Category: Altered States

A society that contributes to devaluing morality.

Sometimes, there can be too much.

There comes a time when
Only one thing can appease

A wounded soul that would freeze
Without ire’s heat to keep comfort.

Hey!
“I’m great!”

You – there!
I’m over here!

Pay attention to me!
Buy what I’m selling!

Applying to contests
And scholarships

Just like working
Freelance focused

Are things I cannot afford
When scraping for stability.

If one is and has been,
How does one reset?

How can starvation be
Fed to appeasement?

How is one to believe
Nourishment can last

If history limited to
Temporary repast?

A friend helped me yesterday to move items that had been blocking my progress because I could not manage them on my own without causing reinjury.

I hate having to wait for this slow-as-molasses healing.

Those challenge items kept me stuck in disarray for months while I tried to function around them!

So when my friend took her leave and tried to impress upon me that I “had done enough for the day,” I thanked her, closed the door, and dove into the side projects that our progress had exposed.

Of course, today I am suffering in neck pain and discoordination for the overexertion beyond neural and muscular tolerances.

But, I couldn’t let things spiral apart again by leaving various messes.

I needed to capitalize on the sudden clarity and ride its course of momentum.

Motherhood is often about putting aside one’s own needs for the sake of others.

“I could not do what I know I need to do, get nowhere, and ‘save’ imaginary money.

Or, I could push boundaries, invest efforts, and overcome ‘insurmountable’ difficulties.”

“Having checked out two places, and feeling socially mortified – not from the staff, which were friendly, but from the feel that I just don’t belong there.”

“They say you can’t have some of one without some of the other, but let me tell you where it’s been lacking for me….”

When a person is pushed too far away from their internal balance point, it is best to be cautious with judgement against their reactions.

We all have a spark within us, waiting to be set alight like dry kindling and nurtured into a flame.

Like arguing over crumbs, that others can be jealous of one’s slowly developing talent and seek to disrupt, suppress, or injure it.

As a mother and care provider, one knows they must someday let loved ones go – either to fly away as matter, or as spirit.

Four beings have left our pack, and I keep sinking back into survival mode.

The music, audio, and scripts are left undeveloped.

The guitars, bass, and keyboard gather dust on their stands.

Software is paused before loading, as I sort pebbles in the shifting sand.

As if my spirit is running, when I can’t run.

On and off, repeat.

As the family disbands
I grow colder

Pulling inward
To warm my own heart.

I don’t like how it feels: our Ranger having to take the last stand watch minus once company.

She is fragile and must be supervised when out of her room, and all I can do is make it more cozy.

It is good to stay diversified.

Sometimes, it is better to just stay in bed for a while.

“I’m so tired, until I close my eyes?”

I think that I am done for now in attempting to take college classes.

There’s a type of madness
In having to make the call

After pushing it back
Until could no longer.

Our Queen has passed.

(We love you so much, magic Z.)

“I held our family together…”

“I’ve always had to expand my internal horizons in the absence of congruent external realities.”

Remaining moments to let our royala roam the garden.

Our queen got hurt last night, her belly so swollen and bulging…

And our ranger won’t stop rubbing her bleeding jaw injury!

I’ve been run over.

She didn’t cry until it was safe to let down her hair.

Our tiger went first
He was the oldest
God, I miss him

Now the two girls
Sisters in spirit
Soon traveling

And the wolf is
Loosing sight
Though fiesty

Two fish gone
With only one
Flaring proudly

Our numbers
Diminishing =
Accomplished?

Lives cared for –
But were they
Truly happy?

The “reward” is
Freedom from
Responsibility

Talk about
Heart-wrench
Loss reality!

Taking the queen and ranger to the vet this morning, they both were up to their prior usual antics.

Our queen climbed onto the couch and tried to eat fake grass, and our ranger kept ranging all over up and down – including both trying and succeeding at easing onto my shoulders while I was sitting.

Then, our queen settled onto my lap and our ranger came and went as they both received cuddles, head-boop-groomed each other in gentle affection, and absorbed my carresses while stretching into gentle spine-flex rubs.

For once, we were there as a happy family.

Yes, the three of us are each falling apart in various stages – but we’ve belonged together.

Unified.

And I realized that this moment – for such rare moments as these – is what all of the struggle to keep them some version of healthy and alive has been all about.

Pure caring.

Sparks of joy

Love.