Category: Altered States

“When she passed and her spirit left her material form, it was terrible to see how ravaged her body had become.

We’d been such a team, she and I with Youngling and the critter gang as we all kept troubleshooting how to keep her alive and thriving.

She was always eager, always positive, always craving life – no matter her crooked spine which I kept helping ease back into place, or her jaw which was shifting and swelling.

Signs came this last week that the mass must have erupted internally, and then last night and this morning, her will was having to yield to her heart and lungs flooding.

It was difficult to make the decision to help her let go, but as soon as the doctor began with sedative, she relaxed into conked-out deep sleeping purring.

She had been so tired, it turns out, and so brave and determined to keep enduring – never complaining, though she had had every reason to.

She just kept searching for the sunshine.”

“Going through motions.”

‘Cause

But devastated.

“Our B.R. needs to be helped to pass.”

Bystander, spectator, contributor.

“It’s ok to be in my own skin.”

“Likely this Tuesday, if not sooner, we have to say goodbye to our beloved B.R.”

“Reflective phoenix feathers are here and there on my bedroom and bathroom floors from creative efforts to assemble ensemblage.”

“I have learned to share on-the-fly my mind’s eye to posting by finger tips, more easily forming complex thoughts and concepts.

But in an external relationship, free-flow brain to mouth still hesitates.”

“When we marry young without good advice and guidance, we often contend with struggles in ourselves and with each other  – sometimes to detriment because we don’t know yet how to manage conflict better.”

“Being somone’s inspiration can shift once in relationship.

I’ve always thought this could be positive, but have yet to experience it.

It takes at least two people consciously aware to give dreams wings to fly in reality.”

“Because I can’t stop pursuing what I need to learn about – even if circumstances keep smacking me about.”

One in September.

One in January.

One in March-April pending.

And 4th queuing up.

F**K

Vet emergency with end of days news.

Crying my eyes out in the car before giving therapies.

Storm’s front suddenly blasting down the street while I was crossing, sweeping me up in wind, dust, and leaves.

Attended to clients, but one missed, causing mark’s miss.

But youngest pitched in, and a peer gave me hugs and my Pink Drink (TM) as a late birthday present.

“It’s just my…”

No…it’s not comforting at 2am in the morning when one’s hair dryer suddenly turns on in the other room – especially when the switch is hard to adjust on or off.

Suuurree, it must have been on edge under tension when I turned it off, initially.

Yeah…that’s it!

(Nervous laughter)

“There’s this concept that partnership can help cushion and positively redirect difficulties.

But my memories of relationship show most of the work of showing up placed upon me.

So in reality, how would partnership benefit when the ideal has no manifesting history?”

“Perhaps there is a type of depression that occurs when one is continually thwarted in accessing their synergy as a result of injuries.

But I was already there for every else’s struggles, helping them to overcome them.

Now, who is helping and nurturing me?

Feeling compromised doesn’t seem just reward for all of my past supporting.

Yet, independence helps give illusion that I am ‘still standing.’

Does all of this reinforce self determination?

Is that why isolation digs in more deeply?”

“It’s like I’m not allowed to have or keep anything that I want.”

Prepping for attending the concert had been a joyous occasion to look forward to.

“It’s not that I can’t see things to do, but that a huge wall of fatigue and deep internal disappointment has caught up with me.

While I have maneuvered difficulties toward directions that can ultimately benefit, it just seems that my drive has shorted.”

“It used to be that I had to wait for others in my family to give them a chance to catch up, but I could often see where they were going and what they needed, so even in going slower, I had a sense of purpose.

But for myself now, it just feels like I’m being held down from performance, and I’m not sure what to pinpoint to clear cobwebs from my perception – which is unusual.

I used to always find a path and reason .”

“‘I repeat myself when under stress, I repeat myself when under stress…’- lyrics I repeat again from a King Crimson song.

You see I’ve lost a lot, and the gains I’ve made – though incredible in their own way – just don’t seem to heal the damage.”

“When we are alone, there is only the self to turn to, seeking ways that we could be and imagining conversations/experiences that we wish we could have with others.”

“Some extra loss and regret…”

“It has been an often repeated thematic to be misidentified at any stage of my life.”

“I never understood why she was so eager to claim me.

I just thought that she was a heartless opportunist, hell-bent on sucking out my 40’s vitality…”

Why in the deepest part of her grieving did she suddenly catch the unmistakeable scent of cologne, as if the man wearing it were here, consoling and comforting?”