Category: A Woman’s Plight

They say she has more wisdom
She is more mature than before

But I have had these qualities all along
The dfference now is I am a bit tougher

Her kitchen was a mess – and she needed cookies.

(Title play)

What if she was wrong, again?

“I was left as if I was the problem.”

“As I slowly emerged from deep sleeping, I awoke to find myself and my children entangled in others’ nightmares of a life only slightly worth living.

When a sleeper awakens and begins fighting for others and protecting them in hostile territory, there is rarely forgiving.”

“I used to value and enjoy them until I repeatedly experienced people I needed to show up for me using them as escapism.”

I was breaking away for the first time
Staying often alone at parents’ house

Carefully opening wings in heat of sun
Wheelbarrow-spreading their shavings

I loved the feel of simple manual labor
Muscles flexing while tied with nature

In the evening I dyed my hair black
Put on makeup and went dancing

At Goth night after driving to S.F.
Along 280 scenic contrasting 101

I always loved going into The City
Lured by the underground hidden

Had my first and only meetup event
Proud of such brave disappointment

I was trying to break new ground to
Become something freshly different

Met my ex-fiance online during
Later strove to create our future

Sometimes it’s like I’m just spinning circles
All that time and effort looping atonement

It became clear that with more being foisted upon her, she was again having to manage too many things.

“I just don’t want to have to be hypervigilant anymore – the only one who’s wide awake; the only one who gets these deeper truths and is willing to stand up and fight for them.

I accommodate.

Period.

It’s worse than an addiction because it is ingrained.

I am built to love – not to polive anybody.

But then, I end up having to be the warrior.”

“I am not sure who I can be my best self with.”

“He who wants the rose must respect the thorn.”

But what if the rose is embarassed by its thorns?

What if it doesn’t want to have thorns?

And what if this makes the rose even more bristly in its own srlf defense so that its thorns just keep growing thicker and thicker around it so that it can hide itself from any potential external judgements?

I mean, really…Who’s gonna love a rose for its thorns?”

“I wonder if worry will ever leave from around my eyes…but maybe this is what life is all about.”

“I like myself and feel attractive, but don’t have confidence about others’ opinions regarding.”

She did not really understand
Her mother’s love expression

Why wouldn’t she be supportive
Of the fiance making her happy?

How could she feel justified
Dismissing him offhandedly?

She claimed it was because
He was too young essentially

Sometimes the daughter thought
The root cause as type of jealousy

One thing for sure had been true
The younger man had weakened

Limited in navigation experience
He caved in to societal pounding

Which ultimately such pressures
Had him choose to break promise

Her mother had been laughing
Haughtily scathingly righteous

To learn that her rejection had
Crushed her daughter’s suitor

I swear, sometimes it’s needed
That ego gets a hard checking

When it comes to protecting
The sacred bond of couples

“How do we function in ‘normal’ life when hopes and dreams have become scattered?”

When they had finished
She lay in his arms briefly

Then suddenly began
Getting up as programmed

Because she had learned that
Hypervigilance was the only survival

Mechanism she could depend on
And distance if wanted to keep a man

“Shhh, come back to bed,” he said
Sure arms wrapping to cage her gently

And she yielded gratefully
But couldn’t help twitching

Like an injured bird afraid
Of love’s healing hands

“I have asked of men for their truest love, and none have given me the answer.”

No longer could she camouflage
By hiding in daylight her status

For the betrothel ring
She’d bought herself

To bide years alone
Today lost its stone

“I’ve always been ‘all-in.'”

“I dreamed I was pregnant again, far enough in to where people could notice.

I could feel “her” little foot pushing out from  my left inside, and body stretching in my right.

It’s a glorious feeling to be a mother…to be providing a loving “home” for a little one.

And still soul grueling to be without my life mate to feed my heart’s fire.”

“With the pressures squeezing down like a vise, my personal behavior here may become erratic this month and beyond.

Let’s just say, ‘I’m screaming inside.'”

“Risking to love again takes bravery to a whole new level.”

“Finding out that you’ve been lied to in the most horrendous ways when it is too late to attempt to salvage the relationship.”

I’m not sure anymore
What makes one good

Is it sharing the same dreams or
The feeling of being understood?

Is it only transitory
Transactionality?

Is it bonding of the heart
Or all just a mind’s game?

“I look around at what I have been, what I am, and what I am creating.

I still have amazing capacities to love and nourish, but I can no longer afford to give of my heart without it being reciprocated.

I can give to children, community, friends, and relatives, but my partnership…this is something sacred.”

“I have worked hard for, advocated for, and chased love.

It’s time that it courts me.”

“A man I love and admire grows farther away from me.

One I glimpse almost daily, it seems will never approach me.

And the one who wants contact only wants an occasional piece of me.”

Here comes another “insurmountable” deadline.

She had to realize that this was her life, now.

One struggle to survive after another.

“I need things, too.”

“I need lots of ‘yes’ signals in my life as I am battling too much pain and resistance toward overcoming trials and achieving success.

I am just tired.

Period.

I need positive, easy reinforcements.”