“I feel panicked inside…
I am more shy now since the concussion.
Finding out how extremely shy that I was pre-concussion has me distraught because I want to meet him, but I’m afraid that I will run in the other direction – again!
I can’t tell if this reactivity is due to heightened self protection due to injury – or because I know that he can actually ‘see me,’ more truly than anyone ever has before.
I have never let anyone that close to me, even when I wanted to.”
“I couldn’t stay there.
I just couldn’t do it, today.
The worst part is that this concussion has knocked me back hard.
I keep getting up, determined to keep rallying.
But my face and body are swollen as I sway blearily like a hard-core prize fighter getting dizzy.
There’s no clear sight…
Just instinct’s adjusting memory of where I need to be aiming.”
I don’t need the Ideal
Just what can be real
“He and I might be a match in how we love, and how we want to be loved.”
He must have no idea how his promise affected me.
I am in constant war with myself to keep balanced.
How could he offer – awakening – and then just leave?
I fight to suppress my feelings daily to keep breathing.
“I don’t know how to recover from this accident, except to go slower while experiencing more neural twitching – and to keep doing what I have been doing.
But the resources are even thinner now, and all I can do is keep trying to show up, even with further diminished capacity.
Yeah…
My kids and I have had to have the talk.
‘If I end up in a home because my system crashes, don’t give up on me – please make sure that I am getting the right therapies for recovery.
And if I am ever in a coma, don’t give up on me.
I am in here, trying to reroute the wiring.'”
“I am very hurt.
They say that things can always get worse – and surely I have evidence enough of this.
But why can it not…why does it refuse to get better?”
“How does more injury help me regain any ground when I am set back further?”
“I have found the one that I’ve been looking for.
He’s not ‘perfect.’
He is essential.”
“The concussion and thoracic pain hurts so bad that my eyes are literally twitching.
Now I need a new fecking category.”
I need you
I want you
But I can’t absorb your
Leaving again & again
My only recourse is
To no longer allow
Myself to
Be open
In order to save my soul
From becoming corrupted
By madness of
Yearning for you
Without hope
Of recompense
You never yield
You never relent
You never come forward
And reveal your true self
And quite frankly, I just
Can’t take this anymore
“Do you still…?”
“Why are you never real?”
—
(Sleep Token lyrics)
I keep searching for reasons
To keep my head up high
When feeling too low
“I am sad that you are not here with me.
Sometimes, it feels like we will never be.”
(Repost from July 16, 2023)
“I am weary of withholding.”
“I’m phasing again.
It’s a self protective habit when I don’t feel secure.
Like camouflaging.”
“When I first began writing to you way back when, I soon began having similar dreams of my shirt just bamphing out of existence – much to my quickly scrambling-to-avoid social embrassment.
I guess that means that my love for this man is equivalent – if not more so – to the original love that I had for you?
And also, it seems that the inadvertent baring of breasts signifies my vulnerable heart is again being displayed uncomfortably wide open.”
“I wish you were here to help guide me, to help me find decisions that align with you.”
“Sometimes the greatest love is nobody else’s business.”
“I am afraid to love him like I do.
People would judge and label and criticize.
I don’t know what’s come over me, but he moves me to my core.
His wild magic matches mine – and makes me feel so much more capable than ever before.”
“Though I just fought back a major complex of muscle spasms suddenly trying to painfully twist my shoulder out of its socket and facial spasm/numbness is scatter-ticking, there will not be surgery.
There will not be surgery!
There WILL NOT be SURGERY!!
My body is MINE again – and there’s still time to RECLAIM it!”
“It turns out that surgery will not be the answer – and that though the pain and symptoms are severe, there is still hope for regaining my structural capacity.
Thank goodness – and back to feretting out the neurology.”
“Tomorrow, I meet with the surgeon’s office.”
Crowned and Christened
Triumphant legions cheer
But this is not what he’s sought
And she waits for him to appear
“There are some things happening that might be putting me in an even more difficult position…I can’t explain it here, but it’s ramping up my stress exponentially.”
“What’s it going to take for me to be alright, again?
I hardly dare hope that I could become better than ever.”
“I am not sure just how I managed to do so, but I made it to the ball on time, dressed as the queen I am inside.”
“I can’t seem to preserve any peace for myself, no matter how I work to regain it.”
“Even if it hurts me, show me the way.”
—
(Sleep Token reference)
“I look forward to meeting you.”
“I worry….
After next week, I find out about surgery.
Life must not be only about pain and struggle for survival.”
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