“It used to be that I had to wait for others in my family to give them a chance to catch up, but I could often see where they were going and what they needed, so even in going slower, I had a sense of purpose.
But for myself now, it just feels like I’m being held down from performance, and I’m not sure what to pinpoint to clear cobwebs from my perception – which is unusual.
I used to always find a path and reason .”
“‘I repeat myself when under stress, I repeat myself when under stress…’- lyrics I repeat again from a King Crimson song.
You see I’ve lost a lot, and the gains I’ve made – though incredible in their own way – just don’t seem to heal the damage.”
“When we are alone, there is only the self to turn to, seeking ways that we could be and imagining conversations/experiences that we wish we could have with others.”
“Some extra loss and regret…”
“It has been an often repeated thematic to be misidentified at any stage of my life.”
“Today, I was given the senior discount without being asked if I was a senior.
WTF-?!
I do not look like a senior.
I do not act like a senior.
I was then told upon my questioning that 55 is senior.
Again, WTF -?!
Um.
No.
The younger cashier had to call the manager to change the total, and the also very young manager then asked after arriving, “Ma’am, why don’t you want the discount?”
I explained cheerfully and matter-of-factly, “Because I’m not a senior, and I don’t want to take advantage of you.”
Why else would I not want the discount?!”
“I never understood why she was so eager to claim me.
I just thought that she was a heartless opportunist, hell-bent on sucking out my 40’s vitality…”
Why in the deepest part of her grieving did she suddenly catch the unmistakeable scent of cologne, as if the man wearing it were here, consoling and comforting?”
“My work here is completed…but I was just getting started…”
“They are all just…”
“There is no more frolicking in the sun…only licking wounds that never end, until it’s done.”
“It Really…Really…Really Sucks…
During the prime of their years I spent my energy growing, defending, and protecting our animals from the fall.
And now that we finally found a good place to live and shelter, the family disbands, and each older animal has come to its life’s expiration date.
All I can do is attempt to help each one pass on gracefully as I hold him or her in my arms, attempting to still give nourishment until at the very last moment where they can no longer hold on, and just fade away.”
“Meeting deep grief’s sadness by allowing its heavy tears to suck one under and drag one down to the bottom instead of fighting to stay afloat might actually be restoring the buoy effect that got deflated in an overtaxed optimist.”
“Why do we only protect the children – if at all – and not also each other?”
Time grows thicker as
Impressions leverage
A blend of mad sickness
Still denied reason’s cure
While feverish dreaming
Refuels by inflammation
Inattendance beckoning to
Yield by instant atonement
“A reflection of absence of faith and/or hope.”
“I can tell that a reason that I feel deeply depressed is because I am not making music, but I can’t seem to break the lockdown while I’m prevented from bringing in income.”
Sublime…
“Being invited out by a man to something I think I’d enjoy, yet feeling the need to turn the event down to conserve limited energy, has got me wondering if I am folding inward more extremely to protect myself – and/or have I reached a new level of advanced introversion?”
“I pray to God that that is what is building up imside of me…”
Already!
She couldn’t reach for the things that she wanted, held down by the weight of poverty.
“As if I’m afraid to make a wrong move…”
“I am a very cautious unicorn.”
“It’s important to set achievable, short-term, small goals to create a sense of one’s striving when a life’s purpose seems to have become terribly upended and motivation sputters.”
“A much respected older peer once told me to write the story of my life one day.
But what could I say that would make sense of all of the tragedies?
Pain’s pressure squeezes as it builds over time, until not a drop of blood feels like it can ever again flow freely.
It forces hope’s light to seek shelter, buried deep underground, begging for the end of growth’s dormancy.”
“If I keep slowing down to just process the hits I’ve taken, will my being reboot and I won’t feel forsaken?”
“I do think that when one discovers that they’ve just been being used again, there is going to be a hit taken of further negative psychological impact.”
“I am not sure if it’s good or not that I need to rest and sleep more while only being able to do like one fourth of what I used to do.”
“I have an opportunity to possibly pursue more training, but doing evetything on my own while still recoverimg from injuries is keeping me barely treading water.”
“Hold me together by giving a sense of consistency in a life filled with uncertainty.”
I’ve been writing to myself online on one site or another for about thirteen years or so, and I wonder what it’s gained me besides maintaining a grip on my sanity.
“444, the most vital message is this: Be prepared for success. It’s not just about getting something that you wanted. It’s about being ready for what comes after that success, so it doesn’t destroy you—and so you can make the most out of said success.”
https://www.elle.com/horoscopes/a61669073/444-angel-number-meaning-explained/
But, how does one get ready for succes, if one has not had certain levels of such success, before?
It’s hard to believe that I will get through this and find my self anew on the other side.
Being in the trailer in the low mountains, having to live as if we were homesteaders.
A cunning and powerful internal defense mechanism that waited to take over after the maiden inside gave up on being able to fight for good due to longterm efforts’ exhaustion.
Candid Corvid Productions 