Category: A Woman’s Plight

“When true love is suppressed, deflected, ignored, and humiliated under years of extreme pressure, one’s soul can begin to die unless it fights back with equal measure.

He was surprised to find my anger raging.”

“I have got to focus on breaking past this internal barrier to get into making music.”

“When it hits hard, I try to back up and remember trends of recovery from previous difficulties.”

“When it’s down to pennies, it’s hard to feel justified for existing.”

” I keep writing to see myself clearly – but even when I do, part of me is still not accepting my own identity’s validity.”

“To fall in love, again…and to again have love turn away from me.”

She knew what they had done to her was wrong, and kept working to countermand it.

“To keep unfolding and evolving while being in a relationship?

I have not had a partner who was growing parallel to me.

What is the goal?

Do we seek someone just like us in compatability?

And to what extent – how do we keep the dynamic yummy-spicey?”

“The phrase should actually be called self deflection / aversion training – which is very difficult to overcome when it has also been integrated into a way to keep surviving.”

“I have bedn so unseen and so midunderstood that apparently I need to declare aspects of myself so that I may be my own witness.

And how else can I claim identity’s individuality when people no longer take the time to get to know each other?”

“I come from an age where all body types, shapes, and sizes of women were considered to have desirability aspects.

Now, I feel very uncertain that a man will appreciate my unique combination due to the brainwashing of societal strong-arming by social media.”

“We sing its praise, but it’s still empty, hollow, and fleeting.”

“The guitar’s right there – and I still won’t just pick it up.

My only hope is getting back into school to force myself out of this rut!”

“I don’t have my sh** together.”

“Today my chest is stuck in grief’s morning.”

“I found a shirt this evening that I did not expect, and that does not belong to me.

It seems a thematic that I am left with remnants of memories as their owners leave.”

“Briefly back in bed to get warm while dogs are out back and cats are indoor meandering, all waiting for me to muster will’s power to get up and aim for another version of daily functioning.”

“He had closed off to me long before his injuries.

I didn’t know how to get him back – we were way off track from where we’d begun.

We were so young.

What had I done but been naive and asked him about something, too trusting and wanting his opinion?

Was it those “friends” who tried to falsely corrupt my reputation – make him think I would be a bad thing – and convince him to discard me for their gains?

Was it my sending away the woman who suddenly reappeared, trying to leverage their history and dethrone me?

I knew something about his past was unresolved and was soon projected onto me.

It shut down our connection’s honesty and sealed tight his mouth, glomming onto me like sticky taffy.

It was like I couldn’t move or breath freely, and every move I made or word I said was used as reinforcement to distance him.

And those hormones made me feel and see the cracks of our impending loss too clearly.

I begged him nicely – but then the women flirting and his ambiguity”s lack of reassurance got me yelling.

Our truth was there – why couldn’t and wouldn’t he fight for it?!

It was in how we drummed together, and in how our bodies confided.

But I couldn’t reach him; couldn’t talk to him.

He kept avoiding and denying while going through the motions of being together.

I could tell he resented my challenging and rallying, as he withdrew even more from me.

Our love before had been alive and vital – and I’d be damned if I would let it die like this!

But I was damned because I didn’t let go of it.”

“I know that part of an issue is that sometimes when I see something worrying in a relationship, I get stuck and cannot respond effectively to it.

I think this is residual behavior from having to play possum in unsafe childhood trauma zones, and I have not experienced enough ‘safety’ in partnership to be able to retrain.”

“I think in some ways, this has now become my default as a form of self preservation.”

“You’re a guy…a guy can almost do, be, and look like anything by today’s standards.

If a woman wants to self express, she’s supposed to be some oversexualized stringbean glamour model.”

“I guess what ails me is the fact that I’m injured, after having cared for another person with severe injuries that did not resolve positively, and where I did not get back the love, care, and support that I gave.

Reciprocity was lacking, so as a partner relagated to caregiving, my spirit became drained after decades of disregard.

So here I am, with this constant physical load beleageurment now of my own and a past history of needed love’s lack, so where do I find faith in concept that a man would step up for me when I am struggling to meet my own needs?

There’s a correlation conclusion in my reasoning that sucks away at confidence.

If I was not valued in my valiant youth’s high achieving performances before, then why would I be valued when I’m struggling?

And taking it further, would I still be valued if/as I moved into better recovery and claimed a new version of my prior bright energies’ emitting?

I feel at risk for being loved only for my current diminishment.”

“Maybe if I were with a dedicated man who could and would love me with equal depth and endurant tenacity, I’d have ‘a chance in Hell.'”

“One minute, having hope and running back to champion it – and the next, having it ripped forever from one’s grasp – is beyond tragic, and unforgivable…it’s something worth screaming at the heavens to demand amends for.”

“It’s still f****d that he was taken from me when I had just figured it all out and was on my way to tell him.”

(Early twenties, 1994)

“What I see around me is a tease.

None of it is mine – except what I brought with me and seem to be in process of losing.

I am only allowed to give to others, but rarely receive.”

Sometimes, patience is overrated.

“I’m either all in, or not involved. I don’t understand how people can play only partially. “

“So olllld – ah-ha ha-ha-ha!”

(Society takes ageism way too seriously)

“It’s likely ok that I’m out of faith because I sustained radical positivity for so long that there’s bound to be an accounting.”