“I shouldn’t have been trying to repare and rebridge.
The costs had broken tenability, and my body and soul kept fighting my attempts at healing with him.
But I just couldn’t accept the losses and costs, and I wanted to go back to Eden.
Yet, it was burnt to cinders – with a devil in the vissage of a man who once loved me dancing through them, playing through my mind in awoken nightmares.”
“And I had wondered why, after the fact, too much heat would come out into counseling sessions.
And these women kept siding with him, as he played the rational ‘victim.'”
“It couldn’t now just be about violation transgressions enacted before and then abandonment; thereafter, every single wrong we were subjected to due to our resultant exposed vulnerability combined and seethed in my outraged bloodstream.”
“I don’t even know how we got through the many layered gaps slipping us further and further down into hell – except to say that, sometimes, gravity has its ‘benefits.’
Set up accusations for ‘squatting;’ a contract for slumming wedged between alcoholics and drug addicts; and the illusion of grace by indenturement to a sociopathic narcicist.
These were called ‘reparations…'”
Being ripped from the
Fabric of decency and
Shoved out to the streets
Stripped of titled ranking
Was no way to thank for
Years of service devotion.
“I wonder when I will be able to focus on me.”
“Not a fan of it.”
If there’s “too much water under the bridge,”
Over time, the bridge may get swept away.
“Intangibles are now intolerable!”
And because she’d always witnessed men in love walking away, she had thought that to turn generational tides, the solution would be if she endured and stayed, no matter what.
He had to remember and wake up again, someday.
And if she left, he’d forget – and their love would forever be lost.
But you can’t change a man’s mind once it’s locked.
She should have somehow realized this, from the start.
She was pregnant with their 2nd, having lost the first way before term.
They were living in Santa Barbara briefly, in the bottom half of a large house high up on the crest edge overlooking.
One night, they even saw a rocket launching from Vandenburg, pluming its bright light into the glories of Heaven.
She listened to Sarah McLachlan’s album “Surfacing,” praying for the day that he would, holding tight to him, although he didn’t seem to want her company.
She never got the chance to have a real conversation with him, and feared his rejection and shutting down everything if she tried.
So she just sang in the kitchen opening her heart to the universe in welcoming and trying to fashion a way through, making sure that she’d have herself together by birthing time.
He wanted to take her somewhere special, but she was wound up too tight.
He wanted her to follow his lead, but he was nowhere in sight.
Asking her to believe without proof’s insight kept being occluded by past experienced blights.
And her frustration flared because she was tired of playing the fool without any tangibilities.
She wanted him, and it was driving her crazy.
“What am I doing with my life!” It had been all too hazy.
Not for lack of trying or designing – but for efforts required to just keep surviving.
Holding ground was noteworthy and necessary, but not soul fulfilling.
I respond according to
What I’m presented with
Music slumbers within me
Awaiting union’s harmony
As she hefted the onus of recovery
She allowed her mother’s imprint
To settle over her countenance
Warding off weak, angry men
Who would have once
Seen her as desireable
Avoiding men her age helped
To subvert ingrained training
By generation undeserving
Propagating violent biases
Which counted against any
Ranking they might’ve had
Ponytail
Hasty tie
Rarely down
“You don’t need a man…you need a champion.”
(Quote from movie: Eat, Pray, Love)
Woman by self cannot easily service
Whereas Man can any time by hand
This was designed for Man to manage
His vitality – not to seed an entire land
And to remind him of his responsibilities
To one woman as heart and soul provider
I think it’s poignant how in a phrase such as
“There’s only so much that after a lifetime”
Completely understates, yet accurately
Portays how importance is diminished
In what women have been expected
To endure by patient, selfless giving
Until – if we are lucky enough to have –
The false mirror reflecting crack open
Revealing the lies brainwashed into us
Vs .the entirely different state of being
We were always meant to contribute
And get to have as part of our sanity
There’s a song on the back burner
Someday I’ll write about treatment
How men think they’re God’s Gift
But have been vacuously selfish
In how they have “given” yet taken
Projecting tepid, brief fantasies as
Using their counterparts shallowly
Leaving them wanting and aching
For true, fulfilling connection agreed
But never f***ing delivered – well let
Me tell you there’s only so much that
A woman can absorb after a lifetime
Of being ignored, hoping for difference
But ever surrounded by lazy ignorance
—
(Note to self, song titled concepts recorded)
“What would it be like to experience this in a partner’s eyes?”
By drugs and incest
Putrescent disgust
Nothing left until
Good restores us
“I will have to think about that.”
“Are you sure you want this?” She asked,
Excited, shy, and nervous in youthfulness
Then her visage resolved into stoicism
Born of too many lifetimes’ endurance
“For in this life, I am aged so much older.
Is it right for me to want and desire you?”
She worried there were others
That matched up with the code.
You show up
Offering hope
Go beyond your best
To overcome valiantly
Then get blamed for any
Communicating honestly
As if your efforts are reason
Why the relationship failed
“Is cracking everywhere.”
“I don’t have to say it.”
Having water-logged into
Near-drowning swimming
Swept up by sensations
Only diverted by equal or
Greater intensity experiences
Transforming energy capably
“Takes on new dimensions.”
I would like to go
Toe to toe with you
Word for word and
Action for action
Over your life’s betrayals
And maybe mine, as well
Should we yell and rail
At each other, together?
Blaming the other one
For their sex’s crimes?
And then once expended
And the hits atoned taken
Fall into each other’s arms
Sobbing, divinely entwined?
In the end, all of his talk
Of logic meant nothing!
And she learned that
Deep down she could
Likely never trust again
As evidenced repeatedly
From those days forward
When it came to promises
Made by men who claimed
To value connection with her
He had this belief that
Emotions were bad
And so avoided until
Actions capitalized
She slipped and scoffed at him
That burning hell-hole of angst
Pouring lavish resentment
Into stewed remains of love
Something she’d never have done
No matter what anyone did to her
But the sick, thick, twisted irony
Kept choking – corrupting senses
As witnessed generation patterns
Acid-pouring on purity’s memory
So she lashed out in a short burst
Because he had untrained her dog
Who was too big to be jumping up
And now had adopted anarchy in
The name of another’s propagation
Passive-aggressively unraveling all
And she clipped that it was his fault
The thick skull had cracked his tooth
Ashamed that she had degenerated
Unable to restrain responding rage
I’d gone on a quest
To find a male spirit
I could bond with
To replace my ex
And found him
In a crossbreed
His feathery, lanky hair
Sifted between fingers
Cascading beautifully
In strength reassuring
Warmth in his kind eyes
Laughed adventurously
I’d forgotten there was
A pair of hazel worthy
I showed him that there
Was more to life’s living
He helped me feel that
I was worth everything
Yet I knew that if I
Loved him as I felt
I might seal that door
To my own partnering
And so we grew distant
Until he chased a sheep
And I had to
Rehome him
We don’t speak often
Of how our hearts ache
And of the other one
Who passed as kitten
Afraid of stinging
Burns of rejection
Vulnerability is brief
In allowed exposures
