Category: Altered States

No matter what, she must not attach to the outcome.

Apparently, last night’s medicine combination took the “oomph” out of today’s stride –

Or weakness of legs because her housing safety was teetering on the edge of a cliff, dependent upon others’ whims for which way the wind would be blowing?

She could feel the energy spiking and erupting within her cells, responding and needing to address the fight that she had to avoid at all costs for the greater healing at stake.

If they did not work with her, the ship would burn down with her still on it.

“To be unseen for my truest intentions because of others’ past traumas and fears, further cast upon me by their dispersions.”

“Need to get a real job.”

“I am not interested in negative manipulations – for I already have plenty of real life issues that I am trying to take care of!”

I had a dream where I was at a low-key party, and all of these men took turns wanting me to get to know them.

Of course, I misread their attentions as them wanting to get to know me – except for this one who was quiet and just watching.

In every one of them I searched for my love, though fascinated by what they were doing.

I just haven’t ever had that much male attention directed at me, and inside I felt uncomfortable although externally friendly-engaging while I kept glancing around me to try to regain my bearings.

I kept returning to the man who was quiet – then another guy would come along chatting.

I realized then that it was a matchmaking event, where I was supposed to give each one some time.

Then, a cat with a kitten came up purring against me and began talking to me while I was briefly able to return to the quiet man, and they told me with words about his affection for me because he wouldn’t say much in person.

Special cats.

Special man.

I felt more comfortable with him and the felines, and planned to cycle back again despite the chaos.

Before this, I dreamed of a spirited but mature female horse that followed and trusted me as I kept her safe.

I also dreamed of my mother and I having a conflict where she hard-harsh challenged me – but then she yielded to my blasted back authority because I was right, and we made up as friends and were at peace, finally.

“And we might be able to save our housing.”

She knew that it was soon to be requested that the captain give official notice as proof of their resolution – which had she been like most many figures of authority, could have been refused.

But she knew from both sudes the cost and value of freedom – and she did not crave the standard forms of power.

“I found a way, but it requires more collaboration.

And it looks like they want to break off on their own, anyway.”

When she went with her youngest to take another cat to the vet, she got to meet the wonderful staff member who had been above and beyond there for her when the first brain injury was crashing, the three cats were dying horribly in succession, and a guy had been messing with her.

She tightly hugged this beloved friend again and again in thankful-but-stressed laughter and cried as those desperate memories returned and she felt safe enough to at last release some of that old tension.

Test subject one-o one-o nine-o was at last showing great promise of this…

“I give up…

I have no control over anything.”

“She’s out there preachin’ how I messed it up, but there’s no conversation happening.

To not say that I love someone for their uniqueness is avoiding a huge reason for my attraction!”

“I can’t get it right.”

Withdrawal

Embarrassment
Anxiety

Her passengers were still looking for ways to help salvage the ship and have them all get safely to shore together, but the captain also understood the immense pressures of being a family’s leader.

Could a mother wish for?

“Thank you to the elements involved for helping me to make it to my family in time to help catch their fall, and for helping me to be a launching support for them to seek new horizons.”

Somehow, the new curtains completed her bedroom in such a way, that it felt like a captain’s cabin on a ship would.

“Are you freaking out?

‘Cause I’m not freaking out regarding today’s deadline at all…

Oh, noo-oooo…”

Extending trust
Is difficult

“I used to think that there was a reason for things.

Now I think more that one can find reason in things.”

A way to suspend one’s self over the maw.

“They don’t really have any other choice.

Their yard is taken over by the others’ activities – and my hound is given over too much now to sounding her mile out howl to be allowed to stay outside for long.

I have boots, now, and it was sunny, yesterday.

Maybe…

Maybe we could go for a small walk today.

But it takes a lot to get ready.

And they aren’t easy when I walk them together.

I have to have a harness system and brace within their veering to keep them in check and functional.

It’s much like managing a snow dog team, where I am the master, as well as the sled.

And I need to be careful how they pull on me while I keep my balance and feet planted.

It’s a toll challenge on my whole destabilized system.

And I’m not sure if I should be instead focusing on recovering from working.”

“I need sleeeeep..”

*sigh*

“I will be missing my workout today.”

She had to be careful about what music she listened to these days in order to retain emotional regulation.

“I guess I need to back off from blow drying my hair.”