.
And once her eldest arrived, they became more respectful and her eldest helped advocate for another scan against the doctor’s resistance to ensure that the sudden onset of symptoms did not include further risk from hemoraging.
‘Please take me to a different hospital if needed in the future,’ she requested to her eldest at the end.
Nothing like being confused and terrified with people making it worse by refusing to help as gaslighting.”
“Standing up and feeling nausea as my legs turn purple and weight floods my solar plexus.
Help!
I think I’m going into shock.
Lying back down to try and let waves passover me…
This sucks!
“My face is breaking out with impact blotches.
Internal bruising filtering its way to the surface?
I guess this is a good sign – meaning that the dense forehead trauma is trying to break up and alleviate internal pressure.
But its effects look like a type of subtle liver splotching swelling on my face.
Come on, Crone!
Give me a fu**ing break!
“Are you my ‘Jekyll and Hyde?'”
The fact that I have managed to create
What I have created through the years
Is testament of my determination to
Lean against barriers until they budge
“I don’t know how to recover from this accident, except to go slower while experiencing more neural twitching – and to keep doing what I have been doing.
But the resources are even thinner now, and all I can do is keep trying to show up, even with further diminished capacity.
Yeah…
My kids and I have had to have the talk.
‘If I end up in a home because my system crashes, don’t give up on me – please make sure that I am getting the right therapies for recovery.
And if I am ever in a coma, don’t give up on me.
I am in here, trying to reroute the wiring.'”
That I should avoid influences
But you made it impossible to
So tell me now, love
Where’s our reward?
“Fresh damage from the shower accident.”
In this quiet, we belong to each other
Yet in the ‘real world,’ we are far apart
Until I feel you then, too, permeating
What madness pervades my senses
Causing such desires blooming
Without ability to touch you?
“It is a ‘Hallmark’ of an accomodator to try to make things easier for others.”
“I know we think that it is perhaps safer to keep things the way that they have always been – but this is because we are afraid to be vulnerable in order to receive and give.”
She had loved being able to breathe in his scent, and had forgotten that that was an essential element in bonding relationships.
—-
(Neurofeedback altered states internal experience as if in a waking drean)
Repost from November 2022
“Dependent upon help from society.
Remember how I’ve been consigned for ages as an outlier?
Well the side benefit of this was my autonomy and independence!
My pride and self manifestation!”
What is mine?
What can I ask for?
What can I demand?
What is inviolate?
From worse to hopefully better
You’ve pealed off the bandaids
She saw a sign saying”Bernard Malamud, ‘A New Life,’ and recognized that a new life was what she was indeed heading toward.
But she didn’t want to read the book because she was tired of so much messaging pounding upon her from every angle to get her to let it have its influence.
The title itself enough reinforced the truth of what she was wrestling with – for certainly, there was no going back to what she’d had or was before.”
I just want to love you and
To have you loving me, too
All of the rest is just
Trials and frosting
It was neither of their fault (just a valid misinterpretation) that upon first meeting their chemicals combined to create interdimensional fissions – blasting them far apart from each other, accidentally chastised in the confusion.
“My love, are we ‘in this together to win this?’
Because from my point of view, our souls are pretty invested in our having success.
If you also believe this to be true, how do we overcome our shyness?”
She’d had to allow the corruption to become a part of her in order to survive, neutralizing and owning it while bound to its puppet strings.
He’d met her there in the darkness – had called out to bridge with love’s intention, awakening the passion she’d held under tight leash as it ignited her need to embrace him.
But when she saw him suddenly in person in a brief glance shared that none before could ever compare, her hidden innocence suddenly recognized his hidden innocence – and two pairs of wide blue eyes starled back to their cores in a flash of white gold brilliance.
Transformed into unicorns and both confused by their suddenly repairing souls’ clammoring to take this union seriously, their high spirits kicked up heels in overwhelm – and tossing heads fled to opposite directions for safe distance.
How can it be that where truth resides I am very shy?
Why do I still wear these glasses that poke near my eye?
With all of our life experiences why did we both run?
Bolting opposite directions instead of toward the sun?
She came upon a singing class practicing low pressure, cozy outdoor performances in a little cafe outer nook with supportive atmosphere.
He was there, phasing in and out of his younger to now form and they linked somehow at distance.
Both extremely shy in person, their nerves became more secure over time during the practice as when one would look toward the other the other would receive and give back just a tiny bit more.
“Yes…hello…I’m here…I like you,” careful yet clear signaling throughout the session passed between them.
Toward the end of the class, she sang a little over the recording, just trying to get the words smooth and right, and then he followed, lightly playing with stretching tones upward.
By the end of his song, she felt some slight confidance inside bloom where she never had before – and got reinforcement from his glance lingering in her direction that he felt the same, too.
Her heartbeat quickened as the class began to end because she felt the first sense of real hope that he would want to spend time with her – and that maybe their connection would grow and become something that they both could keep, instead of something shallow that often quickly ends.
—
(Last of last night’s dreams)
“Versions of you.”
I know that I cannot sway
Where I still have no say
But I can assert my way
Where living breathe it
Come get warm by the fire
Reignite the desire pedaling
Across many miles’ searching
I must manage thoughts
Moving to avoid my heart
As would collapse inward
From love’s leaving hastily
What am I to think of this?
How do I not feel rejected?
Where may be found comfort
In hope’s promise rescinded?
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