Category: Alex (An Ideal)

It seems that much of society still behaves as if we are all still in elementary school.

Do you observe this, too?

The pain has returned, again.

It is so bad that I do not know how I keep from yelling.

In a dream.

Some conversation of premise, allowing assessment of scent while drawing close.

A brief embrace, fingers touching chin, inhaling as answer undefined question.

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry…” he began by way of explaining.

“You should be,” she instantly retorted – then caught herself, flustered.

He smiled with gentle understanding. “I did not know that shared thought was under copyright.

“Well it is on my planet!” She spat, heart wounded.

The queen still did not realize that she was a queen due to the spells that had been conjured tightly around her.

Is a dead-ending phrase.

I said it then and say again, “What gain to be drawn like the multitude launching hearts to become as cindered corpses?”

I have never been fully understood, nor accepted for my truth’s worth by a man.

These reactions – this sense of urgency which binds me to you must be my own responsibility.

Yet, everytime I try to pull away, I am called back to you, even though your actions hurt me.

What trick is this that led me to you – as if you were to be my answer?

She refused to look at him, though her heart pounded when the couple drew near.

For if she did not acknowledge him, she could not be asked to leave.

The reason I was sent in your direction must have been to ensure by further pain felt that I would be disuaded from ever trying again.

I had no title of elevation to offer you – except the tenants of love’s endurance.

I have tried my best to succeed despite everything that keeps happening.

Maybe someday in Valhalla, you will hail and greet me.

I would have much preferred to be shining in a position of the sun like you – rather than a nuclear blasting beacon for righteousness.

It has hurt because I have loved you, although my advice propelled you.

I just can’t be in these roles, anymore.

I turn to you as a friend because I think you would understand me – for we have both remained hidden while walking in the light.

Have you heard the news?

Of course you have, for you are the one who created it.

I can’t play the role you need, but I love you unequivocably.

If you knew…if you knew the hell I am going through…well then we would likely take a moment to honor it – and then probably laugh and say “Even so, it could be worse!”

It seems clear now that I was sent to you to be a catalyst.

Part of the prompting system – if not the carrot, then the prod for you to make a certain decision.

I hate being used in such capacity.

No matter how I wrestle with it, it always cuts deeply because I lost.

Fresh wounding, always repeating.

There seems to be no balm to soothe.

I hate that.

I could not risk further diminishing myself in order to be with you. It seems to have been the cost for my being in a relationship.

I don’t think I will ever have your type of confidence.

Maybe it’s because I’m experiencing certain circumstances.

Maybe, in the end, it doesn’t matter what I was meant to be.

Maybe what we have in common is a type of determination.

We met in public, again.

At a concert, inside a bar.

Groups divided to compete.

You didn’t know anyone there.

I came over and welcomed you.

This decided the group you’d join.

I got to feel your natural leadership.

The players automatically responded.

Although I kept to my own variabilities.

You supported me in this as my teammate.

I dreamed last night that I crossed paths with you and a friend of yours and I was able to buy you a lunchtime acquisition.

It made me feel good, gallant, and able to show you societally-accepted appreciation.

Upon reflection, I realize that you were again there for me, when my world is seeming to cave inward all around me.

Thank you for being a friend, in whatever forms we may at least pretend.

Sometimes I could wish I were several years younger. But that is when everything fell apart for me as an adult; I had not yet begun to develop my writing and creative expressioning; and you would have had no indication of why you should get to know me.

I hold you in my heart to keep company so that no unworthy person may trespass.

I’ve needed a man that I could identify with.

Somehow, it’s always been you.

Thank you.

If you knew me, perhaps admiration would emerge – and a recognition of how in some essential ways, we are indeed kindred.

I will cast my vote of confidence in your favor, for what you attempt is near impossible, and you need all the courage that you can muster.

I, as well, did once reach gallantly for the Golden Scepter – and was dashed upon the ground to find the world turning its back on me.

But we must ever encourage our spirits to fly, and invest in our greatest dreams so that someday they may as yet come true.

Just make sure that the lady truly admires, loves, and is devoted to you, for when everything gets ugly – and be assured that at some point it will – you must have each other’s backs for your hearts not to rue.

If I had asked you to and had let you “rescue me” when I was at my lowest point years ago, I might have become too dependent upon you and missed the chance to reclaim my own sense of personal re-empowerment.

I feel like I botched our introduction, and there’s just no going back to fix it.

I deeply regret this…

And certainly, this path I am currently on has been difficult and painful as my being keeps getting jostled.

But maybe someday we will meet again, and I won’t be so afraid to lose myself in knowing you and accepting your love.

Because then, I will be better able to trust myself to always remember who I am.

Was I a fool to follow the dreams that led to you?

I look at our external reality and ask myself, what was I thinking?

Is belief worth championing when it seems to hit so far away from one’s desired outcome?

Or are we both working on deeper levels, watching others’ progress, and triangulating?

To what ends, my friend?

Those countless years of you giving your all, while alone and privately grieving.

No.

I cannot begrudge any happiness you may have now gained for yourself.

I know that you have done the best you could with the decisions you have made in sharing beneficience with your status.

But why do I still feel “less than” when I have done the same in the common grounds with my own sweat, innovation, and endurance?

You have been thrust into a leadership position that is not like mine, yet we are the same. Behind the scenes or presenting, we are playing a deeper game.

I thought we were the same, you and I,
But now I realize, I don’t know anything.

This uncertainty we play the odds against
In acquiring some match – yet still denied

Freedom of Choice, it becomes not truly such
When we are compromising truth’s methods

When we work the limitations into our favor
Yet find despite gains, the mark still missing

It was written in script I would reconsider
Because I was forced to forfeit conclusion

It’s my nature to fight for light over the dark –
This part of duty: carrying torch of a Paladin

And you have surrounded your soul’s heart
So that no other wisdom may trespass entry

We are both warriors and groundbreakers –
Will we be satisfied with less-than capability?

I do not want this distant hiding of true self –
So do I cut ties to embrace isolation of spirit?

You seem already committed – and why not?
Your fairy tale keeps building in momentum

Creating castles in the sky by your theurgy:
Application expands to formulate anything!

Whereas, I’ve required a key to unlock my
Heart’s ability to gain in greater potential…

Mayhap we are both love’s fools, afterall
Yet, you’ll be more satisfied by outcome.

What does it feel like to not be broken?

You did not give me the chance to show my true self to you, so I do so here for the rest of the world to see.

Maybe it is all of the hyped propaganda that lends itself to my being pursuaded to think that you would not value me.

Tell me something worthwhile in such moments of grief and loss.

Don’t fake it – make it meaningful.

Let your words take me someplace extraordinary.